


Winchester 101

by Neneithel



Series: The Winchester Pact [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:09:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 62
Words: 63,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27485539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neneithel/pseuds/Neneithel
Summary: Jack is unsettled, Sam's trying to look after everyone, Mary wants some answers about a bookstore find and Dean really doesn't want her to get them.  Meanwhile, Castiel has a friend who keeps bees.
Series: The Winchester Pact [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007640
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

"You're supposed to be in bed." said Castiel, looking up from his book as Jack came into the library.

Jack turned to leave.

"Not a command." said Cas, "A concern. Come here." He put his book aside to give Jack his full attention.

Jack sat opposite him. "No need for concern. I just don't need much sleep. I stay in my room a lot longer than I have to, because I know it makes people uneasy when I make the differences between us too obvious, but at this time of night, there's usually only you and the Winchesters still awake, so I thought it was okay."

"It's always okay." said Cas, "And don't worry about hiding your nature from anyone here. They all owe their lives to it."

"That doesn't seem to make them feel any better about it." said Jack.

"Has anyone said anything?" said Cas, already beginning to get angry with the hypothetical bigot. He was aware of a certain lack of affection for angels and he accepted the looks he got from some of their guests, but he would never tolerate any unkindness to Jack.

"No." said Jack, "It's just something I feel."

Cas smiled. "Perhaps you just feel out of place here. Perhaps they don't harbour any bad thoughts about you at all."

"I just want to fit in." said Jack.

"I know that feeling." said Cas, "But, much as I love our new friends, remember that you will always fit in with us and our old ones. You're just Jack to us."

"I like them all." said Jack, "I just feel like some of them watch me a little too much. Remember when Dean thought I was a monster? He watched me the same way."

"Before you came along, I thought nephilim were abominations." said Cas, "We all make mistakes in ignorance."

"Now you don't see an abomination? Not even sometimes?" said Jack.

"Never, now. Now, I just see my son."

Jack smiled. "I know you've done more for me than anyone." he said, "Nobody ever had a better father."

"Nobody ever deserved more than you." said Cas.

Sam came in with his laptop. "Sorry," he said, "Didn't mean to interrupt."

"Do you have a good reason for not sleeping tonight?" said Cas.

Sam put the laptop down on a table. "Yeah, two teams of hunters out and active. I'm just waiting to hear both teams are safe and successful."

"Well, as one team is Mary and Dean, I think we can be almost sure." said Cas, "But if you're going to be awake anyway, be awake with us. We like company, don't we, Jack?"

"We do." said Jack, "I'll make some coffee." He got up.

"You don't have to do that." said Sam.

"I like to do it." said Jack, heading to the kitchen.

"I really hope he doesn't think he has to be useful." said Sam.

"It's more that he likes the fact that he can be." said Cas, "Jack is feeling a little out of place right now. He just needs some family time."

"He's okay, though?" said Sam.

"Yes, just a kid, working out what his place in the world might be."

"That's a kid with a lot of complications."

"It isn't easy, being a Winchester." said Cas.

"I meant the nephilim stuff."

"That's only a problem to other people." said Cas, "He worries that they don't trust him because of it."

"The others or us?" said Sam.

"The others."

"You want me to talk to them?"

"No, it might not be a real problem. Let's not put it into their heads if it isn't already there."

Sam's phone rang. He answered it, "Dean, I'm putting you on speaker. Cas is here. How's the hunt going?"

"Lone vamp, which is weird in itself. But it's also a dumb lone vamp, who has left too clear a trail. Didn't Jules mention something similar?"

"Yes, she did." said Sam, "It's becoming a pattern. Vampires are changing their behaviour, becoming less connected, leaving newly made vampires to figure things out for themselves."

"Makes sense," said Dean, "When it was their interconnected nests that allowed the Men of Letters to almost wipe them out. They're trying to eliminate that weakness and build their numbers as fast as they can."

"Is the vampire dead?"

"He will be, by dawn." said Dean, "We'll call when it's done. We're heading to the beheading now. Just wanted to keep you in the loop."

"Thanks." said Sam.

"Hey, Cas," said Dean, "We need to give Jack some angel blade training. Maybe when I get back, we could start on that."

"I think he'd like that." said Cas.

"He should have an angel blade. I'm guessing there's no nephilim blade."

"No, Heaven's approach to nephilim was to kill them as quickly as possible, not to arm them." said Cas.

"Well, we have a spare blade and I think he'll figure it out fast." said Dean.

Jack came in with the coffee. "What did he say about a blade?" he said.

"Dean thinks it's time you had an angel blade." said Sam.

Jack's eyes widened. "That's great!" he said.

"Lots of work involved. Lots of training." said Dean.

"Yes." said Jack, "I can do that."

"I know you can, kid. That's why I think it's time." said Dean.

Distantly, they heard Mary say, "Dean, phone down, mind on the job. Or I'm driving."

"Gotta go!" he said.

Jack was grinning. So was Sam. 

"Never thought I'd see Dean take orders from anyone after Dad died." said Sam.

"He doesn't seem to mind taking orders from Mary." said Jack.

"He waited a long time for that." said Sam.

"He really doesn't like letting her drive, though." said Jack.

"He never likes letting anyone else drive his Baby." said Sam, "Not even Mom."

"Having seen how she drives," said Cas, "I think he may be wise not to let her."

"She drives like he does." said Sam.

"Exactly."


	2. Chapter 2

Dean nodded to his mother as they approached the back door of the house. They had established that the vampire was working alone and was careless, but it would be stupid to assume the house he lived in was undefended. There were no lights on and there was no sign of anyone being home, but they went cautiously.

Dean gestured to Mary to try the door, while he covered her from the side. The door was locked, but she deftly picked the lock, making almost no sound. As she opened the door, Dean slipped into the house. She followed, keeping enough distance between him that she could fire on anything that came at him.

The first floor of the house was empty and free of booby traps and alarms. They both froze when they heard a creak upstairs. It could be the floorboards settling in the early hours of a cool night, but it sounded a lot more like someone moving around in an upper room. 

Dean put his gun away and grabbed the machete on his belt. He was glad that his mother needed no spoken instructions. She was ready to respond to any threat as they went carefully up the stairs.

Both winced as the third step groaned under Dean's weight. They stopped, listening for any reaction and they heard footsteps coming nearer. Dean got off the stairs and hid in the shadows. Mary backed away too.

The vampire, a rough-looking thirty year old, covered in dry blood and looking like a shower was an alien concept, lurched to the top of the stairs and looked down. "I can hear your heartbeats!" he said, "No good hiding from me!"

Mary shrugged and stepped forward. "Come down here, then." she said.

"Where's the other one?" he said.

She shot him in the chest.

"Ow!" he said, "Hey, stupid, that's not gonna kill me."

"No, but it's not fun, is it?" she said.

"Ripping your head off will be, bitch!" he said.

She fired again, hitting him in the shoulder. He staggered back.

"Don't call me bitch, bitch." she said.

He picked up a clock from a small table and hurled it at her. 

She stepped aside easily. "You need to up your game, sweetheart. You're dealing with a Winchester." she said.

"And what is a Winchester?" he said, looking for something else to throw.

"Seems you're too scared to come down and find out." she said.

"Scared? Of you?" He ducked into a room and then came out holding a gun. He fired it three times in her general direction and missed each time.

"Mom!" whispered Dean.

"Is that the other one?" said the vampire, "Is he a Winchester too?"

"Yes, he is." said Mary. She fired another shot, hitting the vampire in the knee. 

He fell to the floor and lay at the top of the stairs, rolling around in pain. He struggled to get up, but Dean was already at the top of the stairs and his defeated groan was cut short by the flashing descent of the machete.

As the vamp's head rolled down the stairs, Dean looked reproachfully at his mother. "You didn't need to put yourself at risk like that."

"He couldn't even aim and firing down into darkness like that ... "

"Their eyes are better than ours, their senses in general sharper. Trust me, I know."

"Vampire or not, a lousy shot is a lousy shot." she said.

"Hunter or not, my mother is my mother and you are not expendable." he said.

She smiled sympathetically. "It's sweet that you care, but I know what I'm doing."

"Just do it with some thought for your own safety." he said, "Because I am not gonna be the one to go home to Sam and explain how I let you get killed."

"Let's check there are no more fangs around and then go get some waffles." she said.

"That sounds like a plan." said Dean.

A quick sweep of the upstairs rooms, two bedrooms and a dingy bathroom, didn't take long. They checked into a motel long enough to clean up and change and give the clerk exactly the wrong idea about why they were there and then they found a waffle place in which to indulge the Winchester love of food. 

They sat face to face and smiled at each other. Dean was beginning to love hunting with his mother. That same smile had been in his memories as long as he could remember and to have it back, alive and attached to a real, flesh and blood Mary Winchester was more than he had ever hoped for. 

There had been some recalibration required. The ideal mother of his most comforting memories had been largely a fiction. Mary Winchester was as human as he was, as petulant at times, as uncertain. None of that mattered. Her love for him was real and as strong as he had remembered it. They might argue, might differ in their tactics, on hunts and in daily life, but she had his back and he had hers and he liked her better than the perfect wife and mother he had set up as a plaster saint in the shrine of his broken heart.

She took his plate of waffles and drew a smiling face with the syrup, then pushed it back to him.

"Childish." he said.

"You love it." she said, grinning.

"Yeah, I do." he said, "I'd better tell Sammy everything went okay."

"Does he ever sleep?" she said.

"He worries." said Dean, "Don't you start worrying. Cas and I are looking after him. He takes care of everyone else, we take care of him."

"You let me know if he ... if any of you, needs me."

"Of course." said Dean. He called Sam. The immediate reply proved Sam had been hovering over the phone again.

"Hey, Dean. How did it go?"

"One smelly, disgusting fang consigned to Purgatory." said Dean.

"Sounds lovely." said Sam.

"Yeah, just be glad I had to smell it, not you, Orange Blossom."

"Hey, you steal that shampoo all the time."

"Yeah, but you're the one who buys it." said Dean.

"What, so buying it makes me effeminate, but using it is manly?"

"I don't make the rules, Sammy." said Dean, "Anyway, we're just having breakfast and we'll be home soon. So you can get some sleep."

"Not yet. Bobby and Maggie are out still." said Sam, "But last I heard, theirs was going as well as yours."

"I hope theirs smells better." said Dean.

"Well, at least it didn't put you off your food." said Sam.

"Not much can do that." said Dean, "Mom says don't stay up too late."

"I didn't say that." said Mary.

"No, but you thought it and my job, as family spokesman ... "

"Sorry, did I miss that election?" said Mary.

"Sam wanted the job, but it was unanimously decided ... "

"By ... "

"By me, that he lacked my clarity."

"I see." she said.

"I also don't remember that discussion." said Sam.

"Also, he has memory issues. Pretty unreliable altogether." said Dean, "Bye, Sam. We'll see you in about two hours. Give or take a giant plate of waffles."


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Bobby called to say he and Maggie were heading home, having salted and burned an unusually vengeful former librarian, it was getting light outside and those denizens of the bunker who felt that the tradition of sleeping at night had merit were starting to get up. 

"You should get some sleep, Sam." said Cas.

Sam nodded a vague agreement. He didn't want to hurry to bed and make it seem as if he had no interest in interacting with the others. "I think I'll grab some breakfast first." he said.

"I'll get you some." said Jack, already halfway across the room, "Do you want oatmeal or eggs or ... "

"Oatmeal would be great, thanks, Jack." said Sam.

Cas looked pleased. "He loves to be helpful."

"Yeah." said Sam, "He's a good kid."

A few of the offworlders came in with their breakfasts and sat at the tables. One of them, Mark, sat next to Sam. "Any news from Bobby, Maggie and Mary?" he said.

"Mary and Dean will be almost home by now. Bobby and Maggie just started back." said Sam.

"That's great." said Mark, "Good to know everyone's safe. Do you have anything conclusive on that possible shifter in Killeen?"

"I'm working on it." said Sam, "If you do head down that way, there's a brewery in Austin you might want to check out."

Mark smiled. "Yeah, Dean said something about that. I'll bring back a few bottles."

"I like the alcohol in this world." said Paul from the other side of the library."

"Me too," said Mark, "It's not made from random root vegetables."

Jack came in with two bowls of oatmeal and sat beside Sam to eat his. "Do you want anything, Castiel?" he said.

"No, thanks." said Cas. He looked slightly uncomfortable. He often did around the strangers. Sam knew better than to draw attention to it, but he decided to talk to him later and make sure all was well. He ate his breakfast, nodding and smiling at the conversation around him, letting Jack's enthusiastic chatter do all the work of keeping it going. 

All the time, he kept an eye on Cas, who was reading his book again, but looking a little too intently into the pages. A few times, he saw Jack glance across with a worried look. He met his eyes and shook his head slightly, warning Jack not to say anything. Jack complied. He was mostly alert to subtle hints and very careful to follow Sam's guidance.

"I like beer." said Jack to Mark, "Beer is good." Sam smiled at how hard he tried to find commonality with ordinary humans. He wanted to be one of them, but had no idea how.

Mark, though, was a good man and saw the effort, rather than the awkwardness. "Sometime, you should go out with us." he said, "We'll teach you all about beer."

"That would be great." said Jack.

"Not to excess." said Mark, looking at Sam, "We wouldn't get the boy drunk or anything."

"I don't think I can get drunk." said Jack.

"That sounds like a challenge." said Paul.

"It's not." said Mark, "He's just a kid."

"He's a warrior." said Paul, "He can take it."

"He's my responsibility." said Sam, "And nobody is getting him drunk. Nobody should be getting drunk right now. We have to be ready for anything, including a reopening of the rift and an attack."

"Seems unlikely, right now." said Paul, "No archangels on this side, no prophet or witch on the other."

"Humour me." said Sam.

"Sam's right." said Jack, "As long as Michael is alive, he is a threat, however distant he may be."

A frown flickered across Castiel's face. Sam was unsure whether he was more worried by the threat of Michael or the tone of Jack's voice, which suggested he still saw it as his job to dispose of the archangel. Another thing to discuss later, without the others present.

"With Bobby, Mary, Jack and the Winchesters, I think we can deal with Michael." said Paul. 

"I'm sure we can." said Sam, "But we all need to be ready."

"Fine, I get it, no getting drunk." said Paul.

Jack looked at Sam and said with a worrying determination in his voice, "We will be ready and we will kill Michael, whatever it takes."

Cas was now almost hidden behind his book. Sam spoke loudly enough for him to hear. "When the time comes, we will handle Michael together."

"Of course." said Jack.

Sam looked around the room and decided it was time to try to sleep. "I'm gonna take a nap." he said, "See you later, everyone. If I'm needed, just bang on my door."

He was almost at his door when Cas came up behind him. "Dean and Mary will be back soon." he said, "I might wait for them outside."

"Are you okay?" said Sam.

"Perpetually." said Cas, "Get some sleep."

"I'm looking out for Jack. I promise, I won't let him try to fight Michael alone."

"I know you won't. It just troubles me how much he thinks it's his fight."

"Yeah, me too." said Sam, "Look, if you want to talk, I'm always ready to listen. I know you're not enjoying being here right now. Don't ever think I don't have time for you."

"Sam, sleep. If Dean gets back and you're still up, you know he'll blame me."

"Cas, you are not responsible for me and Dean needs to understand that. I'm old enough to pick my own bedtime."

"Sleep anyway." said Cas, "You look tired."

"You care too much." said Sam.

"It has been said."

"Well, I care too, so the two of us are going to talk, soon."

Cas nodded. "Yes, as soon as we have time and opportunity."

"Or sooner." said Sam.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean and his mother pulled up outside the bunker and saw Castiel waiting for them. Dean was swiftly out of the car. "What's wrong?" he said, a dozen possibilities occurring to him at once.

"Why would anything be wrong?" said Cas, "I just thought I'd be here when you got home." He looked past Dean to where Mary was just getting out. "How was the hunt, Mary?"

"It was good." she said.

Dean was still worried. Cas was too often outside the bunker or volunteering to do food runs or finding something very important to do in rooms where nobody ever went. "Mom, you go in." he said, "Cas can help me put the car away."

The garage was empty, as he had hoped. When the Impala was where she belonged, Dean turned to Cas and said, "Well?"

"Well what?" said Cas.

"Who or what upset you? If it's a what, I'll sort it out. If it's a who, it leaves here today."

"No," said Cas, "It's nothing like that."

"So it's something." said Dean.

"It's fine. It's an angel thing."

"I will read the entire Winchester Pact to you. I have the time. Angel thing or not, tell me."

Cas shrugged. "I just like to keep out of their way when I can."

"Whose way? Cas, if anyone is giving you a hard time, they are out of here."

"They're not." said Cas quickly, "It's just that I know they don't trust me. It's not their fault. Michael and his angel army weren't good to them and they know I'm different, but they still back away sometimes and I just like to stay out of their way, that's all."

"I'll talk to them." said Dean.

"No, please don't. We all just need time to adjust." said Cas.

"Does Sam know about this?" said Dean.

"Sam has enough on his mind." said Cas.

"So that's a no." Dean wanted to walk straight in and start yelling at people to respect the angel or get out, but he knew Cas was right not to want that. He hated that the place that should be home to Cas was making him unhappy and he hated more the fact that he had not noticed. "I'll talk to Bobby." he said.

"Dean ... "

"Please, Cas, I promise I won't make things worse."

"Okay." said Cas, "Thanks."

"At least tell me Sam is in bed."

"He is. He hasn't been there very long, but he is."

Dean nodded. "Good. Jack?"

"Having breakfast and planning to defeat Michael. Sam told him we'll do it together when the time comes." said Cas, looking very tired.

"Don't worry. The kid is not going up against Michael alone." said Dean.

"He's excited about using an angel blade." said Cas.

"Good. We can do that as soon as I've had a few hours' sleep. But if you want me to stick around ... "

"No." said Cas, "I'm fine."

"Okay, well, I'll find you and Jack later. If anyone gives you any trouble, I need to know. There is nobody in this bunker with more right to be here than you."

Cas nodded and left the garage.

Dean found Bobby in the kitchen, reading a newspaper.

"Mary says you had another clueless vampire." said Bobby.

"Yes, we did." said Dean, "They're getting boring. Listen, I have a problem with your people and it's not their fault, I know, but they're showing some prejudice against Cas and I can't let that happen. We need Cas."

Bobby nodded. "I know what you mean and it's not his fault, but he's not helping by always hanging back in the corner, watching, but not involved. There's a feeling that he doesn't want to be one of us and that feeds into the genuine prejudice against angels that we all have because of having fought the sadistic flying monkeys. I'm not saying he's a sadistic flying monkey, he's not. I like him, I really do, but ... "

"Yeah, I get it." said Dean, "I'm not sure how we fix it, but I get it."

"Well, it's lucky you have me." said Bobby, "I know these people and I think all they need is to see him getting involved. What we should do is team him up with someone easygoing and rational and get him to stop being such a wallflower."

"You have someone in mind?"

"I'll get him working with Jules. She's calm, approachable and I think she kinda likes him."

"Sounds good." said Dean, "Thanks, Bobby."

Bobby smiled. "You and your brother have done a lot for us. Happy to do anything I can to help. My people have a lot of rough edges, I know, but they're good people. They really don't mean to be unfriendly."

"No, neither does Cas. It's just hard for him to fit in, with humanity in general, not just your people, but when you get to know him, he's the best friend anyone could have."

"You leave it with me. I'll get your boy accepted by everyone. The last thing I want is for my people to piss off yours."

"It's not like that. It's just a little understandable friction." said Dean, "But the problem is that Cas is very sensitive. He hears things people don't say."

"I think we all do, sometimes. Like I always worry that I'm not the right Bobby for you and Sam."

"Our Bobby was someone we were very close to." said Dean, "When he died, it was like losing our father again. We loved him all our lives. Doesn't mean we don't love you. Our Bobby would think you were pretty great."

"I have a feeling that's a big compliment." said Bobby.

"To us, there are few bigger." said Dean.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean had slept for about three hours. When he woke, he went to find Cas and Jack. He was happy to find Cas talking to Jules and regretted having to take him away, but Jack took promises very seriously and Dean had no intention of breaking one. They went together to the practice area in the armoury and Cas handed Jack one of the spare angel blades. "You should keep this with you." he said, "Once you know how to use it."

Dean showed Jack his own blade. "The angel blade is a well-balanced, versatile weapon which can kill demons, angels, almost any sort of human-type monster and hellhounds. You can stab, slice and punch with it. You can throw it. Don't use it to cut pizza, because apparently that's 'disrespectful', but apart from that, do what you like."

"It is disrespectful." said Cas, but he smiled.

"Cas and I will give you a little demonstration." said Dean, "Then you can try with Cas."

Cas's blade slid into his hand and he began to attack Dean, who dodged and parried and then launched a few assaults himself, all of which Cas batted away effortlessly. "Cas has, of course, been doing this a lot longer than I have." said Dean. He smiled at Cas. "So, what were you and Jules talking about?"

"She's very interested in Enochian magic." said Cas.

"Oh. I thought she was checking you out when I got there." said Dean.

"I don't think so." said Cas.

Dean jerked forward, aiming the blade at Cas's throat. Cas lifted his own to knock it back. "She's nice." said Dean.

"Yes." said Cas, stabbing where Dean's shoulder had just been.

"If you ever need advice, you know where to come." said Dean.

"I seem to be managing well." said Cas, almost getting Dean again.

Dean's blade flashed up again and then was pushed firmly down. "I didn't mean about fighting." said Dean.

Cas pushed his blade against Dean's neck and said, "Good."

"Well done." said Dean. He turned to Jack. "Your turn, but remember, this is just practice. No cutting, stabbing or killing. Also, using your powers is cheating."

Jack nodded. He started well, a nice, offensive approach with a lot of enthusiasm, but Dean quickly noticed that he was not trying to block any attacks.

"You're not defending yourself." he said.

"Angel blades don't kill me." said Jack, "And it's Cas. He won't stab me."

"But in your first real fight, your opponent will be trying to stab you and an angel blade won't kill you, but being stabbed with one is never helpful. Cas, come at me."

Cas did and Dean blocked three attacks. "Like that, Jack. Always defend yourself. For one thing, invulnerability can be lost and if it is, you don't want to find out as you die from an angel blade to the chest. Then there's the fact that you might not want everyone to know you're a nephilim. If you act like you can't be killed, people will wonder why."

Tired of trying to explain, he aimed his blade at Jack's heart and Jack instantly blocked it with his own weapon.

"Good!" said Dean, "That's much better."

Jack grinned and stabbed for his throat. Dean stepped back. Cas attacked Jack next and he managed to dodge away and then attack Dean again. He was inexpert, but light on his feet and very hard to fool with feints and misdirections. On the other hand, his eyes too often telegraphed his own moves.

"Don't look where your blade is about to be." said Dean, "That gives me clear warning."

Jack paid attention and soon he was not giving away anything.

When Cas needed to make three quick, defensive moves to block Jack's attack, he said, "He may be getting too good at this."

"I can take him." said Dean.

Cas stepped aside. "Go ahead."

Dean attacked, blocked, attacked again and saw Jack leap clear. They turned to face each other again and the same thing happened. Then Jack ducked, unexpectedly and Dean almost fell over him. Jack's blade flew up and Dean just managed to get his at the right angle to knock Jack's out of his hand. Then he pressed his blade to Jack's throat. "You're good, kid, but I win this time."

"I need to do better." said Jack, picking up his blade.

"There's no shame in losing to Dean." said Cas, "I've known angels who fight less skillfully."

"If you ask him nicely," said Dean, "Cas will show you how to twirl the blade in a really cool way."

"Dean prefers style to substance." said Cas.

"Yeah, if he doesn't, ask him why he does the blade twirl." said Dean.

Jack brandished the blade, making lightsabre noises as he did.

"Sam's influence." said Dean in disgust.

"Has to be." said Cas.

"Put this young student of the Force in his place, Obi Wan."

Cas made swift assaults on Jack, who rebuffed or avoided them all, but could not get close enough to endanger Cas. Jack continued with the sound effects and Dean watched them both with an indulgent smile. It was rare for Cas to look like he was having fun, but he looked that way now and Jack was just honestly happy. 

"I still think you'd move faster without the coat." said Dean.

"He moves fast enough!" said Jack, "I can't get near him!"

"You're young, Jack, use all that youthful energy." said Dean.

"He's energetic enough." said Cas, but suddenly, he saw an opportunity and the blade touched Jack's chest. 

Jack lowered his weapon. "That wasn't good." he said.

"Jack, that was great." said Dean, "You're fighting one of God's elite warriors. You did fine."


	6. Chapter 6

Sam woke and took a shower. He was looking and feeling a lot more awake by the time he was dressed and heading for the library. When he got there, everyone but his family seemed to be around.

"Where's Jack?" he said to Bobby.

"Dean and Cas are training him." said Bobby.

"Oh, right, angel blade. And Mom?"

"She went out. She saw a bookstore she wanted to poke around in, apparently."

"Oh, well that should be safe enough." said Sam, "And everything here's okay?"

"All fine here." said Bobby. "By the way, your brother was worried about Castiel not fitting in around here, so I got him working with Jules. She's into research and lore. I think he can help her and she can help him to be more involved with everyone."

"Sounds like a great idea." said Sam.

"I want you to know, nobody here is trying to make him feel left out. It's just, we don't know how to talk to angels. Back where we come from, they smite you if you say more than, 'Yes, sir.'"

"It's difficult for everyone, I know." said Sam. He opened his laptop and started working on the shifter case again. There had been several killings, robbery the motive, carried out by the least likely people and it all just seemed too wild a coincidence. After a short examination of all the collected evidence, he decided there was no non-weird explanation.

"Mark," he said, "If you want to go after that shifter, I'm sure now that's what we're dealing with. Get a team together and head for Texas. Take whatever you need from the armoury."

"Okay! See you in a few days." said Mark.

"Call in every twenty-four hours." said Sam, "Just so we know all is well."

"We will." said Mark.

"I'll go with you." said Bobby.

"Me too!" said Paul.

They went to get ready. 

"Told you. Already up and awake." said Dean, coming into the library, followed by Cas and Jack. "Sam, Jack is a natural with an angel blade."

"That's good." said Sam.

"Jules, you can have Cas back now." said Dean, propelling him gently towards her. "They're working on some Enochian stuff." he said to Sam.

"Bobby told me." said Sam, "Oh, and he, Mark and Paul have gone to Killeen to look for the shifter."

"I would have gone, if you wanted." said Dean.

"The whole point is to let them take on more of the hunting." said Sam, "They're ready. They can handle it."

"Of course."

Jack was looking across at Cas and Jules. "Do you think ... "

"Not a chance." said Dean, "Cas is protected by his complete inability to tell when someone is into him."

"You think she is, then?" said Jack.

"I think there's potential there." said Dean.

"Dean, let's avoid any complications right now." said Sam.

"Fine. I just think he needs something in his life more exciting than midnight chess with you."

"I just want him not to want to leave." said Sam. He looked across at Cas and was relieved to see that he was busy looking for a book and not apparently listening.

"Has he talked about leaving?" said Dean.

"Not yet and let's keep it that way."

"Where would he go?" said Jack.

Sam's phone vibrated. He took it out of his pocket. "It's a text from Mom." he said.

"What does she say?" said Dean.

"She says, 'Back soon. Great bookstore. Found interesting books.'"

"Wow. She really knows how to live." said Dean. "Don't tell her I said that." he said as Sam started to reply.

"All I'm saying is, 'Great. See you soon.'" said Sam.

He almost dropped the phone as he read the next text. "Oh Hell."

"What?" said Dean, "What's happened?"

Sam showed him the text. "Do you boys know a Carver Edlund?"

"Oh crap!" said Dean.

Sam was already calling her.

"Sam!" she said.

"Mom, take the book outside, burn it, watch it until it's ash and then walk away, fast."

"That seems like a yes." she said.

"I mean it, Mom. That book needs to die. Just destroy it and come home and forget you ever saw it."

"He's not kidding, Mom!" said Dean, "There's nothing good in that book."

"It's very interesting so far." she said.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!" said Dean.

"Two brothers, Sam and Dean, going around in a 67 Impala, hunting supernatural beings. Their father is John, their mother is Mary. Did you boys tell this Carver guy your whole life story?"

"Which book is it?" said Sam.

"There are more?" she said.

"Mom, seriously, there is nothing in any of them you need or want to know. Which one do you have?"

"It's called Scarecrow." she said.

"Scarecrow." he said to Dean.

"Could be worse." said Dean.

"Get rid of the book, Mom." said Sam.

"I mean, is it based on your lives or ... "

"It is our lives." said Sam, "And I am begging you never to look at anything by Carver Edlund again."

"Do you remember what happened in that one?" whispered Dean.

"Don't worry. No sex scenes as far as I remember." said Sam quietly, holding the phone away, "Meg's in it, though."

"At least Ruby isn't." said Dean.

They heard a distant voice and Dean picked up the phone. "Mom, please, just dump the book and come home." He listened to the response and said, "We're not keeping anything from you, we'd just rather you heard it from us. Plus, the writing is terrible. Carver Edlund is the worst kind of hack writer. Okay, we'll talk when you get home." He ended the call.

"Is she ditching the book?" said Sam.

"Would you?" said Dean.

"If she goes looking for the others, she'll find them. She'll know everything." said Sam.

"Yeah, we're screwed." said Dean.

"Who's Carver Edlund?" said Jack.

Dean looked at him. "You know that list of things I told you never to type into a search box?"

"Yes. It was a very long list."

"I want you to write Carver Edlund, right at the top." said Dean, "Then underline it until your pen runs out or the paper is destroyed."


	7. Chapter 7

Sam was close to panic as they waited for their mother's return, but he knew that panic would be unhelpful, so he struggled to control himself. With the part of his mind that was still rational, he decided they should wait outside, so nobody else could see how distracted and agitated they were and so that the inevitable argument with their mother would have no witnesses.

Outside the bunker, Dean was staring angrily into the distance. Sam could see by the stubborn set of his shoulders that he was planning to force Mary to give up any interest in those damn books by sheer force of will. 

Sam didn't think that would work. Since her return, Sam had begun to understand where Dean's stubbornness came from and he was sure that a stand-off would only lead to endless conflict.

They had always agreed that their mother should know no more about their past than she could handle and above all, nothing of Dean's time in Hell or the details of their many deaths. Dean had told her of Sam's suffering, soullessness and loss to break the programming that the British Men of Letters had inflicted, but he had not spoken of his own and had made Sam swear never to do so. 

The timing was terrible. Dean had just begun to confront his feelings about Hell, even to come to terms with them a little. Cas, gently and patiently, had helped him to talk about the things that haunted him and made him see himself as a monster and Cas and Sam reacting to the revelation of those things with understanding, instead of shock or disgust, had given him hope that maybe he wasn't one. Now, he was looking at it as something he could not tell his mother, something that was too terrible to be said. The potential for the self-loathing to return was far too great.

Sam almost wished she had never come back, then he hated himself for even half thinking that. He loved her and having a chance to talk to her and know how much she loved him had been wonderful, but now she was going to ask all the questions they had hoped she never would and they had no good answers to offer.

They had known the books were out there, but had hoped she would never find that out. After all, they were not in every bookstore and they did not have "Winchester" emblazoned across the cover.

The door opened and Cas came out. "What's wrong?" he said.

"Mom found a Carver Edlund book." said Sam, "She wants answers."

"That's unfortunate." said Cas, "Does she know there are others?"

"Yes, we let that slip." said Sam, "I let that slip."

"We had to know which one she had." said Dean, "Can you erase her memory of finding the book and everything she read in it?"

"No." said Cas.

"No you can't? Because, I know you can." said Dean.

"No, I won't." said Cas, "Have you considered being honest with her?"

"Not for a moment." said Dean, "You do understand that those books would tell her everything, in detail, with lurid scenes of sex and violence? Badly written sex and violence." he added.

"Your mother is a hunter, not a delicate, helpless creature. I think she can take it."

"She can't." said Dean, "She blames herself for making that demon deal. How do you think she'll take all the rest?"

"Maybe he has a point." said Sam, "If we can't stop her knowing any of it, maybe we should just tell her all of it, honestly and with full explanations."

"Sam, if you tell her anything, I will snap your neck." said Dean.

"It was just a thought." said Sam.

"It was a stupid thought." said Dean, "We tell her as little as we possibly can and we make her promise never to read any more of the books."

"So we say, 'Hey, Mom, these books will tell you everything that we've left out, but please don't look at them.' That'll definitely work."

"I don't think arguing with each other is likely to help." said Cas, "I know this is a difficult time, but that's when we need to work together."

"Cas is right." said Sam.

"Yeah, I know he is." said Dean, "So are we agreed that we work on stopping her from reading more of the books?"

"We'll try." said Sam, "But this is Mom. What do we tell her about Chuck? Do we tell her the whole truth?"

"And tell her the books have the authority of gospel? I think not." said Dean, "We stick to the line that Carver Edlund is a hack writer, a hack writer who had a way of tapping into our lives."

"And if she refuses to stop reading the books?" said Sam.

"She can't. We have to convince her, because otherwise, she is going to know all the things we've been trying to protect her from. She's also going to know every stupid thing we ever did, every fight we ever had, every person we failed to save, everyone we killed."

"I get it." said Sam, "I just hope we can convince her."

Dean turned to Cas and said, "You're with us, right?"

"Always, but I am not wiping her memory." said Cas.

"No, I know. I was stupid to suggest it. I just have a hard time being rational about her. I got her back. We had a relationship again. We were close."

"Hey, you are close." said Sam, "And this is not going to change that."

"Which book does she have?" said Cas.

"Scarecrow." said Sam.

"Oh, with the apple pie? I liked that one."

"Not helping, Cas!" said Dean.

"When she gets home, she'll wanna discuss this." said Sam.

"At length." said Cas.

"We tell her the books aren't accurate." said Dean.

"They are." said Sam.

"She doesn't know that."

"She does, from our reaction to her reading one."

"Then we tell her they are not fair, that reading them hurts us, that she should ask us what she wants to know." said Dean.

"Great. And when she asks us, what do we tell her? Do we lie?"

"Damage limitations." said Dean, "We tell her anything she can find out another way."

"She can find out anything at all by reading the books." said Cas.

"Again, Cas, not helping." said Dean.


	8. Chapter 8

On Mary's arrival, Cas went to open the car door for her. Quickly, he said, "Please be careful. This is an extremely emotive subject."

"Yeah, I got that." said Mary. Cas walked with her to the entrance, where Sam and Dean were waiting. He saw Dean take a deep breath and he hoped he was not about to say something he would regret. "I think we need to talk." said Mary.

"I think I need that book." said Dean.

"Let's go someplace private and discuss this." said Mary.

"This is private." said Dean, "Give me the damn book."

"Dean," said Sam, "She's already read the book."

"Yes, I have." said Mary, "Now, first, who is Carver Edlund and how did he know all this stuff?"

Sam answered, "Carver Edlund is a writer. He had some kind of psychic thing and he was able to see our lives."

"How is that possible?" she said.

"How is anything we fight possible?" said Sam.

"You fought him?"

"No, we met him, we told him to stop writing. We think he has now, but maybe he hasn't."

"Sam!" said Dean.

"Whether he has or not, the books are lurid and overblown and badly written and ... "

"And true in every detail?" said Mary.

"And we really, really need you to promise not to read any more of them." said Sam.

"I already know you went to Hell, you were possessed by Lucifer and lost your soul. How much more can there be?"

"If you love us," said Dean, "You'll never ask that again or read any of those damn books."

"Don't you ever say that to me, Dean!" said Mary. 

Cas could already see the whole situation spiralling into a giant, multi-Winchester fight with things being said that could sting for years. "Please," he said, "Don't do this."

"Mom," said Sam, "There are reasons why we haven't told you what we haven't told you. We're trying to protect you from the things you don't need to know."

"One son has nightmares and can't bear to hear Lucifer mentioned and I know he went to Hell. The other avoids me half the time, won't look me in the eye and seems just about to be holding it together. Oh yes and both worry an angel, who presumably knows the stuff I don't. So forgive me if I'm a little curious about what happened to you two."

"I've asked you for almost nothing since you got back." said Dean, "Now I'm begging you to forget you ever saw that book."

"Those books." said Mary, "There were two."

"What was the other one?" said Sam.

"All Hell Breaks Loose." she said.

"Have you read it?" said Sam.

"No." said Mary.

"Don't. Don't read it, don't check out the blurb, don't look at the cover at all." said Sam.

"Will you tell me yourselves what happened?"

"Not in that book." said Dean.

"Then I think I should read it."

"I forbid it." said Dean.

"I'm sorry, you what?"

"Dean, that won't work." said Cas.

"It'll work. I'll take the book off you by force, if I have to." said Dean.

"You can try." said Mary.

"Stop, please!" said Sam, "Mom, we'll tell you."

"The hell we will." said Dean.

"We have to, Dean." said Sam, "She'll find out anyway. It's better if it comes from us."

"No." said Dean.

"Even if we take the book, the books are online."

"You had to tell her that." said Dean.

"She's not stupid. She'd have found them. I don't want her to know this stuff either, you know I don't, but ... "

"You know what happened in that book." said Dean.

"Yeah, I do." said Sam.

"Zap her, Cas and take the book." said Dean.

"I don't think that's a good idea." said Cas. He was beginning to wonder whether zapping Dean might help, giving Sam a chance to tell the story.

"Cas, she can't know this stuff."

"What stuff?" said Mary, "You don't have to protect me. I'm supposed to protect you. I wasn't there to save you from all the things you've suffered, but I'm here now and you don't have to deal with the memories alone, either of you."

"If I tell you, you won't read the book?" said Sam.

"If you tell me, I won't need to." she said.

"I should tell you, I've never read that one myself." said Sam, "Because I don't want to know what was going through Dean's head at the time. I know the decision he made and the consequences of that decision. I don't want or need to see what drove him to it and neither do you."

"What decision?" said Mary.

Dean shoved Sam, "Shut your mouth, right now! Or I'll shut it for you."

"Dean," said Cas, "We can't put the cat back into the bag with the pigeons."

"What?" said Dean.

Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Trust me, okay?"

"No. Not now and never again." said Dean, "I hate you."

"Okay." said Sam, "Okay, you hate me. Cas, if you could stop him killing me, that would be good."

Cas took hold of Dean's arm. His grip was gentle, but unbreakable. "Dean, just let him talk."

"I hate you too." said Dean.

"I hate me right now too." said Cas, "But I'm just trying to stop this from getting out of hand."

"This doesn't look out of hand to you?" Dean appealed to his mother. "Mom, you said you didn't need to know every thought in my head. Please, just tell him you don't need to know."

"I died." said Sam.

"I'll kill you." said Dean.

"I died and Dean sold his soul to get me back."

"I'll kill you twice. I'll bring you back again and I'll kill you some more." said Dean.

Mary went to Dean. "You sold your soul for Sam?"

"Yes." he said, "I had no choice."

"How did you get out of that?" she said.

"He didn't." said Sam, "He went to Hell." Sam's eyes were full of tears. Cas tried to nod encouragingly, but Dean's glare made it difficult.

"I hate you, Sam." said Dean.

Mary stroked his cheek. "Oh, Dean, why didn't you tell me?"

Cas let go of his arm. Mary tried to hug him, but Dean pulled violently away.

"Dean!" she said.

"Leave me alone!" he said.

She looked at Cas. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't know whose pain was greater, Dean's, Sam's or Mary's.

Sam was speaking again, his voice shaking. "Mom, he went to Hell for me and he didn't deserve any of the things he suffered there. Castiel got him out. He was sent by Heaven to get him out. That's how we met Cas. Please don't ask me for more detail, because I really can't talk about it."

"You don't seem to have a problem talking about it." said Dean, "Shutting up is what you seem to have a problem with."

"Dean saved my life." said Sam, "Cas saved Dean and Hell hurt him and left him with all kinds of trauma that just won't go away. That's why he and Cas went off by themselves for a few days. Cas has been trying to help him, well, both of us, to work through some Hell-related things. It even seemed to be working and now Dean will never trust me or Cas again."

Mary stepped towards Dean again and he backed away.

"Dean, I love you." she said.

"No, you don't." he said.

"You know we all do." said Cas.

"You gave your life for your brother." she said, "Reading Scarecrow, I saw how you always tried to look after him, even when he had to go his own way. Yes, it's badly written, but I couldn't stop reading it because it showed me something you never told me; how you were always there for Sam and he for you and you love each other so much and I know that telling me the things you don't want me to know is so painful for him." She smiled, "And I know you know that too and you're more angry that he's hurting himself than that he's betraying you."

"Believe what you want to believe." said Dean, "I don't care anymore."

"You should have told me you went to Hell." said Mary.

"Nothing that happened in Hell was anything to be proud of." said Dean, "It's not something I wanted to brag about to you."

"I'm your mother, jackass. We could have talked about it. Aren't you tired of bearing all these burdens alone?"

Dean closed his eyes. When he opened them, he said, "I know you all have good intentions and I know you all want to help and I know you all think that the more we talk, the better things become, but I just want us all to shut up about everything forever. This is a family, not a therapy session. Please, for the sake of my sanity, stay dysfunctional and preferably silent. I'll be in my room and I'll break the first nose through the door."

He went into the bunker.

"What was that?" said Mary.

"That," said Cas, "Was Dean apologising. That was impressive personal growth."

Mary gave him both books. "A promise is a promise." she said. She hugged Sam. "I'm sorry, Sam."

"It's okay, Mom." he said, "Don't worry. He hates me at least once a week."

"I need to know the stuff I don't know." she said, "And I think you both need me to know it."

"I'll talk to him about it." said Sam.

"This all went a lot better than I expected." said Cas. Mary and Sam just stared at him.


	9. Chapter 9

Sam went with his mother to her room. He had not intended to tell her any of what he had told her and he hoped Dean understood that, but there was a kind of relief in not having to keep it from her any longer. "Dean didn't mean what he said, Mom." he said.

"I'm getting used to the things he says when he's upset." she said, "You've both been through so much."

"Yes, him more than me. The stuff Dean has suffered ... it's too much for anyone. I don't know how he's still sane. He's strong. He's too strong. He only agreed to talk to Cas about it all because I promised I would if he did."

"And has talking to Castiel helped you?" she said.

"Actually, it has." he said.

"Talking to me might, too."

He nodded. "It might, but it seems kinda selfish."

"To talk to your mother?"

"To tell my mother stuff that happened while she was dead. You have a legitimate excuse for not knowing any of it and not knowing any of it is probably a good thing."

"Dean said he'd made deals to save the people he loved, but I never thought he'd make that kind of deal."

"He wouldn't, normally." said Sam, He knew better than to do that. I think he just lost his mind when he saw me dead. He couldn't accept it."

"The timescale doesn't make sense." she said, "Aren't most demon deals a ten year thing?"

"They wouldn't give Dean ten years. They gave him a year."

"And you knew?"

"I worked it out pretty quick when I 'survived' a severed spine. He hadn't planned on telling me, either. Dean's not a huge fan of disclosure. At first, he wouldn't even try to get out of the deal. He thought if he broke the contract, I'd die again. At the very end, he tried, but he still refused to risk anything that could end with me dead instead. After he went to Hell, I tried everything to get him out. I begged demons to take me instead, but they wanted Dean."

"How long was he there?" she said.

"Four months our time, longer in Hell."

"And you were alone here?"

"No, I had Bobby. I was okay."

"It doesn't sound like you were okay." she said.

"Dean was the one in Hell."

"And with him there, you weren't?"

"Then Cas got him out and suddenly I had Dean back and we had an angel for a best friend and that has been so incredible." said Sam, not wanting to talk about how empty his life had been without Dean or how Ruby had taken advantage of that.

She sat on the bed and Sam sat beside her. "I assumed Castiel had been sent to help you stop the Apocalypse."

"Actually, his superiors wanted it to go ahead. He rebelled to help us. The way it was planned, I was Lucifer's vessel, Dean was Michael's, but we didn't want to kill each other and wipe out half the world."

"You and Dean were supposed to kill each other?" she said.

"Lucifer and Michael were supposed to fight to the death wearing us. Instead, I let Lucifer in and then I jumped into Hell, into the cage he'd broken out of. Dean had said no to Michael. They'd had to find someone else and I dragged him in too."

"You fought Lucifer in your own body and you won?" she said.

"I won because Dean was there. Without him, I would have failed and Lucifer would be ruling the world."

"Why do you always give Dean the credit for everything you've achieved?"

"Because I know I would have achieved nothing alone. Dean is stronger than I am. He always has been."

She took his hands. "I don't think you have any idea how strong you are." 

"If you'd seen Dean say no to Michael, in the face of threats, promises, bribes, torture and the occasional ultimatum from an angel called Zachariah, you'd know he's stronger than me."

"What about the other Michael? Would he see Dean as a potential vessel?" she said.

"I don't know, but I know one thing, Dean will never say yes to any version of Michael. He just won't. So don't worry about it. Angels and archangels can't possess a vessel without consent."


	10. Chapter 10

Dean was lying on his bed when he heard a knock on the door.

"You want a broken nose?" he said.

The door opened. "My nose has been judged either the most expendable or the hardest to break." said Cas, coming in. He dropped the two books onto the bed. 

Dean picked them up. "That was a disaster." he said.

"If it helps, I think Sam said what he said to protect you. He didn't want her to read that book and read your thoughts when you made that deal."

"She knows that I made the deal." said Dean.

"She's in no position to judge you, given her own demon deal." said Cas, "I need some clarification."

"Go on." said Dean.

"Are we currently friends or foes? You did say you hated me, but I'm hoping that was a temporary state of affairs."

Dean smiled. "We're okay, Cas, but you should probably go. If you want me to promise that I won't give Sam a hard time, I promise. I know he didn't really have a choice. Now, get out and stop wasting time on me."

Cas gestured to the books, "Have you ever read All Hell Breaks Loose?"

"I don't need to read it, I lived it." said Dean.

"You might want to read it anyway." said Cas, "Another perspective."

"Have you read it?" said Dean.

"Yes." said Cas.

Dean nodded. "Get out, Cas."

"You hate me again?"

"No, I hate the fact you've read the book." said Dean.

"Then I regret telling you and I regret reading it." said Cas, "But I still think you should. Seeing yourself, your decisions, from the outside, can be enlightening. Now, I think you want to tell me to leave again."

Dean felt tired. Sending Cas away still seemed like the right thing to do. He knew he was not entirely in control of himself and he might at any moment get angry and say something unfair to someone who had never deliberately tried to hurt him. 

"This was bad timing." said Cas.

"There would never have been a good time for Mom to find those books. Maybe we should have told her they existed and asked her not to look at them, but this is Mom we're talking about and I don't think that ever had a chance of working."

"Her curiosity is understandable." said Cas.

"I know and if it were the other way around, I'd be doing exactly the same thing. Hell, I would have downloaded all those books by now. She has every right to try to find out what she missed. I can't blame her for any of this. I still do. I still wish she'd just left the books alone."

"I want you to know, I fully intended to keep her from reading them if I could. Sam and I both had to make decisions in an evolving situation and I think he made the right decision. If she had found a different book, things would have been different, but that one ... "

"Yeah." said Dean.

"You still want me to leave, don't you?"

"Yeah. Sorry." said Dean.

"Thanks for not breaking my nose."

"I'm not sure I had a chance of breaking it."

"Thanks for not trying." said Cas.

Dean reached over for a cassette tape. "Here, double your music collection. You've got Kansas, AC/DC, Def Leppard, plenty of classics."

"Thanks." said Cas. He took the tape and headed for the door.

"Cas."

"Yes?" he said.

"Make sure Mom and Sam know everything's okay."

"If everything were okay, you'd be telling them that." said Cas.

"I just need ... "

"Time and space?"

"Yeah."

"Any idea how much time?" said Cas.

"No." said Dean.

Cas nodded sadly and walked out. Dean looked at the books. He threw Scarecrow onto a shelf and started to read All Hell Breaks Loose. He hated it. He hated every word of it. He hated Chuck for writing it and Cas for reading it and every stupid fan who thought it was entertaining to watch his brother die, but he kept reading and he tried to see what it was that Cas thought he would find there.

It was strange to read about his brother's encounter with the other special kids in the abandoned town. He smiled at the way Sam organised and reassured the others. He had been a leader even then. Jake made him angry from the start, because he knew Jake was the one who would stab Sam several times in the back and sever his spine.

Seeing himself from outside was weird and it did offer a different perspective. When he found himself reading his brother's death, he couldn't help but cry, but not just for Sam. This time, some of his tears were for the big brother who couldn't face the thought of a life without the little brother he had been protecting all his life.

With nobody needing him to be strong or seem okay, he allowed himself to cry for both the Winchester boys and for the parents they had lost too soon and the life they were forced to lead.

Eventually, his head ached from crying and his chest hurt and he felt angry with the angel who had suggested such a useless exercise in self-pity. He turned out the light and went to sleep, not caring what time it was or what anybody thought of his absence.

His last conscious thought was that he hoped Sam knew he didn't hate him. Sam had enough to worry about.


	11. Chapter 11

It was after midnight when Sam decided he should check on Dean. Mary had turned in hours ago and Jack was watching fantasy films on Sam's laptop, which was a lot safer than letting him look at the fantasies on Dean's. 

He hadn't seen Cas since the discussion outside, but his main concern was for Dean, who had looked as if he couldn't handle any more stress. He'd left him as long as he could, but he needed to know everything was okay, to the limited degree that anything ever was with Dean.

When he reached Dean's door, he found Cas standing outside. "What's going on, Cas?" he said.

"Just leave him for now." said Cas, "He needs rest."

"You were talking to him just now?"

"No, hours ago. Now I'm just making sure he isn't disturbed." said Cas.

"How bad is he?"

"He's fine." said Cas.

"He's fine, but you're standing guard?"

"How are you, Sam?" said Cas.

"Worried about my brother."

"He's asleep." said Cas.

"Did you put him to sleep?" said Sam.

"No, I didn't. You should go and get some sleep, Sam. I'll watch over him."

"Why does he need to be watched over?" said Sam.

"Because he needs sleep." said Cas.

"Does he know you're out here?" said Sam.

"No, and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Is he still angry with me?" said Sam, wondering why else Castiel would be so determined to keep them apart.

"He never was." said Cas, "He understood that you had to tell Mary something and you told her as little as you could to stop her from reading that book."

"Cas, tell me what's wrong." said Sam.

"You know what's wrong. Dean has always wanted to protect your mother from all the things you have both suffered. Now, he doesn't see a way to limit what she finds out. I think he's wondering if he can protect either of you."

"I don't need protection."

"Neither does Mary." said Cas, "He's also worried that we will tell her things he doesn't want her to know. He's trying to trust us, but he's afraid."

"So let me talk to him."

"Are you sure you want to, right now? It's late. You're both tired."

It suddenly occurred to Sam that Cas was trying to protect him, not Dean. "We'll both be fine." he said, "I just need five minutes to talk to him."

Cas stepped aside. "I'll be here, if you need me."

Sam went into the room and turned on the light. All Hell Breaks Loose was partially tucked under a pillow and Dean's red-rimmed eyes opened slowly. "Is it tomorrow?" he said.

"Technically, that would be today." said Sam, "It is after midnight, but not a lot after. You still have plenty of time to sleep. I just needed to know that you're okay and that we're good and ... "

"Everything's fine." said Dean, "I'm sorry for whatever I said earlier and anything I did and I'll apologise to Mom and everything is great."

"Good. That sounds convincing." said Sam.

"Yeah, I think I sold it pretty well." said Dean.

"And you think I'm five years old and not very bright." said Sam.

"Just give me a few hours and I'll be completely convincing." said Dean.

"I don't want convincing. I want honest." said Sam. He picked up the book. "I'll destroy this."

"No. Leave it with me. I'm looking forward to burning it."

Sam dropped it onto the bed. "Okay, just make sure none of the others see it. I don't want anyone else reading the damn things."

"The way I feel tonight, I'd gladly set fire to the author too." said Dean.

"Look, you need to know that I told Mom about Michael and Lucifer and the vessels thing."

"But not about Adam, right?"

"Not about Adam."

"Good. I know she was dead at the time, but I don't want to tell tales on Dad." said Dean, "we have quite enough ways to disappoint and hurt her already."

Sam wondered how to say what he wanted to say without making Dean feel bad and without making him feel pressured. After some thought, he said, "Dean, I need to know you'll still be here in the morning."

"You think I'd run out in the middle of the night?" said Dean.

"I just know that you're not okay and I know that one thing you might do when you're not okay is leave for a while. We need you here, Dean. I need you here."

"I'm not going anywhere, Sam." said Dean.

"Good."

"I couldn't if I wanted to. There's an angel guarding the door."

"You know about that?"

"Yeah. He's been there a while."

"He's worried about you." said Sam.

"I'm starting to worry about him." said Dean, "For a celestial being, he's kinda clingy."

"I can get him to stop guarding you, I think. If you're sure that you don't need to be watched over."

"I'm just tired." said Dean.

"I'll see you in the morning." said Sam, "Don't worry about Mom. We need to tell her some things, but we can take it slowly. We can choose what to tell her."

"No we can't." said Dean, "She'll keep asking."

"What you told us about Hell, there's no need for her to know that." said Sam.

Dean looked at him. "Be honest. How much of a wreck do I seem to you?"

"You're Dean Winchester. You always hold things together better than anyone. You look tired, but not a wreck."

Dean smiled weakly. "Thanks, Sam. You lie well."

"You get back to sleep." said Sam, "Let me deal with Mom tomorrow." He turned out the light again on his way out. He closed the door behind him and said to Cas, "You heard all that?"

"Every word." said Cas.

"Can I persuade you to leave your post? He's planning to sleep."

Cas nodded. "If you need me, I'll be in my room." He still looked troubled.

"I'm worried too, Cas, but he promised not to go anywhere."

"I know and I believe him, but there's been so much progress and those books could destroy it all."

Sam looked at the door. "They won't. He's tired and emotional, but he's strong and he's not giving up."

"I hope you're right." said Cas.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean woke and checked the time on his phone. It was 10:12 am and nobody had yet bothered him, not even Jack, with breakfast. He sent his mother a text. One word. "Sorry."

She quickly replied, "Me too."

A moment later, another text from her, "Talk?"

"Soon. Love you." he sent back.

He left the room, glad to find no watching angel outside. He had a very quick shower and then went to the garage. Hidden in a corner was a bag filled with snacks. It offered a pretty good alternative to eating in the kitchen or library, with all those worried looks from his family and friends.

He got into the car and was about to eat when he noticed the passenger in the back seat. "If you're planning to go for a drive, Cas, you need to be in the front of the car." he said.

"I was just waiting." said Cas.

"For?" said Dean, "For me to run away, when you heard me promise Sam I wouldn't?"

"For you to wake up and probably come here to grab some food without facing Mary or Sam up there." said Cas.

"You have a clever answer for everything, don't you?" said Dean.

"You'd prefer a stupid one?" said Cas.

"You know, you have to stop hanging around me like you did last night or people are gonna talk about us."

"Why is everything a joke to you?" said Cas.

"I'm not joking. I'm trying to make sure you're accepted by the newcomers and that won't be helped by you going around acting like you're Dean Winchester's pet angel. There was no need for you to guard my door. I wasn't planning to leave."

"I wasn't there to keep you in. If you left, I would simply have gone with you." said Cas, "My intention was to keep you from being disturbed."

"The only thing that disturbed me was an overprotective angel." said Dean, "That can be pretty disturbing."

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you." said Cas, "I was troubled by your reaction to those books. You were in pain and yes, I tried to protect you and give you time to recover."

"And tell me to read the damn book."

"Did you?" said Cas.

"No, of course I didn't." said Dean, "I know what happened. I was there. Worst advice ever, though. Imagine if I had read it. Imagine if I reminded myself of the worst time in my entire life. I burnt the damn book. I'm going to give Scarecrow to Sam to burn. It's kinda cathartic, watching the things turn to ash." He shut up, knowing that saying too much would tell Cas he was lying.

Then he wondered why he was lying. It felt wrong, but he knew if he told the truth now, that would be worse. He also knew he could not admit to Cas that he had been wrapped in self-pity all night.

"I sent Mom a text to say sorry." he said, "So we're fine now."

"Good." said Cas, "I know she understands, but it's good that you're talking ... well, texting."

"Yeah, I think that's a good thing." said Dean.

"Have you seen Sam yet, this morning?" said Cas.

"No. Have you?" 

"Not yet. I wanted to talk to you first. I wanted to know you were okay."

"I always am, Cas. I have to be."

"You don't believe that, you know I don't believe it. I have to wonder why you bothered to say it."

"Habit." said Dean, "It's fine. I know you don't believe it. I'm not thinking you're dumb enough to believe it. I just say it because that's what I say when I can't say something real."

"Like what?"

"Yeah, I'm not dumb either, dumbass."

Cas smiled. "I had to try. I thought maybe we were past lying to each other."

"That would be good, wouldn't it?" said Dean.

"I think so." said Cas.

"Okay, here's the stone cold truth, well, some of it. Yesterday threw me for a loop and I handled it badly and I feel like a fool and I worried you and Sam and Mom and did nothing at all to help any of you deal with the situation. Now, I've had plenty of sleep and I'll handle things better."

"You told Sam you'd be more convincing today." said Cas, "Which suggests you intended to lie."

"The stuff I just said is true." said Dean.

"And the stuff you didn't say?"

Dean wondered how much of it he had worked out. "Not saying." he said.

"So, what now." said Cas.

"Leaving Sam to deal with Mom would be pretty cowardly." said Dean.

"I know he's willing to do it."

"And if she asks him something and he tells her ... "

"I'm sure he will think before telling her anything." said Cas.

"I just don't feel strong enough." said Dean.

"That, I believe." said Cas, "So leave Sam to deal with Mary."

"It seems unfair." said Dean.

"You need time to think. Don't decide immediately."

"What if they come looking for me?"

"Do you want to leave the bunker for a while?" said Cas.

"And go where?"


	13. Chapter 13

In the kitchen, Sam looked at the texts from Dean on his mother's phone. "Well, at least he's communicating."

"Barely." she said, "Should I find him and talk to him?"

"I don't know. Last night, he looked wiped out. It might be best to let him come to us."

"You think he will?"

"Yeah, I think so. That other book, Mom, I died in front of him. Bobby said he wouldn't eat or sleep. He just stayed with me. We don't ever talk about that. He can't talk about it. Just hearing the title of that book must have been like having his heart torn out. Dean will come back to us, but sometimes, he needs just to go away and howl in pain. We can push him to talk to us, but it's maybe not the best thing for him."

"Doesn't it seem to you that dealing with this stuff alone is why he is in so much pain?" she said.

"Yes, but he feels he has to do it alone. Of course, he's not completely alone. Cas will be there if he needs him."

"You have a lot of faith in Cas."

"I have reason to believe in Cas."

"Does he really understand human emotions?"

"Better than we sometimes give him credit for, I think." said Sam, "He knows Dean. He has a talent for seeing past all Dean's masks. He can also get Dean to talk, not always and not easily, but his success rate is higher than mine." 

His own phone vibrated on the table. He read the text from Cas aloud, "Don't worry, Dean is with me. All is well. Going to Ionia."

"All is well?" said Mary, "Does that seem likely to you?"

"He means comparatively." said Sam, "Let's trust Cas. You know, he was guarding Dean's door last night."

"That seems a tad obsessive."

"I talked him into leaving it, but at least he cares."

"So do I, but Dean won't let me anywhere near him. Why is Cas so special?" she said.

"It's not that." said Sam, "Dean wants to protect you. He never wanted you to know any of the bad stuff."

"How much is there?" she said.

"Too much. And he's right. There's no reason to tell you most of it."

"Sam, I can see the pain in your eyes. I see the fear that you're trying to hide from everyone. You've been through Hell, literally, and you think you have to handle it alone too. I'm your mother. You can tell me anything."

"I can't even tell Dean everything." said Sam, "And he already knows so much of it. Protecting those we love is sometimes the only way we have to win the fight."

"Maybe I want to protect the ones I love too. Are you going to deny me that?"

"For now, I have to. Dean is struggling and I need to be there for him. I don't have time to wallow in self-pity." He went quiet for a moment. That was the kind of thing Dean always said. He hoped his mother wouldn't notice.

She seemed not to. "I'm worried about both of you and you're both keeping me at a distance. Maybe I should have said nothing and read the books."

"When I know Dean's okay, I can talk to you. I'll tell you some of the stuff that has happened."

"Just some?"

"You don't want to know the rest." he said, "And those books would not have done any of us any good. Dean's destroyed them. It's for the best. Do you really think you could bear to read the part where Dean sells his soul? Because I never want to."

"Is Carver Edlund still writing?" she said.

"I don't think so. I think he stopped some years ago. I hope he did."

"So how many books are there?"

"I honestly don't know. Amazingly, Dean and I are not really big fans."

"I enjoyed Scarecrow. The way you two cared about each other. Dean, trying to let you go and you unable to leave him in danger. However Edlund got his information, I'm glad I read that."

"Well, I can tell you this, through all that has happened, Dean has always had my back. Dean stood by me when no-one else would have. Dean has never let me down. I wish I could say I never let him down."

"He says that." said Mary.

"His memory is more kind than accurate." said Sam, "I've screwed up, I mean, a lot. Every single time, no matter how bad a mess I made, he was there to help me fix it."

"I think you're too hard on yourself." she said.

"And that's another good reason not to list all the mistakes." he said.

She was silent for a while. Eventually, she said, "What's in Ionia?"

"Nothing, as far as I know. I'm sure Cas will tell us later. As far as I'm concerned, if Dean is with Cas, he's safe."


	14. Chapter 14

"Take the private road to the left." said Cas.

"This friend of yours, is it an angel friend?" said Dean, hoping it was not some kind of therapist.

"No, Sarah is very human."

"Sarah?" said Dean, "A female friend? Okay."

"Does it make a difference?" said Cas.

Dean was disappointed. He continued to hope that Cas would find someone. "So, just a friend, then?"

They had arrived at a small farmhouse, painted in white and a yellow that had started bright and faded in places. There were flowers everywhere and apple trees and an old Ford car that looked as if it ran on hope.

The front door opened and Sarah came hurrying to greet them. She looked about seventy-five and her long silver hair was held back with a large butterfly hair clip. There were silver rings on her fingers and she wore a blue cotton dress that had been repaired more than once.

She stopped in front of Cas. "Castiel, my dear, I've missed you."

"I've been busy." he said, "But you always wanted to meet the Winchesters. This is Dean. Dean, this is Sarah Kranz."

She looked at Dean. "So lovely to meet you, at last. Castiel, I thought you said Sam was the tall one."

"Dean is tall, Sam is taller." said Cas.

"Like, freakishly, unnaturally tall." said Dean, "It's great to meet any of Castiel's friends. I get the feeling you know more about me than I know about you."

"Oh, yes, he talks about you a lot." she said, "Come in. I have some apple cider, if you'd like some."

"Sounds great." said Dean, following her to the house. As they got closer, he saw beehives to the side of the house. "Bees." he said, "You keep bees?"

"You're not afraid of them, I hope." she said, "It's amazing how many people are."

"No. It's just that I know Castiel is fond of bees." he said.

"Yes, and they're fond of him. Castiel, dear, introduce Dean to the girls. I'll get the drinks ready."

Cas led him to the beehives and the bees began to gather around the angel, swirling in peaceful clouds of noisy activity.

"Is that normal?" said Dean.

"They like me." said Cas, "I'm not sure why. They just always have."

"This is where you came from that time you turned up naked and covered in bees?" said Dean.

"I'm surprised you remember that." said Cas.

"Oh, trust me, engraved on my memory forever."

A few bees swirled around Dean, decided they preferred Cas and surrounded him again. Dean looked at the hives. On each one, a small wooden shingle was nailed which had a name painted on it with tiny painted flowers entwined around it. As he read the names, he felt the pricking of tears, which he quickly blinked away. Charlie, Meg, Mary, Eileen, Jo and Ellen. "These names ... " he said.

"Sarah lets me name the queens." said Cas, "Does it offend you?"

"Not at all." said Dean, "Good names, all of them."

"Even Meg?"

"Meg earned my respect." said Dean, "So is Sarah the one you said might let you have a swarm of bees for the bunker roof?"

"Yes. I have mentioned it to her. They didn't swarm this summer, but next year, if they do, she'll let me know."

"You can communicate with bees. Can you train them?"

"No need. Everything they need to know is encoded into them from the start." said Cas.

"I was thinking you could use them for surveillance. I mean, could you train them to look for specific people? We could call it an APBee." He smiled hopefully at Cas.

Who manifestly failed to get the joke. "No, I don't think it would work. Bees are not very interested in humans."

Sarah called them to the house and they went inside. Dean was relieved to see that the bees did not follow Cas indoors. They all sat in Sarah's comfortable parlour. There were plates of cakes on the coffee table. "I know angels don't eat, but I'm sure you do." she said to Dean.

"You know he's an angel?" said Dean.

"Oh yes. When Castiel first came to me, he was in a fragile state and in no condition to dissemble. He told me all about himself and about you and your brother and how you saved the world several times." She patted Dean's arm. "For which I would like to say thanks. I really like the world as it is."

"You're very welcome." he said.

"It can't be easy, fighting a battle nobody knows about to protect people who don't know they're in danger from things they don't believe exist."

"No, it really isn't." said Dean, "But I think it's worth it."

Cas was being very quiet. Dean looked at him and saw an odd look of peace on his face. Cas noticed him looking and smiled. "Isn't this place wonderful?" he said.

Dean looked around at the frills and florality of a woman who had clearly had a lot of years to indulge her own taste and assert her solitary self-sufficiency, but the faded photos around the room, some of them in frames bearing the marks of years of handling told the rest of the story. She had no-one to love but memories, bees and an angel who had come to her when his world fell apart. Tragic, really, yet she had clearly shown that angel all the kindness and care she could no longer bestow on her family.

"It's beautiful." he said.

Sarah smiled warmly. "I'm so glad you like it. I've been so nervous about meeting you and Sam. I was so afraid you'd think me a mad old woman."

"I told you they would never think that." said Cas, "I knew they would love you. If you don't mind, I'd like to ... "

"Yes, my dear, you go and talk to them again." Cas left and Sarah told Dean, "I've found angels are a lot like cats. They will come to visit and, if you're kind to them, they will keep coming back. They might even stay, for a while, but you can never own one."

"How many angels do you know?" he said.

"Just that one, but I'm sure the others are the same."

"When he came to you, I know he was pretty broken." said Dean.

"Yes. At first, he didn't say much. He just hung around the bees. I decided, if they liked him, I had no reason not to. Bees are good judges of character, you know. As I said, like with cats, you have to win their trust."

"I think you and your bees helped him a lot." said Dean.

"So did you."

"No, I really didn't. I put too much pressure on him."

"He had so much guilt. He told me some of the things he'd done, none were his fault. Angels were never supposed to think for themselves. He was an innocent. He was a child with a box of matches, just trying to warm the room and starting fires wherever he went."

"I think that was my fault. I gave him the matches. I taught him about free will."

"He needed to learn about it. It was just a hard series of lessons. 'Why this angel?' I asked myself, 'Why does he get to exert free will when none of the rest can, according to him?' And the answer I came up with is that he believes in us. He loves us. Specifically, he loves you and your brother."

"And you, it seems." said Dean.

"I always get along well with cats, too." she said. She went over to look out of the window. "He's surrounded again." she said, "I'd love to know what he tells them and what they tell him, but it does him and them good to be together."

"Cas makes things better for everyone." said Dean.

Sarah looked at him. "You're having a hard time yourself, aren't you, Dean?"

"Others have it worse." he said, "My brother, for example. He has so much to deal with and he ends up having to worry about me."

"And you're worried about him."

He looked outside. Cas was walking slowly around, followed everywhere by clouds of bees. "Cas looks very happy." he said, "This place is good for him. It's good to see him relax."

"He's good company." she said, "Even when he only talks to the girls."

"And you're alone a lot." said Dean, "You've lost a lot of people."

She sighed and stroked the nearest photo frame. "I've lost everyone. There's no family left now. But I have dear Castiel and now I have you. I mean, it must be a kind of family, to share an angel."

"Yes, Sarah," said Dean, "I think it probably is."

"Well, then, we have a lot to catch up on. Tell me your life story, Dean. I doubt you have many chances to tell an unedited version."

Dean smiled. "You may regret asking me."

"Oh, that sounds like I'm in for a very interesting story." she said.


	15. Chapter 15

Sam's lunch consisted of a packet of potato chips and a bottle of beer, consumed in the library while he tried to find anything in Ionia that might interest either Dean or Cas. He was glad they were together, but would have been happier to keep Dean close.

His mother came in. "Any news?" she said.

"Nothing yet." he said, "Which means the situation is under control."

"Whose control, Dean's or Castiel's?" she said.

"We're all on the same team." said Sam, "Look, I'll call Cas. If he can talk, he'll let us know what's going on."

Cas answered quickly. "Sam, give me a second." After a brief pause, he said, "Sorry that I had to get him out of there."

"It's fine, Cas. I'm sure you did the right thing. Mom's here." He put the phone on speaker. "Why Ionia?"

"We're at a friend's place. Sarah is a very calming influence. Keeps bees. I left them to talk. At the very least, she'll distract him."

"How is he?" said Mary.

"Better than last night." said Cas. 

"Should you be with him?" she said.

"If I were with him, he wouldn't talk." said Cas.

"I don't think he'll talk anyway." said Mary.

"Maybe not." said Cas, "But I can be of no use to him. My absence may be helpful. If he needs me, I'm here."

"Has he mentioned the books at all?" said Sam.

"He said he burned All Hell Breaks Loose. I suggested last night that he should read it. He thought that was a stupid idea." said Cas, "He said he's leaving Scarecrow for you to burn."

Sam thought about it. Dean had been crying at some point the night before and he had not been able to work out why. It was impossible to ask Dean, because he would never admit to it, but it made perfect sense if he had read that book and relived the terrible things that had happened.

"I should go." said Cas, "I don't want him to think I'm reporting back."

"Look after him, Cas." he said, "We'll talk when you get home." He put the phone in his pocket. "He's mentioned a friend who keeps bees before. Cas doesn't have a lot of friends. She must be someone special."

"This is my fault." said Mary, "I should have kept quiet about the books."

"Maybe we should have warned you they existed." said Sam, "It's not your fault, not anybody's fault. Our lives are just a minefield of bad memories and we didn't give you any real warning because we didn't want you to know how bad things were before you came back. Maybe it's my fault."

"Maybe we should forget about blame." she said, "All I care about is that you two are okay. You three. I know Castiel is suffering too."

"I'm fine, Cas is fine and Dean will be fine." said Sam, "Try not to worry."

When she had gone, he went straight to Dean's room. Scarecrow was in plain sight, All Hell Breaks Loose was under the mattress. He wasn't sure what to do. He thought of destroying both books, getting them out of the way before Dean got back, but it was possible that reading it had been good for him or would be in the long term.

He opened it at a random page and began to read, but a few pages were enough to bring back memories he preferred not to think about. Knowing that Dean's despair and terrible decision were not much further in, he stopped reading.

He wished he could talk to Dean about the book and discuss arguments for and against keeping it around, but Dean would just get angry. It would be safer to talk to Cas, who must have had good reasons for suggesting that Dean should read it. He carefully put the book back exactly as he'd found it. Dean was too good a hunter to miss any changes.

Sam had never been comfortable with feeling helpless. He headed to the armoury and began to check and clean the weapons. He tried not to think about anything else, but the thought kept returning that all of Dean's problems had begun with Sam's first death, the result of his stupidity in believing he could trust Jake.

He knew that Dean would also have been reminded of that if he had read the book. He was fine with that though, if it meant Dean would blame someone other than himself.


	16. Chapter 16

Dean didn't know why he found Sarah such easy company, except perhaps that he had spent days in the bunker, surrounded by people who looked up to Sam or who worried about him and around whom he had to constantly watch what he said and how he said it.

Sarah had no expectations of him and was not anxious about him either. She simply offered him cakes and refilled his glass and smiled and listened as he told her how he had grown up on the road, following his Dad, looking after Sam, saving people, hunting things. 

To her, he didn't have to defend his father or try to prove himself as good as he was. He just told her the truth. It had been hard. It had been lonely. It had been worth it. Home had been any room where he and his father and brother could be safe together.

"When Dad went missing," he said, "I went to Stanford to get Sam. He didn't really wanna come, but I convinced him. For a long time, he didn't think he was a hunter and now, he's teaching other hunters. He's a leader. It's just effortless for him. I could never be like that. He speaks, they listen. I piss people off."

Sarah smiled. "According to Castiel, you are a natural leader."

"No, no, no. Angels have weird ideas about leadership. They will follow anything, rather than risk having to think for themselves. Even now, Cas will follow me just because I am not him. Humans tend not to like me. I speak my mind too much."

"You mean you're honest."

"I think the word is tactless." said Dean.

"I like tactless people." said Sarah, "Never could stand fakes."

"Sammy isn't a fake. He just has diplomacy."

"It's good that you two are so close. I don't think many brothers spend their whole lives working so closely together."

"Not many have to." he said, "Sam's great. No matter how bad things get, he's always there when I need him. He never lets me down. He's been more than half dead and still come through for me. When I give up, when I lose all hope, he's the one right beside me, telling me to hold on, because things will get better and we will find a way. You don't know what that's worth. Sometimes, that's everything."

"I can imagine." she said, "Do you often give up?"

"More often than he does. It's hard to go on believing, when we lose or fail or someone we love is snatched away."

"I know. I've been there myself." said Sarah, "All losses are hard, but to lose someone we love is the worst, worse even than to lose yourself."

"Yes." said Dean.

"You wish, sometimes, that you could stop feeling the love, knowing that the love will turn to grief. You wish your heart could die. You long for a way to stop feeling and sometimes, for a time, you find it."

"For a while, you feel numb and cold and nothing matters." said Dean, "But the grief isn't gone, you're just hiding from it for a while and it will find you and then you'll feel all the loss, without the warmth of the love to make it bearable."

"And on top of all that, you had to try to help Sam." said Sarah.

"He helped me, a lot of the time. Sam is strong."

"Oh, I know, Castiel always says that. He says you're both strong, stronger than any angel or archangel." said Sarah.

"He's right about Sam, wrong about me." said Dean, "My whole life is a list of bad decisions, made in a moment of weakness."

"Out of fear, or out of love?" she said.

"Does it make a difference? Stupid is stupid."

She nodded. "That's what I thought. Love every time." 

"Maybe not every time, but yeah, sometimes." he admitted.

"To go through loss again and again, to face demons and devils and less than angelic angels in combat and still to be able to love and care takes a kind of strength most people simply don't have."

"It doesn't feel like strength. It feels like a fatal flaw." said Dean.

"It's very hard to see ourselves as others see us. We see in the mirror of our own prejudiced minds and we are often far harsher on ourselves than we would be on someone else."

"I think I've always been too easy on myself. I tell myself I do things for good reasons. I'm not sure I ever have."

"Now you sound like Castiel." said Sarah, "When he starts listing all his mistakes, you'd swear he must be worse than Lucifer."

"No. He doesn't understand his own mistakes."

"I know. He has the purest heart I've ever known. He wants so much to be perfect. You, I suspect, also want to be perfect and every time you fall short, you feel you failed. If life has taught me anything, and by the age of ninety, it really should have taught me something, it is that our imperfections are the way we grow."

"You are not ninety." said Dean.

"I will be ninety-one in February." she said.

"Not a chance." he said.

"I am ninety. I have my birth certificate here somewhere. Of course, when it snows, I am seven. When the first flowers open, I am fifteen. You, my dear, are eighteen when you defeat a monster, four when you feel most alone, eighty under the weight of all the mistakes you think you have made."

"You know the worst part? I would make most of them again. My soul for Sam's life? Not even a decision to be made. The Mark of Cain to vanquish Abaddon? How else was I going to do it? Gadreel? Sam was going to die. Again, no choice. All stupid, idiotic mistakes, all with terrible consequences, but there is nothing I would not do, no sacrifice I would not make for Sam or Castiel or this world that they both depend on."

"Then were they mistakes at all, or just hard choices you had to make and had the courage to make for love?"

"When I was in Hell, I made a choice that cannot be seen as anything but evil." he said.

Sarah went to the door and shouted, "Castiel, my dear, come in here."

Cas came in, a few bees accompanying him to the door, but leaving as he entered the house. Dean watched them fly away.

"Oh, this is nothing." she said, "At least he's fully clothed this time."

"Yes, he once came to me clothed only in bees." said Dean, "And bees have no sense of decency. Does it bother you when that happens?"

She chuckled. "My dear, at my age, you stop being shocked by anything and frankly, it's just nice to see some flesh that isn't wrinkled as a prune." She smiled at Cas. "Dean says he is evil."

"Dean is not in his right mind." said Cas, "I trust his judgement on everybody but himself."

"You know what happened in Hell." said Dean, "Go ahead and tell her."

Cas turned to Sarah and said, "Dean was tortured in Hell. They made him think he was a monster. One day, I have faith that he will break free of that and recognise that it was their thought, not his."

"Cas has a blind spot where I am concerned." said Dean.

"I think maybe your vision is limited, not his." she said, "Torture can do that. I have experience of helping the victims of torture."

"How about the perpetrators?"

"Sometimes the same people." she said.

"Who and what are you?" he said.

"An old lady with a long and interesting past." she said, "And I hope to get a chance to tell you all about it, you and your brother. I worked with the Red Cross for a long time and I met a lot of people in warzones who thought they were evil, but were not. I'm not even sure evil exists."

"It exists." said Dean. He was sure of that. if nothing else.

"We'll argue that out another time, but I promise you, there is one thing I know beyond doubt."

"What's that?" he said.

"Sweet Castiel has never lied to me and never will."


	17. Chapter 17

  
On the way back to Lebanon, Dean asked a question that had been on his mind since they left Sarah's farm. "So, why did you take me there?" he said.

"You needed peace." said Castiel, "I go there to find peace. Sarah demands nothing, makes no unkind judgements."

"Oh, I noticed that." said Dean, "So how did you meet her?"

"I was lost and I followed some bees. I ended up at her hives."

"Naked or ..."

"No, fully clothed that day. She talked to me. She listened to me and you'll remember, at the time, I was not making a lot of sense."

"Yeah, I remember."

"But she didn't need sense. Somehow she knew I was telling the truth and that was enough for her. She asked where I was staying that night and I explained that angels don't sleep and that I would keep walking and she said, 'Angel or not, you need to stop and rest sometime.' So she let me use her guest room and every day, we'd sit together for meals, even though I don't eat and she'd allow me to spend as much time as I wanted with the bees. She was a friend at a time when I sorely needed one."

"And at a time when I was useless for that, because I was obsessed with avenging Bobby."

"Dean, it wasn't your obsession that got in the way, but my guilt. I hadn't let Sarah down. I hadn't lied to her or driven her brother mad. I wanted things back to normal between us, but I was afraid to ask for too much when I couldn't even be of use to you in the fight."

"However you slice it, I wasn't there when you needed me."

"Maybe I was wrong to take you there, if it's only going to feed your irrational guilt." said Cas.

"Sarah's car is glad I went there." said Dean, "Next time, I'll take more tools and maybe some paint. We also need to take Sam. She wants to meet him and I think she'll be good for him."

"I think you're right." said Cas. Dean could hear his smile without turning to look.

"Yeah, and for me." he said, "I'll admit, it felt good not to have to watch my words."

"I hope you don't feel that I told her too much about you and Sam. I have talked about both of you a lot. There was really no-one else I could talk to so freely."

"And she will never use that information against us. I get why you needed to talk and I get why you trusted her. I trust her too. I'm glad there is someone out there you can talk to, even if it reminds me how often I've failed to be there when you needed me."

"Dean, that isn't true. You've done a lot for me. I owe you everything. Did you happen to notice that Sarah agrees with me about you?"

"She's a sweet old lady who isn't sure evil exists." said Dean, "You and I both know it does."

"She's a very wise woman." said Cas.

"So, you had a room there for a while?"

"Have a room there."

"Right." said Dean, certain that it would be more homey than his room in the bunker. "What's it like?"

"It has a window overlooking the hives. It has pictures of flowers and bees everywhere."

"Nice."

"Yes."

"Speaking of pictures, she's lost a lot of people, hasn't she?"

"Everyone, I think." said Cas.

"Having you around must help her a lot." said Dean.

"I think so. I hope so."

"Is she really ninety?"

"Ninety-one, next February fifth." said Cas.

"Since when do you do birthdays?" 

"Birthdays are important to her."

Dean glanced at Cas. "I wish you'd told me about her before. She's clearly a big part of your life."

"I've wanted you to meet for a long time. She deserves to know you and Sam and you both deserve to know her."

"If you ever want to invite her to the bunker, I'd be fine with that."

"I would never invite anyone there unless you and Sam agreed." said Cas.

"I know, which is why I'm giving my blessing now. Remember the rules, Cas. Family is family, however we find them and Sarah is family to you and that makes her one of us."

"I'm very glad you feel that way." said Cas.

"Of course, I'll mercilessly mock you for having an elderly girlfriend."

"I'd expect nothing less, although, she is, of course, a lot younger than I am."


	18. Chapter 18

As soon as Jack conveyed the information that Cas and Dean were home, Sam left the armoury and went to meet them. He had no idea what state of mind Dean was in, so he just said, "It's good to see you." and left it up to Dean how he wanted to greet him.

Dean nodded. "Sorry I left like that, but I didn't leave in the night, which is what I promised not to do."

"You didn't leave alone, which is what I was afraid you'd do." said Sam.

"You can stop worrying. I pulled myself together." said Dean. 

Sam tried to make his smile convincing. That form of words didn't reassure him at all. "So, tell me about Cas's ladyfriend." he said.

"I'm pretty sure it's love." said Dean, "And she is smokin' hot, isn't she, Cas?"

"It's really not that kind of relationship." said Cas.

"She calls him dear Castiel a lot." said Dean.

"I wouldn't say a lot." said Cas.

"I would definitely say a lot." said Dean, "Now, I need to see what paint we have. That car of hers deserves a nice new coat. You two play nicely." he headed back towards the garage and then turned and said, "Don't look so worried, Sam. I'm fine, Pact fine, Pact finetastic." He left.

"How bad is he?" Sam asked Cas.

"Somewhere between finetastic and catastrophic and I can't be more precise than that. I didn't hear what he said to Sarah, but she has a way of drawing things out of people and I think she helped him."

"You need to know something," said Sam, "He read the book."

"No, he said he didn't. He destroyed it." said Cas.

"He lied. It's under his mattress."

"So I can't talk to him about it without telling him you've been in his room, which, in case you haven't noticed, he doesn't like." said Cas.

"Obviously, we're not going to tell him we know." said Sam.

"Are you sure he read it?"

"Yes. Dean cried last night, Cas. There isn't much that can make him do that. That book, though, so many bad memories, so many reminders of things he doesn't want to remember."

"But why tell me, if I have to pretend I don't know?"

"Because pretending we don't know gives us an advantage. You mention that book to Dean, he'll clam up and deny everything. If, as far as he is concerned, we know nothing, we can be subtle and just nudge him towards the realisation that what happened was entirely my fault. He gets angry with me, suddenly he's not turning all his rage on himself."

"He's pounding your head against the wall. Not entirely convinced that's an improvement on the current situation."

"You know Dean won't kill me. He won't seriously hurt me. When his anger is aimed at me, he tempers and controls it. We're talking a few weeks of resentment, during which you can be working to help him through all the stuff he's trying to deal with." said Sam.

"Even if it were a good idea and it's not, it's a stupid one and I, the master of stupid ideas, am telling you it's so stupid even I wouldn't touch it, how would we even begin to make him blame you?"

Sam laughed. "Cas, have you read the book?"

"Yes, I've read all the books."

"Then you know I was to blame."

"For a decision your brother made when you were dead?"

"For a decision I made that made me dead. Jake had already tried to kill me. He'd almost succeeded. I had the opportunity to kill him and I chose not to. I walked away. It was the dumbest thing I have ever done."

"Is this a joke that I'm not getting?" said Cas.

"Read the book again."

"Have you read it?"

"No and I don't want to. But you told Dean to read it for a reason, didn't you? You wanted him to understand he was forced into his mistake by mine."

"I wanted him to see himself as someone else would see him, an author, a reader, someone who saw him as a hero. I wanted him to show himself the same understanding he would show anyone else who sold their soul to save a loved one."

"Well, my idea will work better on Dean." said Sam, "Anger works."

"Sam, enough."

"Enough what?" 

"Enough avoidance, enough denial, enough insane theories that make you the villain. We're going to discuss this, at length and in depth until you understand that you are not to blame, not even a little bit. My room, your room or on the road, we are dealing with this now."

"No, we're not." said Sam, "Dean should be your priority. Dean is in serious danger of losing his mind."

"You seem to have already lost yours."

"I'm fine."

"Always." said Cas.

"Cas, we can't waste time on this. One day, Michael will find a way to get here and we need to be ready and getting those offworlders ready is my responsibility."

"A responsibility you will carry out more easily if you're not trapped in delusional guilt about your brother." said Cas, "So let's go to my room, which is quiet and out of the way and just talk this through."

"I can't." said Sam, "What if someone heard?"

"The only two who can hear whispered conversations emanating from my room are Jack and me. I will already be a part of the conversation and Jack will not repeat anything he hears. You did promise in the Pact ... "

"To talk about Hell. This predates Hell by years."

"I'm going to rule that it strongly influences your view of what happened in Hell to both you and Dean, so it counts."

"You can't so rule." said Sam.

"You want a vote of two out of three? I can get Dean here now and put it to him."

"He'd know we knew about the book." said Sam, imagining the anger that would unleash and the harm to his plans.

"Then, on balance, possibly best if we just do this quietly, by ourselves." said Cas.

"Dean is on the brink of insanity and you want to waste time on a few bad memories of mine?" said Sam.

"If you were a medic, which patient would you treat first? The one who showed you his broken leg or the one covering a gunshot wound to the chest who swears he'll be fine?"

"This wound is healed." said Sam, "I've lived with it a long time."

"Then why are you so afraid to let anyone near it?" said Cas.

"I have a bunker full of people who need me to be strong." said Sam.

"And one friend, who loves you and needs you, just once, to stop being so strong and admit that you are human."

"I freely admit that. I'll go further, I am a flawed, weak, damaged human. All the more reason to paint over the cracks and pretend I am the leader they need."

"And I am an angel corrupted by being too close to treacherous humans and their manipulative ways and I happen to know where to find your mother and brother. So, do we go quietly, or is it time for a less than divine intervention?"


	19. Chapter 19

Sam reluctantly followed Cas. They went to the library first, where Jack was using Sam's laptop. Sam didn't speak. He was well aware that he would sound weak and shaken if he did. 

Jack's smile didn't waver. "Can I get you coffee or anything?" he said.

"No, thanks, Jack." said Cas, "Sam and I need to talk and we need not to be interrupted. Can you run interference on any extraneous Winchesters that head in the direction of my room?"

"No problem." said Jack.

"Good man!" said Cas, "Come on, Sam."

Sam went with him, resenting him every step. When Cas's door closed behind them and Cas locked it, Sam said, "Is that necessary?"

"It's not to keep you in, but to keep them out."

"Of course. You don't need the key to keep me in. You have blackmail for that." said Sam.

"I regret the necessity. I wish you could just trust me." Cas sounded tired and sad and Sam found it hard to maintain both anger and concern at once.

"Forget this, Cas." he said, "Dean is a big enough problem to deal with."

Cas looked into his eyes. "Sam, please, you always try to delay facing these things and it never helps. Just this once, let's make you the priority. I promise, I will not neglect Dean."

"And what about yourself?" said Sam.

"You let me worry about me." said Cas.

"If I said that ... "

"You take the bed. I'll take the chair." said Cas, "You should lie down. You might feel less tense."

"This doesn't need to happen." said Sam.

"If you love me and you love your brother, lie down and stop fighting this. if Dean knew what you've been thinking and feeling, it would break his heart."

"All I ever do is break Dean's heart." said Sam, but he lay on the bed. "What now?" he said.

"I want you to tell me, in your own words, what led to Dean's demon deal."

"I really don't want to talk about that."

"Noted. Talk anyway." said Cas, "You said you were to blame because you didn't kill Jake. Tell me about the fight."

"It wasn't much of a fight." said Sam, "He had superhuman strength. It was like being hit by a truck. I heard bones break with every blow. I didn't expect to come out of there alive. I still don't know how I managed to beat him."

"You're a Winchester." said Cas.

Sam smiled. "Yeah, that's probably it. Anyway, he was helpless on the ground and I picked up an iron bar and I was going to kill him. If I'd killed him, nothing that happened would have happened. I would not have died. Dean would never have thrown away his life in a crossroads deal and the apocalypse would never have been started. But I didn't kill him. I wimped out."

"That's not how it reads in the book."

"I don't want to know what the book says." said Sam quickly, sitting up.

"I won't tell you anything about what Dean went through." said Cas. Sam lay back again. "But according to the book, you decided not to kill Jake because he was helpless and unarmed and at your mercy and because killing him would make you something you didn't want to be. So you spared him and you walked away. Is that true?"

Sam nodded. "I think so. Now I just wish I had killed him then. I killed him later and so brutally, Dean and Bobby were shocked, so I guess I was what I didn't want to be anyway."

"No. You gave him every chance to do the right thing. You killed him only when it was very clear that he had chosen Azazel. That's not the same thing at all as killing a scared kid because he misjudged the situation."

"But still, everything that happened, happened because I made that error of judgement and we can make Dean see that and just one flash of anger in my direction will break the hold all that has on him and make him at least question his guilt."

"Some of what happened had to happen to save the world." said Cas, "It's true that everything afterwards was shaped by that decision, along with many others, but you need to remember that both you and Dean were being pushed in that direction by forces beyond your control, destiny, fate, providence and Zachariah. To kickstart the apocalypse, they needed Dean in Hell and there was only one way to get him there, by making sure it was his only way to save you. Somehow, in some way, they were always going to force him to make that choice and you were always going to be the reason he did it."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better about it?" said Sam, "Even after he made the deal, we had a year to fix it and I let him talk me out of trying."

"Again, not how the books describe it." said Cas, "In the books, Sam constantly tries to find ways out of the demon deal, even though Dean repeatedly tells him not to."

"And he fails and Dean goes to Hell." said Sam, "I know you want to make this seem better than it is, but I sent my brother to Hell. I'm the reason he hates himself." Tears blurred his vision. "Have you ever thought how good his life would have been if I'd never been born?"

"We've seen a world without you in it and it's not a happy place. If you had never been born, Dean would not be a hunter. Countless lives would have been lost."

"Dean would not hate himself. Dean would not be in constant pain."

"And if we gave him the choice, he'd choose pain for himself and all those lives saved." said Cas.

"I tried to take his place." said Sam, a tear falling down his cheek.

"Yes, you did. Sam, you did all you could."

"I couldn't save him. All the time, he was telling me not to try and that he was fine with going to Hell and all the time, I could see the terror in his eyes and the fear of what was coming and he knew, he could break the contract at any time with the only price being my life, which was supposed to have ended anyway. He was terrified and he still chose me."

"He would make the same choice again." said Cas.

Sam angrily brushed away the tears that were now flowing fast. "If anyone out there ever knows ... "

"Only we will ever know." said Cas, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. "Sam, stop fighting this. Stop trying to push all the pain down again. You don't have to prove to me how strong you are. I've been beating my head against Winchesters for years."


	20. Chapter 20

Dean found his mother by the map table and said, "Hey, Winchester, do you have a minute? I thought we could take a walk."

"Sounds good." she said.

They left the bunker and started walking. They'd been going for five minutes at least when he summoned up the courage to say, "I overreacted about the books and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I didn't back off when I should have."

"I understand. When Sam keeps things from me, it drives me crazy. If you were keeping something from me, I'd tear the bunker apart to find out what. I want you to believe that I was mostly trying to protect you. I really want to believe that myself, but there was also an aspect of protecting myself."

"Because what happened in Hell made you feel bad about yourself and you're worried I'll think less of you?"

"Exactly." said Dean.

"Can't happen. I gave birth to you. I named you. I watched you dance around the house to Zeppelin. I saw you kiss Sam the first time you saw him. Dean, if you became the King of Hell, I'd still love you. There's not a thing you can do that can ever stop me loving you."

"I felt I owed it to you, to keep you out of my Hell. I never wanted you to know about it, any of it."

"If you really can't tell me, I'll stop asking." she said.

"No, ask anything and I'll try to tell you the truth, because silences and lies are always the things that hurt our family. I was wrong to keep it from you. I was wrong to see you as someone who needs protection. You're a Campbell and a Winchester and I should never underestimate you."

"Dean, are you sure? Because you don't seem to be thinking very clearly at the moment."

"That's because, for the first time in years, I'm letting myself feel. What I feel most is a need not to lie to you anymore. Mom, I was in Hell forty years, their time, just four months up here. For thirty of those forty, I was tortured by a demon called Alistair. He gave me the choice, every day, to face torture again or to pick up the implements and torture someone else. I said no for thirty years."

"But then you said yes?"

"Yes. Trust me, you can't be more disappointed in me than I was."

"You held out for thirty years." she said.

"I gave in." he said, "I became a torturer. Dad never did."

"How was your father in Hell?" she said.

"Same way I was, a demon deal."

"John made a demon deal?" she said.

"Yeah. His life, his soul and the Colt, in exchange for my life. I was dying. He saved me. It's why Hell needed me, Dad would not break. Then he escaped. Dad broke out of Hell."

She smiled, tears glittering in her eyes. "That sounds like John. He always said he'd die for either of you."

"When I found out what he'd done, it destroyed me. I never intended to be the reason he died. Mom, I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault, Dean. What do you mean, Hell needed you?"

"There were seals that had to be broken to release Lucifer. The first was for a righteous man to shed blood in Hell. So the first time I tortured someone, I not only killed the righteous man I had thought I was, but I started the apocalypse."

"We've all had days like that." she said.

He stopped walking. She was smiling. She suddenly hugged him. "Dean, I gave your brother to Azazel and didn't even know it. We've all done things that had repercussions we couldn't see at the time."

"I started the apocalypse." he said, but he didn't pull away.

"But didn't you and Sam also stop it?" she said, releasing him from the hug.

"At a very high price." said Dean, "Sam went to Hell, stuck in a cage with two angry archangels."

"What happened to you?"

"I tried to play at being normal. It didn't work out. It never does." he said.

"How normal?" she said.

"I was with someone, for a while. She deserved better."

"Did you love her?"

"I cared deeply for her. I wanted to love her. She had a son and I loved him like he was my own."

"I'm never going to be a grandmother, am I?" she said.

"Don't give up on Sam. He's going to have a family one day. Cas and I are working on making the bunker a safe place so he can."

"But you don't want a family?"

"I don't want to inflict the family curse on anyone else." said Dean.

"You mean my deal with Azazel and all its consequences?"

"No, other side of the family. I'm the destined vessel for Michael. I've always said no to him and now he's insane and in a cage, so all is well, but if he ever got out, or if Michael from the other world, or any other other world came here, there could be trouble. I mean, for the other Michaels, I'm probably not a suitable vessel, but cage Michael, if he ever got out, might come looking for me."

"But you'd have to say yes."

"The family curse is that it's in our bloodline. I can keep saying no forever, and I will. Nothing would ever make me say yes. But I don't want my kids or grandkids to be put under the kind of pressure I was."

"So, if I want grandchildren, I need to find a way to repel archangels from all realities from them?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Doable." she said.

He laughed and started walking again. "I can't promise anything, even then. I'm kinda broken. Sam, though, he has to have kids. So much love in him, so much kindness and he barely sleeps, so he's in training for dad duty."

"But there's no-one special for him either?"

"He's had a lot of bad luck. There's someone out there for him. There has to be."

She took his arm. "I'm not giving up on you either, but no pressure on either of you, ever. All I care about is that you're happy. Not that either of you are happy, right now."

"No, we're not, but we will be, maybe. Mom, we have you and that makes even the saddest day a lot brighter. Without you, it felt like half of me was missing. The good half."

"You're all good." she said, "You always were. I used to wonder where you got all your kindness and generosity from."

"That doesn't sound much like me." he said.

"I wonder how well anyone knows himself." she said.

"Look, about the books ..."

"If you don't want me to read them, I'll forget they ever existed."

"No, let's compromise. As I said, if it were you or Sam keeping secrets from me, I'd hate it too. I don't need to protect you ... No, that's not true. I have a powerful need to protect you and Sam and Jack and even Cas, for some reason, although he's a frickin' angel, but I have no right to and you don't need to be protected. If you want to read the books, read them, but skip over the sex scenes and the self-pity and don't leave them where our alternate Earth folk can find them. Is that fair?"

"More than fair." said Mary.

"There's also something else you should read." he said. He found the Winchester Pact on his phone. It's just a thing we came up with. Sam's idea."

She stopped to read it. After a long silence, she looked up at him. "That's beautiful."

"It seems to work. I mean, I'm not claiming I stick to it perfectly ... "

"It says you won't. It says you'll all forgive lapses."

"Yeah and they both do. It's why we are where we are, but I know we still have a long road to travel."

"I'm proud of you." she said.

"I hope you still will be after reading those books."

"Dean, I'm proud of the man here with me. No character in a book is ever going to change that."

"The books are horrifyingly accurate." said Dean, "In letting you read them, I am laying my life and Sam's wide open. Judge us kindly. Sam, at least, only ever tried to do the right thing."

"Do you really think I have any right to judge either of you, with my long list of mistakes?" she said.

"And if you need to talk about any of it, come to me and we can talk." he said.

"And if you ever need to talk about anything, come to me." she said, "I need not to be protected. I need to be a part of your lives."

He shook her hand. "Deal. At least we seem to be ditching one family curse."

She smiled. "Does it feel better or worse, now I'm not in some bubble in your mind?"

"It's a little terrifying, but ultimately, for the best. We're family. We should share this stuff. I just never wanted you to be hurt by it."

"Dean, there's something you need to understand. When you're in pain, I'm hurt by it, whether or not I know the details."


	21. Chapter 21

Sam looked at Castiel, who had been staring at him for some time, waiting for him to speak. He had no idea what he was supposed to say. He wished he knew anything that might deflect Cas's attention away from him.

"I should go." he said, "I have work to do." He sat up.

"The only work that matters is right here." said Cas.

"I don't know what you want." he said.

"How about a little experiment? You know what I said about Dean needing a different perspective? So do you."

"I'm not reading those books, any of them." said Sam.

"I won't ask you to. Dean needs the external perspective, you don't. You need something else. Tell me, Sam, what do you most want to tell Dean and have him believe?"

"That he's good. That he never did anything with evil intentions. That even as a demon, he was better than most humans. He thinks he's beyond saving. I don't think he ever fell."

"Now, what would he say to you if he were here?"

"I don't know." said Sam.

"Yes, you do." said Cas, "What would Dean say if you told him everything is your fault for not killing Jake?"

"He'd say I should have killed Jake." said Sam.

"Would he?"

"Yes, because I should."

Cas frowned. "Sam, I don't believe this stuff, you don't believe this stuff. Why are you wasting time with it? Is it really easier than admitting that Dean, if he knew what you were going through would yell at you that none of it is your fault?"

"He went to Hell for me!" said Sam.

"Yes, by his choice."

"If he'd left me dead ... "

"According to the book, he stopped living when you did. If he hadn't found a way to bring you back, there would be nothing left of Dean now."

Sam stood. "Dean was tortured because of me!"

"Dean chose torture because life without you would have been worse."

"He was without me in Hell." said Sam.

"But you were alive and safe. He considered that worth the sacrifice of his life."

"Only because he didn't value his life." said Sam. He tried the door. "Unlock the damn door!"

"You want to go out there, now?" said Cas.

Sam thought about it. He must look pretty bad. "I can't talk about this."

"Why not?" said Cas.

"Dean died and went to Hell and he came back thinking he was a monster."

"You just said he didn't value his life before." said Cas.

"He didn't, but he didn't hate himself like he does now." said Sam, "That's on me. That's what I did to the only person in the world who ever gave a damn about me."

"I can think of others, three of them in this bunker." said Cas. He stood and walked over to Sam, before gently steering him away from the door.

"He hates himself." said Sam, "He talks about himself like he's nothing. He says he's beyond saving. I did that to him and I can't find a way to fix it and if I can't help him, I can never put right what I did to him and nothing else matters."

Cas nodded. "I feel the same way."

"How? None of it's your fault." said Sam.

"It's not yours either, but it feels like it is, doesn't it?" said Cas.

"He doesn't care if he lives or dies." said Sam.

"That's changing. We're going to change it." said Cas, "But it's no good trying to save him if we then lose you."

"I've spent years watching my brother try to get himself killed and knowing that he's all messed up because of me." said Sam.

"You don't think your father is a little to blame?" said Cas.

"Maybe, a little, but by now, his influence should be gone. I've been right beside Dean all these years."

"Yes, you have." said Cas, "And that's why he isn't dead or out of his mind."

"I'm not enough." said Sam, "I can't make him see himself as anything but corrupted. I don't think he even hears me anymore." He sat on the edge of the bed. "I want my brother back!"

Cas sat beside him. "I know."

"If he'd left me dead ... "

He felt an arm around his shoulder. "If he'd left you dead, he'd be dead by now and so would most of the world."

"Dean doesn't deserve this pain and guilt."

"Neither do you." said Cas.

"If I could go back, I'd change everything." said Sam.

"Then I'm very glad you can't. Sometimes, terrible things need to happen."

"Maybe, but none of them should happen to someone who has never had a selfish thought in his head. I could live with all the other stuff. I could accept all kinds of evil things happening to good people, even to Dean, but he hates himself. He looks in the mirror and just thinks he is worthless. I don't know how to fight that. I don't know where to begin and when I try to argue with it, he just looks at me sadly and says what I think of him isn't real. He thinks I'm just a kid, idolising a fantasy."

"I promise, Sam, we'll find a way to help him, but you're also confused and delusional about your own worth."

"Maybe. I don't care. Only Dean matters. You know the worst part?"

"That this thing is so firmly fixed in the Winchester DNA that every single one of you is constantly seeking to die for the others?"

"No, that Dean is strong and every tiny drop of that strength is fighting against me because he wants me to just leave him to it."

"Well, if it helps, I'm not so sure about that. I think he's trying to fight for, not against himself now. So if you'll do the same, we many finally get somewhere."

Sam groaned. "I'm so tired. I can't remember a time when I wasn't tired!"

"That, I can help with." said Cas. At his touch, Sam let go of consciousness.


	22. Chapter 22

As soon as Cas entered the library, Jack said, "Where's Sam?"

"Sleeping." said Cas, "Don't disturb him. He needs some rest. Where's Dean?"

"Just got back with Mary."

"From where?"

"Just a walk." said Jack, "Is something wrong?"

"No, that sounds like good news." said Cas, "Where are they now?"

"Kitchen." said Jack.

"Let's go and see if it is good news." said Cas.

"You don't want me to stay out of the way?" said Jack.

"No, not this time." said Cas, "We can't have a full family meeting without Sam, but at least the rest of us will be singing in the same karaoke." He turned back at the doorway. "Metaphor. I don't sing, ever."

In the kitchen, Dean was pouring coffee for himself and Mary. He saw Cas and Jack and smiled. "Come in and have some coffee. We just had a great walk and we talked and I stopped lying to my mother. Where's Sam? I need to tell him."

"Sam's getting some rest." said Cas, "He's been doing too much." 

"I keep telling him that." said Dean.

"So what did you stop lying to your mother about?" said Cas.

"The books, Hell, life, death, Dad and everything else." said Dean.

"I'm impressed." said Cas.

"I've said Mom can read the books."

"Pity you had to go and burn them." said Cas.

"I didn't burn Scarecrow." said Dean, "I was saving that for Sam to burn." Cas noted with interest that Dean was still pretending to have destroyed All Hell Breaks Loose.

"She's already read that one." said Cas.

"What books are we talking about?" said Jack.

"Books about us." said Dean, "Which I suppose you can also now read."

"I'd rather just hear the stories from you." said Jack, "I love it when you tell me stories."

Dean smiled. "Okay. We'll keep on telling you."

"This is great," said Mary, "All of us talking freely together."

"Yeah, let's just hope Sam thinks it's great." said Dean, "I didn't exactly get a chance to clear any of this with him."

"Anything that makes you happy will please Sam." said Cas.

"I hope so." said Dean, "I'd hate him to think I did this without considering him. I didn't. I just needed to make things right with Mom."

"He'll be glad you did that." said Cas, "I don't know anyone as selfless as Sam."

"Is there something we should know about Sam?" said Dean, "And obviously, if the answer to that is, 'Yes, but Sam doesn't want you to know.' You can say no."

"Sam needs some sleep and he needs his family." said Cas.

"Well, that sounds worrying." said Dean.

"He was very worried about you, earlier, Dean." said Mary, "Maybe he'll be happier when he knows you and I have really talked."

"Yes, that's going to help." said Cas.

"He's always working." said Jack, "He cleaned everything in the armoury, I think."

"He cleaned the weapons?" said Dean, "I don't like that. When Sam throws himself into practical stuff, it's because he wants a distraction from other stuff. I think I need to talk to him."

Cas stepped in front of him. "No, Dean, leave it for now. Sleep will do him good. I'll take him some food later. You should all leave him in peace until the morning. Then, handle with care."

"You're not reassuring me much." said Dean.

"I think, if you talk to him tomorrow, it will go well."

"All of us, or just Dean?" said Mary.

"Just Dean. Dean can take him breakfast. It's Dean he needs most."

"It's the books, isn't it?" said Dean.

"They've brought up some issues." said Cas, trying not to say more than Sam would want but wishing he could just tell Dean to go to his brother and hug him and tell him no blame attached to him at all.

Dean smiled at all of them. "Relax. I know how to handle this. Sam thinks too much, all the time. It's what comes of having a brilliant mind, it never stops whirring. He overthinks everything and in his head, there's a loop replaying every mistake he ever made. From time to time, he just gets locked into that loop and he gets depressed. He just needs a bit of TLC. He needs his big brother."

"That's exactly what he needs." said Cas. He and Dean exchanged a look of understanding and relief. He could not tell Dean everything, but he had forgotten how little information Dean needed to understand the brother he had practically raised himself. The labyrinthine patterns of Sam's troubled mind were familiar territory to Dean.

"I'll take care of it." said Dean, "The kid just needs some love."

"That kid is a grown man." said Mary.

"Yeah, he's definitely grown, but there's a kid in there. I'll talk to him tomorrow, tell him I've talked to Mom and everything's great and maybe get him to tell me what's on his mind."

"I think that would be very good for both of you." said Cas.

"But tonight, he's in your care, right? You'll watch over him?"

"Yes." said Cas.

Dean nodded. "Good. There's no-one I trust more."


	23. Chapter 23

Dean woke his brother very gently. "Hey, Sammy, I brought you breakfast." He put the tray on the floor beside the bed.

Sam sat up, looking tired and confused. 

"It's okay," said Dean, "Mom sent all the outsiders on supply runs. they'll be out all morning. The bunker is family only today."

"Dean, I'm so sorry." said Sam.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for." said Dean, "Cas told us you needed some rest and might need us. Well, I'm here, brother. I'll always be here when you need me."

"I'm sorry about Hell." said Sam, "I never should've let you go there."

"Hey, it's fine. You just had some bad dreams. It's those books, isn't it? They made you think about things you try not to think about. They did the same to me."

Sam was shaking his head. "Dean, I mean it. I'm so, so sorry. I feel like I'm losing my mind."

Dean helped him to sit up. "Good, good." he said, "It's okay."

"What do you mean, good? Dean, my head is a mess."

"That's how it was for me at the start, too." said Dean, "When I first started confronting stuff. It gets easier. At first, though, it makes you feel crazy, but you're not crazy, you're just overwhelmed."

"You didn't destroy that book." said Sam.

Dean felt suddenly exposed and afraid. Sam had been through his things and knew he had read the damn book. Possible responses started with angry ones in his head, but both fury and fear fell away as his brother looked at him with the same lost look he'd had as a kid, whenever he needed reassurance.

"Cas told me to read it, so I read it." he said, "And I cried like a baby the whole damn night and I don't even know who I was crying for."

"And then you lied to Cas, you lied to me." said Sam.

"Yeah, I didn't know how to tell you I read it without telling you the rest." said Dean.

"And you were afraid to tell me you'd cried?"

"I was afraid you'd ask me why and I wouldn't know. That stuff always scares me. I'm not as strong as you."

"I look strong to you?" said Sam, "I was gonna use the fact you'd been reminded of what I did to make you angry with me instead of yourself. Couldn't even do that, just blurted out about the book."

"How would that work anyway?" said Dean, "What is it you think you did?"

"I didn't kill Jake." said Sam, as if confessing to a terrible weakness.

"Yeah, you did. I remember you doing it. Several shots, right in his smug face."

"That was later. I died because I couldn't kill him. And if I hadn't died, you wouldn't have made the deal and you wouldn't have gone to Hell and ... "

"Yeah, shut up for a second. You died because that coward stabbed you in the back."

"Which he couldn't have done if I had killed him just before that, when I had the opportunity to do so."

"He was human. Okay, he had super powers, but so did you at the time. He was human and you couldn't kill him because you're not a murderer. You showed him mercy. You had no reason to assume he would kill you after that." Dean cupped his brother's cheek in his hand and said, "Listen, Sammy, none of that was on you, none of it." He brushed Sam's hair out of his eyes, then put the pillows behind his back.

"If I hadn't died stupidly, you'd never have made that deal." said Sam.

"The stupidity of your death was not a factor." said Dean, "However you'd died, I would have made the deal. I'd make the same deal again today, if I had to. Hell wanted that deal. Lilith wanted that deal. She would have found a way to force me to make it."

"Cas says it would always have been my death."

"Yeah, what else would matter to me?"

"Whatever else you say. I'm the reason you ended up in Hell." said Sam.

"No. I am. I made the choice with my eyes wide open. My soul for your life. You called my decision selfish, at the time."

"Yeah, I was an ass." said Sam.

"True, but you were also right. I did what I did because my life without you would be worthless to me. You know what I see in my nightmares? A gravestone with your name on it. That's still the dream that scares me most, losing you. And I don't care how weak and stupid and pathetic that sounds. I'd give my soul a thousand times for one more day of life for you. I just would. I regret so many things, but bringing you back? Never."

"You must be worried." said Sam, "You haven't made any jokes about me being in Cas's bed."

Dean grinned. "Yeah, you did kinda hand me that one on a plate. Don't worry. I'll mock you plenty later. Seriously, though, I'm glad he had the sense to get you somewhere peaceful and let you rest. You need to take better care of yourself."

"A lecture on self-care from the one who drinks himself into oblivion."

"I wish! Oblivion generally isn't on the menu, these days. I'm not saying I'm a great example, but you're the one with the brain."

"Don't say that. Only you think I'm cleverer than you."

"So you think I'm cleverer than you?"

"Yes, I do." said Sam.

"Good. Then, I must be right, right?"

"No."

"Just say right. I'm training Jack to do that too."

"I'm not Jack."

"I'd begun to suspect as much." said Dean. He put the tray onto the bed. "You've got eggs, toast, orange juice, all kinds of good things, because I am an awesome brother."

"You are." said Sam.

"By the way, you're gonna be pissed, but I talked to Mom and told her she can read the books, all of them."

"Oh." said Sam.

"Just oh?"

"I'm glad you and Mom finally talked, a little surprised you gave her permission. She's gonna find out everything. Ruby, Lisa, Adam."

"Yeah, well, I figure we probably insult her a bit by assuming she can't handle it and this is Mom. She won't stop loving us just because we made mistakes."

"I think it's easier for you, since you weren't the one that made them." said Sam.

"I made mistakes. I made many, many, really dumb mistakes."

"Yeah, but not on the same level as trusting Ruby, drinking demon blood ... "

"Hey! Stop that, Sammy. If you want me to tell her any books are off-limits or even to say I've changed my mind ... "

"No, I don't." said Sam, "You're right, we have no right to tell her she can't read them. Total strangers have read them. The blood thing isn't in the books. We just have to make sure she doesn't work that out from anything we say. The Adam stuff, though ... "

"I thought about that. I'll keep track of how fast she's getting through them and then, at an appropriate time, before she reads about him, I'll gently explain to her about Adam."

"Good. I know Dad wasn't technically unfaithful, with her being long dead at the time, but it'll still hurt."

"I'll take care of it, I promise."

"Dean, the only stupid thing you ever did was that demon deal." said Sam.

"That was the best decision of my life, even if it was also the dumbest. Eat your breakfast. When you're ready, we'll all be in the library. Cas didn't give us details. He just said you needed rest and your family."

"Dean, thanks for breakfast and for everything. Thanks for talking to Mom."

"What's the point of having her here if we hide stuff from her? We'll all talk later, when you're ready."

"I still did actually cause you to go to Hell." said Sam.

"No, that was me." said Dean, "Now shut up and eat."


	24. Chapter 24

Sam took his time over breakfast and then had a long shower. A lot had changed and he had only vague memories of the night and none of them felt good. He wanted the kind of openness Dean had been talking about. but he wasn't sure any of them could really handle it. He was afraid to go to what sounded like a fairly intense family meeting when he knew that everyone there must have some idea that he had been a complete wreck overnight.

Nevertheless, he felt he had to go and face them. He got dressed and went to the library. His mother immediately gestured to the empty chair to her right. Dean sat to her left. "Sit with me, Sam." she said.

He did. Dean smiled at him. He tried to smile back. He looked at Cas, opposite him. Jack sat opposite Mary. "Good morning, everyone." he said.

"How are you feeling?" said Mary.

"Good." he said, "I'm good. Yeah, good."

"Anything he says three times must be true." said Dean with a roll of his eyes.

Sam was still looking at Cas. "Cas, I don't remember falling asleep last night." he said.

"Do you usually remember falling asleep?" said Cas.

"Not really, but I mean my night went from saying I was tired to waking up when you brought me supper and then I remember Dean waking me for breakfast."

"You zapped him without asking?" said Dean to Cas.

"Twice, I think." said Sam.

"He said he was tired. He was exhausted. To be honest, I didn't think he was capable of giving a meaningful answer. He needed sleep and I was afraid that, if he wasn't asleep, he might not be there when I got back."

Sam thought about it. "You thought I'd run out on all of you?"

"I considered it a significant risk." said Cas, "I'm sorry if I did the wrong thing. I had no intention of infringing your free will. I simply thought you were beyond the capacity to make a decision."

Sam nodded.

  
"The hunters called in from Killeen." said his mother, "All's well and they are closing in on their suspect."

Sam nodded again.

"Oh," said Dean, "Everyone should know, I showed Mom the Pact."

"What's the Pact?" said Jack.

Dean fiddled with his phone and then slid it across the table. "This is." he said, "I know I should have spoken to you two first, but the moment just seemed right." 

"I thought we should tell her about it from the start." said Sam.

"Good. Cas?"

"I see no need for secrecy about it." said Cas.

Sam looked at Dean. He could see the conflict on his face, the guilt about lying to Cas and the fear that if he told the truth, they would all see him as weak or damaged or insane. "Stull Cemetery." he mouthed silently.

Dean gave the smallest of nods and said, "Look, I didn't destroy All Hell Breaks Loose. I didn't burn it. I kept it and I read it and ... " He looked at Sam, a plea in his eyes. Sam nodded. "And it got to me. I don't know why, it just did and I was out of action for the night."

"Same happened to me, just thinking about that book." said Sam, "So much I've been trying to forget just took over my head for a wild party. I wasn't sane last night. I wasn't me and for that, I apologise."

"You have nothing to apologise for." said Dean.

"Absolutely not." said Mary. She took Sam's hand and for a moment, he was too moved to speak. It was something he would never take for granted, the feel of her loving touch, her hand holding his, giving him the maternal comfort he had not experienced enough to remember in all the long, motherless years. He squeezed her hand in thanks.

"We all know that you carry a greater burden than the rest of us." said Cas, "You have taken responsibility for our friends from Apocalypse World and you put more energy into that than you actually possess. When it's a choice between taking care of yourself and serving others, your own wellbeing is never your priority and we admire that as much as we hate it."

"You work so hard and do so much and sometimes you need to learn to delegate a little." said Dean, "I know I'm not you, but I can man a phone or teach some hunting tricks. So can Mom."

"And I can keep inventory." said Cas.

"And I can clean weapons." said Jack, "If you show me once."

"Although, that would remove a lot of the displacement activity you use to avoid facing the dark stuff." said Dean.

"Which you never do?" said Sam.

"Which I do all the time." said Dean, "Which is why I see it so clearly when you do it. We're both trying to change, but it's hard. Sometimes we both need to back away from what feels like the brink of madness, but we keep trying to fight it alone and we don't need to. We have Cas. We have Mom. We have each other."

"You have me." said Jack.

"We have Jack," said Dean, "And Jack wants to hear our stories, so we can tell him stories."

"Not the Hell stuff." said Sam, "Jack's an innocent. I'm not filling his head with that crap."

"Fine, we save the Hell stuff for Mom, Cas and each other." said Dean.

"You really want Mom to hear it?" said Sam.

"No, I don't want to even think it. I don't even want it in my head." said Dean, "But we've tried burying it and that didn't work, so it's time for Plan B. Mom, you should know, when Cas and I took off for a few days, we went to a cabin and talked about Hell."

"Did it help?" said Mary and Sam felt her squeeze his hand. He gently squeezed hers, knowing how the thought of either of them in pain wounded her.

Dean looked at Cas, then at Sam. "Yeah, I really think it did. It hurt, a lot, but here I am, able to be honest with you and I don't think I could have done that if I hadn't first been honest with Cas."

"You still lied about the book." said Cas.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I did. This whole honesty thing, it's a work in progress."

Mary took his hand too. "I'm proud of you both. I'm proud of all of you."

"I've done nothing." said Jack.

"No, kid." said Dean, "Don't ever say that. You've accepted the limits we placed on discussion of all this. You've given us all your unconditional support."

"We love you, Jack." said Cas.

"We love you too, Castiel." said Mary.

"I still feel like I'm one step away from madness." said Sam.

"Yeah, me too, a lot of the time." said Dean.

"At some point, I have to get control of this." said Sam.

"Not alone." said Dean, "I know we can do this."

"You do? Because I'm not sure."

"Together, we can do anything." said Cas.

"Just tell us what you need and we'll make sure you get it." said Mary, "And if you need Bobby and me to look after our friends, we can do that."

"I think Sam needs to meet Sarah." said Dean, "Jack should too."

"What do you need?" said Sam, "Because you weren't feeling great two nights ago."

"You both think about it and let us know." said Mary, "The Winchesters are going to work together on this."

"Am I a Winchester?" said Jack.

"Yes, you are, Jack." said Mary, "Whatever happens, you're stuck with us."

He grinned. "Good!"


	25. Chapter 25

Sam went to fetch coffee from the kitchen for everyone. Dean followed him out, his offer to carry some an obvious excuse, but welcome anyway. "You okay, little brother?" he said as they waited for the coffee to be ready.

"Yeah, I think so." said Sam, "You?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah. This feels weird, but good. Look, I know Cas messed up with the free range zappery, but he just wanted to protect you. I've been screwing up because I wanted to protect you for years. I know where he was coming from."

"Don't worry. I think he was right to do it. He should have asked, but it might be better that he didn't. I don't know if I would have said yes. It just sparked off control issues. My problem, not his."

"Yeah, well, the whole point of this morning is that we're sharing all our problems now." said Dean.

"I know, but in a positive way, not in a blame-spreading way" Sam thought about how much he had wanted to just be out of it all the night before. "Do you ever want to just get in the Impala and drive away?" he said.

"Sometimes." Dean admitted, "But you'd better not get that urge. Baby is mine."

Sam smiled. "I wouldn't take the Impala." he said, "I like my kneecaps in their traditional location. Cas was right to worry. Sometimes, I feel a need to just run, to get away." he saw the look on Dean's face and said, "Not away from you, or anyone, just away."

"A distinction I didn't hear for years." said Dean.

"What do you mean?" said Sam, worried that he had hurt his brother.

"I mean it took a very long time to understand that running away and running from me were not the same thing. I was insecure. I know how you feel. You've got so much on your mind and people around you who look at you like you're meant to fix everything right away and when you can't, you feel their disappointment and you hate that you failed them."

"Is that how you feel about me?" said Sam, "That I expect too much?"

"No!" said Dean, "And they don't either. If you said to them, 'Today, I need a rest.' they would back off. But it's hard to say that, harder still to justify it to yourself when it feels like letting people down."

"You never say it to me." said Sam.

"No, like I said, it's hard to say and usually, I don't need to say it."

"When you do, just say it. I'll back off too." said Sam, "You try to be superhuman and you are."

"Yes, I am." said Dean.

"But you don't need to be, not for me. After all these years, there's not a thing you have to prove."

"Okay, but the same goes for you. Needing sleep or a day off is not a crime and it's not a weakness. I have enough trouble dealing with an angel who claims to be fine until he's a burnt out wreck."

"That's another reason why I'm not angry with him. Last night, he was struggling as much as I was. Our pain gets to him a lot more than he will admit, Pact or no Pact."

"I know." said Dean, "That's one reason why I want to go back to Sarah soon. When Cas is there, he's just different."

"Different how?"

"Relaxed, borderline happy. Sarah looks after him better than we do. He has a room there."

"He has a room here." said Sam.

"Yeah and he agreed to make it more like home. Know what he's added? One chair."

"We need to help him with that." said Sam, "He just doesn't know what else to add."

"It's so weird, watching him with the bees. It's like they dance around him, fascinated."

"I wonder what they'd make of Jack." said Sam.

"That would be an interesting experiment." said Dean.

Sam started pouring the coffees. "Those books ... "

"I've told Mom she can talk to me about them." said Dean quickly, "I know you don't want to talk about the stuff in there."

"Do you?" said Sam, "If reading one messed you up so badly ... "

"Your death is never not gonna mess me up." said Dean.

"Cas has read all the books."

"I know. Makes you feel naked, doesn't it?"

"A little bit, yeah. We could let him field any questions." said Sam.

"I can handle it." said Dean.

"Or we could all do it. All talk about the books together."

"That would be the weirdest book club in history." said Dean, "Just thinking about the books got to you last night."

"You know what helped? Talking to you and to Cas."

"You blame yourself for stuff that was never your fault, you brood on things you should forget. You are your own worst enemy."

"I can't imagine where I picked up those bad habits." said Sam.

"If you want us to talk as a family, that's what we'll do, but I won't ask it of you. Not those books."

Their mother came in. "I thought I'd help carry the coffee." she said, "What were you saying about the books?"

"Nothing much," said Dean, "Just bear in mind when you read them, we've both grown up a lot since then. In places, I may seem kind of a whiny brat."

"And I'm worse." said Sam.

"Also, you may be disappointed in my ... " Dean began.

"No I won't." said Mary.

"I had a pretty wild youth."

"I'll never be disappointed in either of you." she said.


	26. Chapter 26

Back in the library again, Sam said, "I've been saying I won't read the books. I've been planning not to think about them."

"Stick with that." said Dean, "I'll handle the book stuff."

"No, if Mom wants me to talk about the books with her, even read them with her, I will."

"You don't have to do that, Sam." said Mary.

"I can do that." said Dean, "And Cas has already read them, so he can too."

"I've also found them online for Mary." said Cas, "Dean, could I ask you something?"

"Yes, you could." said Dean.

"Why did you keep the book? I understand why you didn't tell me you'd read it, but why keep it?"

"Is that really relevant?" said Dean.

"Do you want me to answer that one?" said Sam.

Dean nodded. "If you can."

"There's only one reason that makes sense. Dean kept the book because he intended to read it again, because although reading it hurt, it also helped." 

Dean's sudden intake of breath told him he was on the right track.

"You said burning it was cathartic." said Cas, "Did you mean to say that reading it was?"

"No, I did not intend ever to say that." said Dean.

"But you don't say it isn't true." said Sam.

"This is feeling a little too much like a trial." said Dean.

"Sorry. Withdrawn." said Sam, hoping the joke would relieve the tension.

Dean nodded and smiled, but his eyes seemed guarded and distant.

"I hoped that reading it might help you see things from another angle." said Cas, "The Dean Winchester in the book is very different to the man you have described to me."

"That's because Carver Edlund is a crap writer." said Dean.

"He's not that bad a writer." said Mary, "In Scarecrow, I recognised both of you."

"Cas thought it would help." said Sam, "I think it did. Maybe you needed to feel those feelings, because pushing them down hasn't diminished them at all, has it? And maybe I should read the books and see if I also need to face some feelings I've been avoiding."

"Last night, just thinking about the books had you all spun out." said Dean.

"I know." said Sam.

"The truth is, you don't know what you want to do, what will hurt, what will heal." Dean hesitated for a moment, then said, "And neither do I."

"So we need to try, maybe." said Sam.

"I think we can all agree that the first book, Supernatural, is relatively harmless." said Cas, "Although Mary might like to skip the prologue."

"Uh-uh." she said, "My boys are not doing this alone. I know what happened in Sam's nursery. I can read about it."

"Wendigo is fine too." said Dean, "Most of the early books are not a problem. We can go through them one at a time. If they get to be too much for either of us, we can back out."

"Or we could go straight for the important ones, In My Time Of Dying, for example." said Cas.

Sam saw the quick, involuntary shake of the head that was Dean's only response to that. 

"What happens in that one?" said Mary.

"I'm sorry, Mary," said Cas, "That's the one in which John dies."

"Selling his soul for Dean?"

"Yes." said Cas.

"I think I need to read that." said Mary, "I'm not sure Dean should."

Cas turned to Dean, "Do you want to read it with me, privately?"

Dean didn't answer. He stared at the table in front of him.

"Dean?" said Cas.

"You can't do this, can you?" said Sam, "You never did come to terms with Dad's death."

"Of course I did." said Dean, "After he got out of Hell, I was fine."

"Tell me the story." said Jack quietly, "Don't read the book, at least not yet. Tell me, in your own words, how he died and how he escaped Hell."

"That's a good idea." said Cas.

"No." said Dean, "I'm not a great storyteller. Sam can tell you, or Cas." He stood up. "I just need to ... I should ... I left my phone in the car." He left the room.

"Sorry." said Jack.

"Not your fault." said Cas, "I'll go and bring him back. Sam, you stay here. You too, Jack. Dean's okay."

"Dean doesn't seem okay." said Mary.

"Both the fact of his father's death and the reason for it have always caused him pain." said Cas, "He left because he doesn't want to fall apart around witnesses. He hasn't left the bunker and that, believe it or not, is an improvement. I'll get him, Mary, you look after these two."


	27. Chapter 27

  
Cas caught up with Dean as he reached the car. Dean immediately turned to face him. "No need for angelic supervision," he said, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Your phone is in your pocket." said Cas.

"Anyone can make a mistake." said Dean, "Let's go back to the others."

"In a minute." said Cas.

"Come on, you only came here to take me back." said Dean.

"Yes, but I can wait. So can they. You left for a reason."

"I left to get my phone."

"You never talk about your father's death."

"You never talk about your father's desertion." said Dean.

"Not often." Cas admitted, "It's a painful subject."

Dean sighed. "Those books are full of painful subjects. I'm not the right person to do this, but if I don't do it, Sam has to."

"I think Sam is ready to face it." said Cas.

"No, he's not. You think I didn't handle Dad's death well? Sam didn't handle it at all. How's he going to be able to talk about it to Mom?"

"Forget the books for now. Jack's idea was a good one. Talk to him about your father's death."

"Jack? Jack's a kid. Kids don't need to hear all that miserable crap."

Cas looked at Dean's evasive, uneasy eyes and remembered that Dean had been a child himself when his mother had died in a terrible way.

"Jack's more mature than you think and he wants to help." said Cas, "Besides, he has to hear it all sometime."

"Last night, you were worried about Sam." said Dean.

"I still am." said Cas.

"Good, so am I. So let's get back there and do whatever it takes to make Sam okay."

"Nothing about your father is simple, I know. There's grief, there's anger, there's a longing to see him again and a fear you'll never reach his high standards. Just hearing me talk about him, even in these general terms, your arms are tense and your shoulders must be almost painful."

"I'm fine." said Dean.

"Yes, of course, completely fine." said Cas.

"He died a long time ago."

"Yes, he did." said Cas.

"It wasn't even the first time someone died in place of me, although he was the first to do it voluntarily." said Dean. He smiled bitterly. "But you know that. You read all the books."

"Yes, I did." said Cas, "You're still angry about that, aren't you?"

"Not angry." said Dean, "I just feel like my life is public property."

"Yes, in a way, it is." said Cas, "But at least that means that you can share it with me, knowing I already know."

"I'm fine." said Dean again, the repeat of the lie more painful to Cas than a vicious rebuke would have been. "All this stuff happened years ago." he said, "You can get over anything, eventually."

"We both know it's not that easy." said Cas.

"Sam is in pain right now. He needs us." said Dean, "And that means he needs me not to be distracted by selfish, trivial, indulgent stupidity."

"Sam is trying to face his demons. Seeing you face yours could only help with that."

"Sam always got along a lot better with demons than I did." said Dean.

"You're in violation of the Winchester Pact." said Cas.

"Sue me." said Dean.

"You're lying about how you are and you're blaming Sam for mistakes in the past."

"Sam's not here. At most, it's a technical violation."

"Also a violation of our friendship, to lie to me like this." said Cas.

"I've done worse damage to our friendship." said Dean.

"I'm more worried about the damage you're doing to yourself." said Cas.

"I know you are." said Dean, "Have you ever considered that maybe I'm just stupid and will keep repeating the same mistakes forever?"

"Not really, but even if it's true, it doesn't mean I can or will give up on you."

"Give up on me, Cas. Sam is what matters."

"Promise me you'll talk to me or to Jack about your father." said Cas.

"Or what?" said Dean.

"Or nothing. I'm not blackmailing you. I'm asking you, as a favour to me, your friend."

For a moment, Dean seemed about to say something unkind, even contemptuous, but then, his expression changed and he said, "Cas, I don't deserve your friendship."

"You have it anyway," said Cas, "So make use of it."

"I ran away." said Dean.

"You're still in the bunker."

"You know I ran away." said Dean, "You all know I ran away."

"We're your family." said Cas, "It's already forgotten."


	28. Chapter 28

Sam was relieved to see Dean return to the library with Cas. "Hey." he said.

Dean nodded. "I'm sorry." he said, "Can we forget that just happened?"

Mary went over to him and led him back to his seat. "Dean, I'm not over his death either."

"None of us ever will be." said Sam, "And you were a lot closer to him than I was."

"He loved you." said Dean.

"Yeah, I know." said Sam, noticing that, in the midst of his own pain, Dean was still tying to lessen his brother's.

"He was proud of you." said Dean. He looked at Jack, "The others should be back soon. We'll take a drive and I'll tell you about my Dad, John Winchester. You probably won't believe half of it."

"If you say it, I'll believe it." said Jack.

"Kid, you are so naive." said Dean, but he was smiling.

"Dean's right that the others will soon return." said Cas, "We should be finished here before they do."

"I'd like to say something." said Mary.

"Please do." said Cas.

She looked at Dean and then at Sam and said, "Letting me read those books and being willing to talk to me about them, that means everything to me. I won't judge either of you about what's in the books and I'll try not to hurt you with questions that just bring up more pain."

"Thanks." said Sam, "And we'll try to be a lot more honest with you. We'll start treating you more like a Winchester and less like something breakable in a glass case."

"Winchesters break." said Dean quietly.

"Not easily," said Sam, "And when they do, we put 'em back together."

"Sam, could you print me a copy of the Pact?" said Mary, "I feel as if that tells me more about you than all the books put together."

"Of course." said Sam, "When Dean and Jack go out, maybe the three of us should go to your room and read In My Time Of Dying."

"Sammy ... " said Dean.

"I can handle it." said Sam, "And Mom needs to know what happened."

"I should be with both of you." said Dean, "I know I'm not exactly looking strong at the moment, but I don't want either of you going through that without me."

"We'll have Cas." said Sam.

"No-one loves Cas more than I do," said Dean, "But taking care of my family is my job, not his."

"I'm not taking care of your family," said Cas, "I'm taking care of mine. That includes you, by the way and I agree with Sam that there is no reason to make you read that book today. You talk to Jack, in your own words and your own way. I'll make sure Sam and Mary are okay."

"And who makes sure you're okay, after another day of dealing with human misery, Winchester misery at that?" said Dean.

"I do." said Sam, "You know I will."

"Unless you're a sobbing wreck." said Dean. Before Sam could respond, Dean said, "Sorry, bad choice of words. Stupid, anyway. Being a sobbing wreck has never stopped you from looking after the people you love."

"I'm sure there was a nice sentiment hidden in there somewhere." said Sam.

"There are reasons why I don't write for Hallmark." said Dean.

Sam smiled, glad to see Dean being himself again.

"We'll all look after each other." said Mary, "That's what family does. Well, that and make insane deals with demons to save each other's lives."

"I don't think most families do that." said Dean, "I think that's mostly just us."

"That's because we're the best." said Mary.

"That's one word for it." said Dean, "I can think of others."

"I like Mary's." said Cas.

"Me too." said Sam, "Alright, so we make some questionable decisions, but at least we make a decision. We don't just drift in the sewer fate drops us into. We find a way out and sometimes it leads to somewhere worse, but we keep moving and as long as we keep moving, there's hope."

"Team Free Will." said Jack.

"That's right, kid." said Dean, "We're not perfect and we're not always right and sometimes we screw up on a cosmic scale, but at least the mess we make is our own mess and the choices we screw up are our own screwed up choices. We are going to Hell in a customised handcart."

"No, Dean, we're going to Hell in a '67 Impala." said Sam.

Mary's phoned chirped. She checked it. "We'll have company in about twenty minutes. I suggest we grab lunch."

"Jack and I will leave right after." said Dean.

Mary kissed his cheek. "I love you." she said.

"I love you too." he said, "When you read that book, please remember, it was a bad time and things were thought and said that we didn't really mean. We loved Dad. We still love Dad. And we get why he did everything he did. He did his best."

"Still trying to protect me?" she said.

"Yeah, it's important to me." he said.

"He'd be so proud of you two." she said.

They stood up, ready to go to the kitchen and Dean hugged Mary. "Don't worry, Mom. It'll be fine."

"When you get back, I'll need to see you." she said, "We need to know you're okay."

"Yeah, of course." he said.

She turned to Sam and hugged him warmly. "And I'm not letting you out of my sight, Sam."

"Okay, Mom." he said.


	29. Chapter 29

In the Impala, driving fast, with Jack at his side, Dean felt a lot more comfortable. Weirdly, the child of Satan he had once been sure he would have to kill for the sake of the world was good company. He had a sense of humour and a lively curiosity and also a talent for knowing when not to speak, which Dean wished everyone else in his life could acquire.

In many ways, Jack reminded him of Cas, but in other ways, they were very different. Jack had the same innocence and awkwardness that made Cas both charming and irritating. He had a directness that Cas had never had. They rarely had to wonder what he was thinking, because he just said it. 

He also had a strong sense of responsibility. Dean had not forgotten that the kid was actively seeking ways to limit his powers, ways he intended to pass on to them, just in case he ever went darkside. Dean had a lot of respect for that attitude, although the fact that Jack felt that way made it seem unlikely that going darkside would ever be an issue.

Dean gave Jack a photo he had brought. "That's Sam and me with John Winchester, our father. One of the best hunters I ever knew. He got on the trail of something, it was as good as dead."

"What was he like?" said Jack.

"Strong. Hell didn't change him. He withstood a century of torture and he never gave in." Dean tried not to think of his own surrender after a mere thirty years. "He was clever too. I mean, he made innovations in hunting we're all still using. I think only Bobby made more. They both did amazing things with holy water."

"Other Bobby, right?" said Jack, "Not Bobby from Apocalypse World."

"Yeah, but not other Bobby, our Bobby."

"Aren't both our Bobby?" said Jack.

"Nobody ever said this life was easy."

Jack looked at the photo. "Who took this picture?"

"I don't know, Maybe Bobby, real Bobby. Oh, that sounds bad. All versions of Bobby are real, obviously."

"He looks happy there."

"Yeah, he does. I'm not about to pretend our childhood was perfect or that he was the best dad who ever lived, but there were happy times and there was love and when we were together and on good terms, it was great." Dean tried to focus on the road, which was unusually blurry.

"You look happy too." said Jack.

"All I ever wanted was to be with him and Sam. All I needed was my family."

"I feel the same way." said Jack, "Nothing is more important than family."

"He loved us. Everything he did, he did for us, even if sometimes, it was the wrong thing."

"Castiel says the worst thing about free will is that sometimes it explodes in your face and you can't blame anybody but yourself."

"He knows better than anyone how that feels." said Dean, "Always listen to Cas. He's very wise."

"He says the same about you."

"Okay, sometimes he's wise."

"So how did your father end up making a deal?" said Jack.

Dean felt his throat constrict. He hoped Sam was finding the subject easier to deal with, but he doubted it. When he spoke, his voice sounded wrong, weaker and less certain. "We were hunting the demon that killed Mom. His name was Azazel and if you take all the worst qualities of every demon you ever met and added them together, you'd get close to Azazel. We were almost killed when another demon drove a truck into Baby. She was almost destroyed. Never, ever let a demon near your car, Jack."

"I don't have a car." said Jack, "I don't really need one, as long as you have one."

"True, but we can get you one when I know you can drive it safely." said Dean.

"All three of you were in the crash?" said Jack.

"Yeah." said Dean, "Sam wasn't badly hurt, thank God and Dad was bashed up, but okay. I was ... well, I was dying. There was even a reaper waiting to take me. I was unconscious, out of my body, wandering around like a ghost. Technically, I was a ghost. I was fighting, but I didn't stand a chance. All I could think about was that I was leaving Sam and Dad to fight alone and I didn't want to do that. I planned to stay, even if I ended up as a vengeful spirit."

"I think you'd have lasted years." said Jack, "Maybe centuries. You have a strong will."

"You should take a look at my won't." said Dean, smiling. Jack's faith in him was touching, if not well-founded. "Sam wanted to find someone to help me." he said.

"Of course he did."

"Dad took a more insane route and summoned Azazel. He gave his own soul and the Colt in exchange for my life. Didn't get ten years, didn't even get one, like I did. Minutes to say his goodbyes and then he was gone." He struggled not to cry. He was a grown man, not a child and he didn't want Jack to think less of him. "When I worked out what must have happened, I was so angry with him. He threw away everything he ever cared about, his revenge, his life, his soul, everything."

"No, he saved the only thing he ever cared about, his family." said Jack, "He gave all he had to give you your life and Sam his brother."

Dean noticed that he was now driving dangerously fast. He deliberately slowed down to a more reasonable level of excessive speed. "It just felt like he ditched us again, leaving me to take care of Sammy and to somehow justify to myself and Sam why I should be alive instead of Dad."

"Well, the apocalypse must have helped with that." said Jack.

"You would think so, wouldn't you?" said Dean, "I killed Azazel. It took a while, but we got it done. Just before that, I sold my soul for Sam's life and I guess I understood Dad's decision a little better then, but I got a year and that was good, because I had time to prepare Sam to be alone and it was bad, because it gave me lots of time to think about what lay ahead."

"Which was Hell." said Jack.

"Which I'm not going to discuss with you. It doesn't belong in your head. I wish it wasn't in mine."

"So do I." said Jack, "Because you don't deserve it."

"Oh, kid, I deserve worse." said Dean.


	30. Chapter 30

Cas was reading the book aloud from the screen. Mary sat on the foot of her bed, Sam at the head and Cas at the desk. The lights were low, allowing shadows to offer some obscurity between the two humans, though Cas could see their expressions clearly and he saw how often Mary looked at her son and how rarely Sam's eyes moved at all. As usual, Sam was making an effort to conceal his pain. His face was impassive, but his hands, resting on his thighs, made small, involuntary movements. Going over the last arguments he had had with his father was clearly troubling him, but harder still was listening to every mention of Dean's fragile state of health.

Cas knew that Sam would rather be anywhere else, doing anything else than reliving one of the worst times of his long and often terrible life. he was doing it only for Mary and for Dean, so she would not have to face it alone and so Dean would not have to be the one to share it with her.

Mary, who was getting to know the boys very well now, was clearly struggling against the natural urge to move closer to Sam and try to offer him comfort. She knew as Cas did that he would not and could not accept it when they were listening to the story of how John had given his soul to save Dean. Cas found it hard to read, despite not having known John or experienced those desperate hours. John had not been an ideal parent, but there was no doubt, he had truly loved both his sons.

When they got to the part where Dean was talking to the reaper. begging her to let him stay, Sam's breathing changed. Both Cas and Mary noticed and Mary said to him, "Sam, do you want Castiel to stop reading?"

Sam shook his head. "I'm fine." he said.

"What is it, Sam?" said Cas.

"He forgot his talk with Tessa. He forgot all the out of body stuff after he woke up. Some of his memories came back after we met her again, but if he ever remembered what was actually said. he never told me. So I never knew until now how bad it was."

"What do you mean?" said Mary.

"Not one word about not wanting to die, about being afraid, about having something to live for. He begged her to let him live because otherwise, Dad and I would be fighting alone. I always thought he stopped caring about himself after this, because of this, but now it's pretty clear that he didn't want to live. He just didn't want to let us down."

"Maybe he used the argument he thought most likely to sway her." said Cas, not really believing it himself.

"He was tired." said Sam, "Tired of all the fights between Dad and me. He worked so hard to keep the family together and sometimes it must have seemed like we didn't care at all."

Mary gave up her pretence and moved over to sit beside him. She put her arm around his shoulder and said, "Don't blame yourself."

"I was such a brat." he said, gently pulling away from her. "I was always angry, mostly with Dad. Dean tried to keep the peace, tried to make us both see sense, but we clashed all the time. Dean was always caught in the middle. It broke his heart. It killed his spirit. I'm only just realising how completely."

"Sam ... " said Mary.

"Don't think I didn't love him, Mom. I did. I always loved Dad, even when I wanted to punch him. I was just a kid then, really. i didn't understand what Dad was going through. Sometimes, I thought he hated me. Now I know, everything he did, he did because he loved us both."

"He always loved you." said Mary.

"I wish I could just have five minutes with him and tell him I get it." said Sam, "Maybe he wasn't perfect, but he never stopped caring about us. Dean understood that. He tried to tell me, but I had to get angry and make all the fights worse."

"John wasn't always the easiest man to get along with." said Mary.

"I wish I'd tried harder. Dean used to plead with me not to argue with him all the time. He'd tell me, 'We're family. That should mean something.' And I never listened. I never understood. I was so stupid. But I never saw what it was doing to Dean. He didn't care about himself at all. Even then, he didn't want to live, he just wanted us not to be on our own."

"According to the book, Dean saw your refusal to give up on him when he believed his father had." said Cas, "And that seems to have helped him to fight to stay alive."

"Read what he said to Tessa." said Sam, "Not one word about himself."

"That doesn't mean he wanted to die." said Cas, wishing he could make Sam understand that Dean would always put other people first and would always argue first his usefulness to others he considered more worthy of consideration, not because he placed no value on his own life, but because he expected nobody else to value it, but in the privacy of his own mind, he wondered if that were true.

"We should take a break." said Mary.

"No, not for me." said Sam, "I'm fine, honestly."


	31. Chapter 31

"You know what bugs me about Dad's deal?" said Dean, looking briefly at Jack beside him, "He didn't make any other attempts to save me. Didn't call anyone for help, didn't try anything else. He went straight for a damn demon deal. It makes no sense."

"It makes sense to me." said Jack, "He had one thing he knew would work, so he did that. He didn't have time to waste on long shots. He didn't want to risk losing you."

"He guaranteed that I lost him." said Dean.

"I don't think he'd see it that way. To him, there was one certain way to save you and nothing else mattered. You'd do the same for Sam. So would I. You did do the same for Sam. Why didn't you look for some other way?"

Dean thought about it. "You're right." he said, "With Sam dead, I went for the only thing I could think of that could bring him back. I wasn't exactly trying out other options. I still wish Dad had considered other options. There might have been another way."

"But there wasn't a lot of time. The reaper was hanging around. If he'd hesitated, you'd be dead." said Jack, "I'm sorry that he had to make that choice, but I'm glad he saved you."

"I don't like the thought of Sam reading that book. It was a bad time for Sam. It'll only bring up a load of stuff that can only cause trouble. Sam and Dad, they weren't exactly on good terms at the time and afterwards, Sam had all this guilt about it."

"Like you do?" said Jack.

"No, like Sam does, always. His guilt is irrational. Worse, it's mainly my fault. I made him feel bad for every fight with Dad. I was so desperate to force him to end hostilities that it must have seemed like I thought he was always to blame. He wasn't. Hell, it was hardly ever him. I just thought he was the one who might see sense."

"You were trying to keep your family together." said Jack.

"If I'd thought Dad would die ... The truth is, I never really believed he could die. I didn't think Sam would have to live with that guilt forever. I hope he's okay." He thought about calling Sam, but it might make things worse.

"He's with Castiel and Mary." said Jack, "I'm sure they'll take care of him."

"You're right." said Dean, hoping he was.

"And Castiel says Sam is even stronger than you."

Dean scowled automatically, then remembered that his assessment was the same. "He's right." he said, "But that doesn't mean any of this is easy for him. He also feels things a lot more deeply. I have to admit, there are some big advantages to being this shallow."

Neither of them spoke for some time. Dean was aware of Jack looking at him, but Jack said nothing and whenever Dean turned to look at him, Jack's eyes darted to the window. Dean wasn't sure whether Jack agreed or disagreed that he was shallow, but something about the comment had clearly made him uncomfortable.

Just when Dean thought the conversation had died, Jack said, "So, how did your father escape from Hell?"

"I don't know the details," said Dean, "But we were there when a Devil's Gate got opened in Wyoming. We closed it as fast as we could, but for a brief time, there was a way out of Hell and somehow he found it and used it and suddenly he was there, fighting with us. He helped us to kill Azazel, then he was gone. I'll never know how he got out."

"He really was a Winchester, wasn't he?" said Jack.

Dean laughed. "Yeah, he was. I hope, when it's over for me, I go out like he did. I don't mean the deal. I mean punching my way out of Hell to help the people I care about."

"Didn't you do that already?"

"No, I was rescued by an angel. Dad did it without help. He taught me everything I know, but I still can't match him. Maybe, if I'd had a longer apprenticeship ... "

"Sam says you're a better hunter than he was." said Jack, "But I wish you could have had more time with him too."

"At least I had more time with him than Sam did. We had a lot of good times. It wasn't all blood and fights and quarrels. We went fishing once, don't think we caught a damn thing. Great hunters, lousy fishermen, that day, anyway. We just sat on a wet riverbank, talking. Also, not talking, but not in a not talking kind of way."

"Where was that?" said Jack.

"I'll show you on a map later. One day, we're gonna go through the whole Rand McNally Road Atlas and I'll show you every place we ever went."

"I'd like that." said Jack.

"So would I. It hasn't all been puppies and rainbows, but it's never been dull either."

"Thanks for telling me all this, Dean. I feel like I know John a little better now. I know I would have liked him."

"He'd have liked you, too. He liked honesty, sincerity, hard work and courage and you have all those things."

"And he died for you, which is a good reason for me to like him."

"Lots of people have died for me and some you should think twice about liking." said Dean.


	32. Chapter 32

When Castiel had read out the end of In My Time Of Dying. Sam met his mother's eyes and wished he hadn't. They were tear-filled and bright with sorrow. "Oh, John," she said, "I wish you'd been honest with the boys. Sam, I'm so sorry that he sent you away like that. That has to be the worst thing he could have done."

"He was trying to protect me." said Sam, "I guess he thought it would be easier that way. And he didn't want me trying to fight the demon, trying to break the deal. You know Dad. When he made up his mind, nothing would change it."

"I understand him making the deal. I would have done the same for either of you. Hell for your life? Worth it, always. But I would have told you. I would have made sure you understood."

"I'm not sure you would." said Sam, "We're Winchesters, we would have fought Azazel. We would have tried to stop it. Having no chance to say goodbye hurt, but I don't blame him now."

She took his hand and held it tightly. "How did you feel at the time?"

"I don't think I did. I couldn't afford to feel anything. Dean was scaring me. He was so angry, so hopeless. He wouldn't talk about Dad. He kept saying he was fine and he wasn't fine. I tried to be strong for him, the way he's always been strong for me."

"By pretending to be fine when you weren't?"

"I was sort of fine. It didn't feel like I was pretending. I just didn't want to feel all of that then, so I didn't. To be honest, I'm not sure I've fully processed Dad's death now. I don't think I ever will. Never getting to say goodbye left me in limbo and it still takes a lot out of me to say that he's dead, even to myself. The worst thing is knowing that he died thinking I didn't love him."

"Sam, I'm sure he didn't think that. You argued, yes, but only because you wanted him to do something for Dean."

"And he had already decided to do something. And what he did was bigger than anything I was asking him for. Sometimes I wish I'd thought of it first."

"Sam, don't say that. Losing you would have killed them both." she said.

"I just feel like I was the least effective Winchester." he said.

"Sam, you know Dean thinks you are the best Winchester, don't you?"

He smiled and squeezed her hand. "I know he thinks that, but he also thinks his life means less than mine, than anyone's. Dean is confused about a lot of things."

"With no disrespect to John," said Cas, "I think both you and Dean are far more effective as hunters. You took what he taught you and improved on it."

"I can still remember every detail of seeing him on that hospital floor." said Sam, "I still remember the smell of spilled coffee mingling with the hospital smell. I'll never forget the look on Dean's face when they were trying to resuscitate Dad. All I felt then was helplessness. Dad was dying, Dean was in despair and I ... I was just there."

"Mary," said Cas, "I love both your sons dearly, but they have the most skewed and confused view of their own worth that it is possible to have. Sam was only there, he says, but he has been consistently there, right at Dean's side, for years. He has gone through Hell, Purgatory, cosmic warfare, torture, insanity and loss and he is still there, still pushing aside all his concerns to support and heal his brother. I've read all the books and Dean was a wreck when his father died."

"Especially when he worked out that it had to be a demon deal." said Sam.

"Yes, he blamed himself and thought constantly about what might be happening to John in Hell." said Cas, "And you know what made him survive all that and claw his way out of the despair and grief? His brother. Sam, you have always been Dean's strength."

"And his weakness."

"True, but mostly his strength. You held on to hope when he couldn't. You told him there were other ways to win, when all he could see was defeat. You believed in him when he had no faith in himself. Even now, right here, you are putting yourself through this so that he doesn't have to. It doesn't hurt you less than it would hurt him, does it?"

"I honestly don't know." said Sam.

"You honestly don't care." said Cas, "If it helps, I can feel him trying not to call you, resisting the urge to find out how you are. His need to know has almost the intensity and focus of a prayer and it is calling to me as a prayer does. His thoughts are with you. He wants to protect you as you are protecting him. The love you have for each other is the most powerful I have ever seen. I'm glad neither of you were lost in that hospital. I am sorry that John was, but you could go on together without John. I don't think Dean would have survived if he lost you."

"He did when I went to Hell." said Sam.

"I don't call that surviving." said Cas.

"What did John whisper to Dean?" Mary asked Sam.

"You'll have to ask Dean that." said Sam.

"You don't know?" she said.

"No, I know." he said, "I just can't think of a good way to put it."

"Let me." said Cas, "Because we don't want Dean thinking about it." He turned to Mary, "He knew what lay ahead, the whole Lucifer thing, the apocalypse. He told Dean he either had to save Sam or kill him. It sounds terrible, I know, but there was a time when we thought we would have to kill Jack and Kelly."

"But to put that weight on Dean, at a time like that ... " said Mary.

"He felt he had no choice. The fate of the world might depend on Dean. In fact, it did."

"But he didn't have to kill Sam." she said.

"Probably best not to argue it out with him." said Cas, "He thinks he did kill Sam, by letting him say yes to Lucifer and leap into Hell."

Sam bowed his head. "He'll never stop blaming himself."

Mary hugged him and this time, he didn't try to back away. He just hugged her back, feeling the love he had lived without for so long, easing the ache of his lifelong lack. He had never known, until she came back into their lives, how much he had always needed his mother.


	33. Chapter 33

"We should be heading back." said Dean, "We've been away long enough and I should make sure Sam's okay." He looked at Jack and added, "But this has been good. We should do this again. It's good to get away from the bunker. You wanna pick the music for the drive home?"

Jack sorted through the tapes and picked out Physical Graffiti. "Feels like a Zeppelin day." he said, putting it on.

"You have better taste in music than Castiel." said Dean.

"Castiel loves Led Zeppelin." said Jack.

"He told you that?" said Dean, "Because in his car, it's hippy stuff all the way."

"I think that's all he has to play." said Jack.

"I've given him two mixtapes." said Dean. He realised how petty he was sounding. "I don't care what he listens to. It's just that I've known the guy a decade and I don't know what he likes or dislikes. I don't even know his favourite colour."

Jack looked troubled. "Does everyone have a favourite colour?"

"Don't you?" said Dean.

"I don't think so." said Jack, "Is that bad?" He looked very worried and Dean remembered how hard he was trying to be normal.

"It's okay. I think these things develop over time."

"Oh." said Jack.

Dean decided he should make use of the opportunity to talk to Jack away from the others and remove some of the pressure he obviously felt. "Jack, you don't need to try to be anything other than who and what you are. It's not like there's some set of rules for being human. You're one of us. You're half human and you're all Winchester. You don't need to make up a list of favourites things or fill in some magazine survey. You're Jack and you're incredible."

"Thanks. Sometimes I just feel like I don't understand anything, like I don't know how to be me."

"Yeah, that's pretty much how humans feel every single day." said Dean.

"Even you?"

"That's right." said Dean.

"Good." said Jack with feeling, "I thought it was just me."

"We're all struggling with the basics." said Dean, "And the older you get, the more you learn to hide the struggle. Doesn't mean anyone has found all the answers. We just learn to whisper the questions. Does that help at all?"

"Talking to you always helps." said Jack.

"Well, you can always talk to me. I got Sam through his difficult youth and he turned out okay, apart from the Lucifer thing and the Hell thing and the soullessness thing. Yeah, can we pretend I stopped at 'okay'?"

"I was going to." said Jack.

"And forget what I said about Cas. I overthink stuff."

"He's the same. He's always worrying about something and sometimes, when I ask him about it, the answer makes no sense at all. The music thing, though. I can explain that."

"Why he never plays the mixtapes?" said Dean.

"Yeah. They're the only thing he owns that he would miss if they were lost or destroyed. He's very protective of them."

"Really?"

"He does play them, but not in the car."

"He said that?" said Dean. Cas had never said that to him.

"For best friends, you two don't talk much." said Jack.

"When your best friend is an angel and you could not be further from one, you watch what you say." said Dean, "What his excuse is, I have no idea. Another thing about him I don't know."

"You could try asking him." said Jack.

"Yeah, I could. I will, if I ever get a chance."

"You live in the same bunker."

"Yes, but there is a lot of other stuff that has to take priority over that."

"Over your friendship?"

"Over my doubts." said Dean, "So don't go telling him about them, okay?"

"Okay." said Jack.

Dean listened to the music for a while. The cassette tapes in the car comprised the comfortable soundtrack of his life. He wished he could explain to Jack and Cas what the music meant to him or to himself why he needed them to love it too. He smiled as he remembered his father, the one person to whom he would not have to have explained any of it. John Winchester would merely have given him a grin and turned the music up louder. Odd, then, that he wanted, just once, to see Castiel have any level of enthusiasm for any kind of music that he liked. There was no other way in which he wanted Cas to be like his father.


	34. Chapter 34

Cas received a text from Dean. "Almost home. How's Sam?"

His reply was, "Sam's fine. How are you?" He looked at Mary and Sam and said, "Dean will be back soon."

"Good." said Sam, getting up. "I need to talk to him."

Cas looked at the phone screen. The lack of an immediate reply troubled him. "Let me talk to him first. I'll wait for him in the garage. You two need to discuss delegation."

"Do we?" said Mary to Sam.

Sam looked at Cas. He sighed. "I don't want to neglect our friends. I don't want to shirk my responsibilities."

"But?" said Mary.

"But if you could look after them for a day or two, without letting them know that I'm standing down ... "

"You're not standing down." said Mary, "You're taking some time off. Officially, you and Dean are planning ways to fight Michael."

"Which is exactly what we should be doing." said Sam.

"You're always doing that." said Mary, "I'm just taking on your other duties so you're under less pressure."

Sam nodded. "Yeah, I think it's a good idea. I just don't want to let anyone down."

"Think of it as helping Dean." said Cas. He knew that was the one thing Sam would consider a viable excuse. "I'll go and meet Dean."

"I still need to talk to him." said Sam.

"He'll want to see you, too." said Cas, "I'm sure he won't trust my word any more than you do."

"It's not that." said Sam, "I trust you."

"Good, then trust me." said Cas, "Jack has a special gift for listening and he listens with his whole heart. He knows how to get you talking and he knows when to back off. He'll be taking good care of Dean."

"Yes, Jack has a lot of empathy." said Sam, "I just need to hear from Dean that he's alright."

"I understand." said Cas. He left them and went to the garage. There, he texted Dean again, "How are you?"

No response. He hoped it was just because Dean was driving.

He'd been waiting fifteen minutes when Dean and Jack arrived. 

Jack was the first out of the car. He smiled at Cas. "Is Sam okay?" he said.

"He's fine." said Cas, "It's been an emotional afternoon, but Sam is strong. How's Dean?"

"Dean is great." said Dean, closing the car door behind him.

"I'll go and find the others." said Jack.

When he'd gone, Cas turned to Dean, "You didn't answer."

"No." said Dean, "How's Sam?"

"I told you, Sam's fine."

"How fine?" said Dean, "If he read that book he's not fine."

"It wasn't easy, but he and Mary handled it well." said Cas, "He was worried about you. Reading the book made him think about what you suffered at the time. While we're on that subject, in the brief instant before you find a way to distract me from it, how did it go with Jack?"

Dean suddenly smiled. "It went well, Cas. Jack's easy to talk to. I actually enjoyed talking to him about Dad. I know that sounds weird."

"No, it makes sense." said Cas, "So, this worked. This is how we should handle the other books?"

"Sam and I apparently deal with this stuff better when we are apart." said Dean.

"Is that yes?"

"No, that's maybe. You need to keep an eye on Jack, make sure he's not taking on more dark stuff than he can handle and I need to know that you're okay with it too."

"I'm definitely okay with it." said Cas, almost sure that he was.

"And Mom?" said Dean.

"You should talk to her and to Sam, but both are fine." said Cas, "Mary will be dealing with the offworlders for a day or two, so you and Sam can have some time off."

"I don't need any time off." said Dean.

"Clearly not." said Cas, "But Sam needs a break and he won't take one unless he thinks he's giving you permission to." 

"And how do I know you're not using the same line on him?" said Dean.

"Because I'm not that clever." said Cas.

Dean smirked. "That's virtually a confession, Cas."

"Will you accept some advice?" said Cas.

"Go on." said Dean.

"Talk to your mother tonight, after supper, Sam tomorrow."

"Any reason?"

"On advice from an angel." said Cas.

"From any other angel, I'd need a lot more than that." said Dean.

"And from me?"

"From you, that's plenty. When do you advise I talk to you?"

"We're talking now." said Castiel.

"Good." said Dean, "It's never worrying when you talk like that. Cut the crap. We need to talk."

"What about?" said Cas. He wanted to talk too, but Dean rarely volunteered to discuss his feelings.

"About you."

"As I said, I'm okay. Also Pact okay."

"Then we need to talk about a trip to see Sarah. You, me, Jack and Sam."

"She'd like that. I'll arrange it." said Cas.

"Cas, you read all the books, right?" 

"Yes." said Cas, "Do you really want to discuss that, when the fact is so distressing to you?"

"Every word, right?"

"Dean, this serves no purpose."

"Every word." said Dean.

"Yes."

"Okay." said Dean, "Something to think about."

"I don't understand."

"Which may be why we're still friends." said Dean.

"What?" said Cas, sincerely baffled.

"If you knew and understood everything, we wouldn't be." said Dean.

"I think you need to read the books sometime, but not now." said Cas.

"Sam can take them, but I can't?"

"Yes. Sam reads them differently." said Cas.


	35. Chapter 35

After supper, Dean went to his mother's room. The door was open and she was sitting at the desk, playing a game on her phone. "Hey," he said, "Do you have a minute?"

"For you, all the time in the world." she said, "Come in."

He closed the door and sat on the bed. "Cas says you're fine. I trust him. I believe him. I just need to hear it from you."

She smiled. "He tells me you're fine too and I have the greatest respect for your angel, but I need to hear it from you."

"I'm fine. I'm better than fine. Talking to Jack about Dad was easy. He's the one person in my life who can't be hurt by any of it. How are you, now that you know how and why Dad died? For which, incidentally, I am sorry."

"It's not your fault." she said, "Any more than my demon deal was John's fault. We do what we have to do to save each other. You didn't choose to be in that crash."

"I'm still the reason Dad is dead."

"Azazel is the reason he's dead and you killed Azazel."

"Yes, I did. I killed him with the Colt and I enjoyed it. I avenged you and Dad." He looked at her face, glowing in the light from the desk lamp the way it glowed in his memories of early childhood, of being loved. Their new relationship had ceased to rest on idealised thoughts of the past, but his need to bask in that gentle, unconditional love had never changed. "I love you, Mom." he said.

She put her phone on the desk and joined him on the bed. She hugged him gently and said, "I love you too, Dean. I'm so glad you trusted me enough to let me read that book. I needed to read it. I needed to know what happened. I hate the pain you both suffered, but I'd rather know than wonder. Your father did what I would have done, for either of you."

"You died protecting Sam. Dad died for me." said Dean.

"We'd do it again, a thousand times."

"Yeah, that's why I get worried." said Dean.

"Just like you or Sam would die for either of us."

"In a heartbeat." said Dean.

"It's called love." she said, "It's a family thing."

"So, are you planning to go through all the books?" he asked.

"Are there any you want me to avoid?" she said.

He wanted her to avoid all of them, but again, he reminded himself that she thought and felt very much as he did and he would want to know everything.

"My life is a series of open books to you." he said.

"You're sure?"

He nodded. "If you'd die for me a thousand times, I should allow you to make me mildly uncomfortable. Just watch Sam for me. He wants to support you through this, but the stuff he went through, it was far worse than anything I had to handle. Oh, and he was too trusting a few times. He was never bad, just gullible. Sam was never, ever evil."

She stroked his back. "I love the way you protect him, even when he's not under attack. I promise, I will never see evil in Sam, any more than I can see it in you. We all make mistakes, me more than most, but I know you're both good to the core."

He shook his head. "I make no such claim for me, but Sam has always done what he thought was right. He always will. You know, Sam is like Dad in so many ways, which always bugged me, because I wanted to be and wasn't. But Sam is like Dad in all the good things and very little like him in the bad things." He quickly added, "I don't mean Dad was bad, I just mean ..."

"You mean sometimes he messed things up, like not telling you about the demon deal or like telling you you might have to kill Sam."

"I didn't think that was in that book."

"It wasn't. I asked what he said. Castiel told me. Dean, he never should have said that to you. And I shouldn't have mentioned it now. Castiel warned me not to bring it up, so forget I did."

"Cas is trying to keep all the plates spinning." said Dean, "He's good, but I have a feeling we'll be wading in broken china by the end of the week."

"You're right about Sam. There is so much of John in him. Are you very disappointed that you are more like me?"

He smiled, "No, not disappointed. I was sad that I didn't see as much of Dad in me. I didn't know you well enough to see I was like you. Now, I do see it and I'm so glad you see it too. I can't think of higher praise than to be compared to either Winchester."

"I feel the same way, but of a different generation of Winchesters." she said, "I'm so proud of my sons. I know John would be too."

Dean felt dangerously close to tears. He stood and bent to kiss her head. "I'll see you tomorrow. Sleep well."

"You too." she said, "Remember, nothing will ever change my love for you and Sam, nothing I read, nothing I hear, nothing I see."

"Thanks and thanks for taking care of our friends. Sam needs the time off."

"Sam does? Okay."

"I told you, I'm fine." he said, "Goodnight."


	36. Chapter 36

Dean went to his own room, feeling weary, but optimistic. The world hadn't ended and he always liked those days. He opened his door, turned on the light and saw Sam lying on his bed.

"Where were you?" said Sam.

"Talking to Mom." said Dean.

"Oh. Good. Sorry. I was just waiting a while. We have to talk."

"Can it wait until tomorrow?" said Dean, remembering Castiel's advice.

"No, not really." said Sam, sitting up.

That ended his adherence to the advice. If Sam needed him, he needed to help Sam. He sat at the foot of the bed. "Okay, so I'm assuming that book was too much for you. It brought up all that guilt again."

"What guilt?" said Sam.

"Well, I just thought ... " said Dean, "Okay, you talk, I'll stop assuming."

"You really don't know what I'm going to say?"

"Apparently not." said Dean.

"You spent hours in a car with Jack, talking about the worst thing that ever happened to you, apart from Hell and you don't think I need to know how it went?"

Dean smiled. "It went well. We had a long, enjoyable talk about Dad."

"Enjoyable? Now I know you're lying." said Sam.

"No, cross my heart and hope to ... well, I'm not lying. I could finally talk about him, the good stuff and the bad, to someone who never knew him and still was very interested. I could talk about his death and the stupidity of it with someone who didn't suffer with every word I spoke."

"Stupidity?" said Sam.

"What, you don't think demon deals are stupid now?"

"That one was desperate and terrible, but saving you was not stupid."

"Saving me that way was. See what I mean? A single adjective about his death and you're already getting upset. That's why talking to Jack came as a relief."

"I have reason to be upset." said Sam, "My brother thinks saving his life was a mistake."

"No, I didn't say that. You said that, about Gadreel, remember? I had reason to be upset. You don't. All I said is that a demon deal is stupid and you know I'm right, so what's really bothering you?"

"Everything is bothering me." said Sam.

"I knew it. You're not reading any more of those books. I'll do them instead. I can handle it."

"It's not the books. It's you." said Sam.

"Me how? I was not even here."

"Do you remember talking to the reaper?"

"I remember some of it." said Dean, "But I wouldn't like to testify under oath exactly how it went."

"You don't have to, because we read it."

"Exactly. How is that not the books? I knew you couldn't handle them. I know you better than you know yourself. Facing down Lucifer: easy. Reading about a bad day I had: you fall apart."

"A bad day?"

"One of the worst." Dean admitted, "Nobody will think less of you if you let me take over reading with Mom. Cas would never have let you do it if he'd known how you would react. This is precisely why I didn't want an angel who doesn't understand human emotion to look after the emotional wellbeing of a brother who likes to hide his feelings."

"Cas was great. Don't blame him because I noticed something you never told me."

"I'll bite. What do you think you noticed?" said Dean.

"Your eloquent little speech to Tessa. 'I'm in the middle of a war.' You said a lot, but not one word about wanting to live."

"I was pleading with her to let me live." said Dean.

"You were, but not for yourself, for us."

"She was a reaper, Sam. You think she hasn't heard every argument there is? So I emphasised the stakes, the battle, the need for my existence to continue. I wanted to live, Sammy, but wanting it was not gonna impress her or make her change the rules for me." He remembered what Jack had said about his father. "I had one chance. I had one argument that might work. I had to go with it."

Sam was quiet for a long time.

"We good?" said Dean.

"Are you telling me the truth?" said Sam.

"You're tired. You're messed up from reading that crap. Which of us is most likely to be thinking clearly?"

"Thinking about Dad's death has never given you any clarity of thought." said Sam, "You should be a lot more screwed up than I am today."

"You seem disappointed that I'm not." said Dean, "Which is sweet of you."

"No, i just don't believe that you're not. Did you really talk to Jack about Dad?"

"Ask him."

"You talked about how Dad died?"

"Yes, I did. Ask Jack."

"And you were fine?"

"Jack was there. You think I'm gonna go to pieces in front of him? Having Jack there meant I kept control."

"Is that why you can talk to him and not to me?" said Sam and he sounded hurt.

"You know it's not like that. It's just, Jack never argued with Dad."

"After all these years, you still hold that against me?" said Sam.

"What?" said Dean, appalled, "Of course not! I never held it against you."

"Really? Never? Because I can remember a few times when you very definitely did."

"You're wrong." said Dean.

"You're lying." said Sam, "And that probably means you're lying about everything else." He went over to stand in front of Dean. "I'm not a kid. I don't need to be protected. I'm not fooled by the lies, so just tell me the damn truth!"

Dean stood, painfully aware that his brother had a distinct height advantage anyway. "Sam, Cas told me not to talk to you tonight. Now I see why. This is not about you and me. This is because you're tired and you're stressed and those damn books have you all churned up inside. I swear to you, I'm fine."

"You'd swear that if you weren't." said Sam.

Dean almost denied it, but ultimately couldn't. "Yeah," he said, "But I really am fine."

"That is the lamest argument I ever heard." said Sam, a hint of a smile on his lips.

"I know, it's not one of my best." said Dean, "Honesty may be the best policy, but lies make for a better script."

"Every minute you were out there with Jack, I just wanted to be there with you. I couldn't stand to think of you in pain and alone."

"I was with Jack."

"Okay, without me. I'm your brother. It's my job to be there for you."

"I felt the same way about leaving you with all that to deal with alone." said Dean.

"I know. Cas could feel you wanting to call."

Dean was instantly troubled. "How?"

"I don't know. I don't think he did either. He said it felt like a prayer."

"But it wasn't directed at him." said Dean, "Reading the books, I can forgive. Reading my mind is another matter."

"Whatever it was, it was involuntary." said Sam, "Don't give Cas a hard time. He wasn't trying to pry."

"We're all tired. I'm not doing any more talking tonight and I suggest you go to bed and try to get some rest." said Dean.

Sam nodded. "Okay."

"Cas will arrange for you, me and Jack to go with him to Sarah's place. I think that will be good for all of us."

Sam nodded again. "Make sure you get plenty of sleep." said Sam, "Because I don't think you're as fine as you think you are."

"You're tired and that makes you worry about me. I've seen it a million times." said Dean.

"Sleep anyway." said Sam.

"I will, if I can. Having an angel that reads minds adds a whole new area to lose sleep over."

"Didn't you let him read your mind at Stull Cemetery?" said Sam.

"Yeah, but that was a one time thing."


	37. Chapter 37

Before sunrise, Cas was out and walking through the trees above the bunker entrance. Considering there was a bunker full of people right there, he felt very alone.

He didn't want awkward questions from Dean about how he felt or questions from Sam about Dean or from Mary about either or both. He didn't want to mingle with the offworlders or sit apart from them, obviously not mingling. He missed the days when the bunker had been more sparsely populated, but he felt bad for feeling that way. 

He watched the sky growing lighter and tried to summon up enthusiasm for the new day. As long as Dean and Sam had stayed apart in their tired state and hadn't shaken their jangled nerves at each other and as long as he could avoid talking to Dean about whatever Dean was assuming he was feeling, he was sure all would be, if not well, at least not disastrous.

He froze at the sound of a breaking twig behind him. He very slowly turned.

Jack smiled at him in the half-light. "Good morning!" he said.

"Hello, Jack." said Cas, "Are they awake in there yet?"

"No, I didn't see anyone." said Jack, "Where are we going to put the beehive? Here, or on the bunker roof?"

Cas smiled. "There won't be a beehive." he said, "There won't be a road trip either or any of the other things Dean keeps talking about."

"Yes there will." said Jack, "Dean means it."

"Yes, he does." said Cas. He turned away and started walking again. "As soon as things are quiet enough for long enough, but when is that ever likely to happen? We're in the middle of the eternal conflict and Dean has signed on for the whole tour of duty."

Jack caught him up. "You've never talked like this before."

"The Winchesters, they mean every promise they make, but promises don't last long in the face of cosmic war. So you have to manage your expectations and resign yourself to the fact that most of the things you want to see will never happen."

"What things? Has something happened?" said Jack.

"My job is to make sure they can do their job." said Cas, as if Jack had never spoken.

"Dean's worried about you. I'm starting to think he's right to be." said Jack, "If you don't believe the things Dean promises will happen, why do you let him keep talking about them?"

"Because talking about them means talking about the future and Dean needs to plan a future, whether or not it can ever happen." said Cas.

"You don't expect to be part of it." said Jack.

"None of us can assume we will be in the final scene." said Cas, "Even if I survive to the end, whatever the end is, Dean may not want me around by then."

"Castiel, you're family. Dean will always want you around."

Cas could hear the fear in Jack's voice. He knew he should not have said any of the things he had said, not to Jack. "You're right." he said, "I'm sorry. I'm being irrational. Too many changes. I'm not good with change."

"You should talk to Dean." said Jack.

"Yes, I will." Cas lied. Dean had plenty of other things to worry about. "Jack," he said, "Do you ever feel the thoughts of others pulling at you?"

"Sometimes." said Jack, "Why?"

"What do you think causes it?"

"You're asking me? I'm new to all this."

"When it comes to things like that, so am I?"

"Whose thoughts do you feel?" said Jack.

"I'm sure it's nothing." said Cas, "Maybe as Heaven powers down, we'll find more connection here on Earth."

"That sounds like a good thing." said Jack.

"Yes, it does." said Cas.

"You never knew John Winchester, did you?"

"No, he was dead a long time before I met Dean."

"He sounds like an interesting man."

"I'm sure he was." said Cas.

"Dean says he can never match him, but Sam always says Dean is a better hunter and a better man."

"I agree with Sam. Trust Dean on everything but his opinion of himself."

"And promises he makes about the future." said Jack.

"Trust those too. Ignore the things I said. I just lack faith sometimes."

"In Dean?"

"No," said Cas, "In myself."

"What's really wrong, Castiel?" said Jack.

Cas looked back at the bunker. "I told you, too much change over too little time. But not all change is bad. I depended on Heaven and now Heaven doesn't want me."

"And you're afraid the Winchesters won't want you either?"

"It seems possible." said Cas, "Why should I matter to them?"

"Well, one of the people to whom you don't matter is all tied up in knots because he doesn't know what matters to you." said Jack.

"What do you mean?" said Cas.

"I mean talk to them. You think you're not important, but you are to the Winchesters and you are to me."

"They have other things on their minds." said Cas.

"I know how you feel. I'm afraid of the same thing. I don't want to question their friendship in case they start questioning it, but I really do think they love us."

"Yesterday, did you and Dean talk a lot?"

"More than we ever have before." said Jack, "I think he's wanted to talk about it all for a very long time, but had nobody to tell it to."

"Thanks for letting him talk to you." said Cas.

"I enjoyed it. Dean's great. I could listen to his stories forever."

"We should go back in." said Cas.

Jack nodded. "Okay. Just one thing, though. Please don't leave. I sometimes feel like you're wondering whether to stay or go. Don't go."

"Where would I go?" said Cas.


	38. Chapter 38

Dean went to the kitchen in search of something to eat and found Sam eating an omelette. "Sit!" said Sam, "I'll get you some food."

"Why?" said Dean, remembering Sam's irrational concern the night before.

"Only you would question the motivation behind breakfast." said Sam, heading for the refrigerator.

"Where is everyone?" said Dean.

"Mom and Bobby took the others out for some training. Jack's in the library. Jules is on phone duty and Cas said he was going to call Sarah. I take it from your late arrival that you actually slept."

"Pretty well, actually." said Dean, "How about you?"

"Barely at all." said Sam.

"I knew it. Those books ... "

"Yeah, whatever." said Sam.

"So, really, I should be making your breakfast before sending you back to bed to sleep for a few hours."

Sam just gave him a look. He decided not to push his brother too far.

"Usual breakfast order? Anything unhealthy, fried in butter?"

"Sounds great." said Dean.

Jack came into the kitchen. "Dean, you're up."

"Nothing gets past you." said Dean.

"It's good to find you both together. I wanted to ask you a hypothetical question."

"I've never actually heard a genuinely hypothetical question." said Dean.

"Good." said Jack, "That will make this a lot easier."

Dean saw Sam hide his smile behind the refrigerator door. "Ask your question." he said.

"If you knew, because he'd told you, when he was feeling bad, that someone in this bunker was feeling like he wasn't important and maybe doesn't have a permanent place here ... "

Dean was already heading out. "Where is he?"

"Dean, wait!" said Sam.

"What for? You want Cas to leave?"

"He's not leaving. He's talking to Sarah. Maybe we should wait until we have too."

"What do you think, Jack?" said Dean. Jack seemed uneasy, so he added, "Hypothetically?"

"I think Sam's right. And I really don't want him to think I told you anything."

"Now I know why he was acting so weird and evasive last night." said Dean.

"He went to meet you last night." said Sam, "He was insistent that it had to be him, not me."

"And he asked about me, but whenever I tried to talk about him, he just wasn't talking." said Dean, "Jack, why do you think he feels unimportant? How can we fix it?"

"It may be a little unfair to expect Jack to answer that." said Sam.

He was right, of course. Jack had done well to identify the issue and bring it to their attention. Detailed analysis and creative solutions were a lot to ask of someone who was, in chronological age, still a toddler. Even Cas probably had no idea of the root of the problem.

"Cas is my problem." said Dean, "I'll talk to Sarah and fix whatever needs to be fixed. It could be because of the books. He thinks I resent him for reading them."

"Do you?" said Sam.

"He was probably ordered to read them. Even if he wasn't, he clearly didn't know he was crossing a line. It's Cas. He'd never deliberately do the wrong thing. He just doesn't know what the rules are."

"So you don't resent him?" said Jack.

"That's not what he said." said Sam.

Dean was halfway through his fry-up when Cas came into the kitchen. "Are you three free this afternoon?" he said.

"Yes, we are." said Sam.

"Good. Then we'll see Sarah then."

"That's great." said Dean, "I like Sarah a lot."

"She's looking forward to seeing you again too." said Cas.

"Does she know what I am." said Jack.

"Yes." said Cas, "I've told her all about you. She's excited to meet her first nephilim."

"One of the great things about Sarah," said Dean, "Is that nobody has to hide anything from her. We can all be honest."

"I like her already." said Jack.

"Oh, her bees like angels. Don't know how they feel about half-archangel nephilim." said Dean, "Just be ready for some unusual attention."

"Are you okay, Cas?" said Sam.

"Of course." said Cas. He looked quickly at Jack and then away. "Any reason why I shouldn't be?"

"None at all." said Sam, "But I promised Dean I would keep an eye on you."

Cas looked at Dean. "You worry too much."

"Yeah, I know." said Dean, "I care about you. I refuse to apologise for that."

"I'd better take Jack with me so you two can talk." said Cas, "I know you both want to discuss yesterday."

"No, we did that last night." said Sam.

Cas looked at Dean again. "You ignored my advice?"

"No, Sam ambushed me in my room. I had no choice."

"It's true." said Sam.

"And we were tired and we were not thinking clearly and we basically argued for no reason." said Dean.

"Also true." said Sam.

"Your advice was good." said Dean, "I wish you'd advised Sam the same way." He saw the look in Castiel's eyes and quickly added, "Not that I'm blaming you in any way."

"Is there something I should know?" said Cas, with another quick look at Jack.

"There are lots of things you should know, starting with basic car maintenance and then meandering through all the reasons why we would be screwed without you, but for now, all you need to know is that everything is fine and we're going to see your girlfriend later. Incidentally, watch Sam, he flirts with cougars."

"Isn't that rather dangerous?" said Cas.

"Oh, yeah." said Dean.


	39. Chapter 39

Dean spent the morning wrestling with his conscience. Sarah was an old lady who owed them absolutely nothing and had a right to be left in peace. Cas was his friend, who trusted him. Sam didn't want to talk to anyone about what was going on. It was hard to justify what he wanted to do on any level, but he could see no other way to fix what was happening and his attempts to get everyone to be happy were apparently doomed to failure.

Finding the phone number was the easiest part. Sarah had no reason not to be accessible. Calling it was less easy. He went and locked himself into the Impala, where he hoped to go unnoticed and unheard by the others.

"Hello?" said Sarah.

"Hi, Sarah. It's Dean Winchester." he said, "I think you're about to hate me."

"Dean, you are taking low self-esteem much too far." she said.

He laughed. "I mean because of this call, which is completely unfair and asking far too much."

"My dear, I was looking at an afternoon of laundry before Castiel called. Now I'm expecting a party. Unless you're calling to cancel, we are friends."

He decided to come straight to the point. "For all kinds of reasons and in all kinds of ways, my family, my brothers are pretty messed up. There are some books ... "

"The Winchester Gospels? Castiel has mentioned them."

"Please tell me you haven't read them." he said.

"No, I haven't. When he told me they were true, it felt too much like reading someone's diary."

"I'm glad someone has a sense of boundaries." said Dean, aware that he was crossing some himself. "Mom found out about them, wants to read them all. I mean, it's understandable, but they cover some dark times and somebody needs to make sure she's not too traumatised and the consensus is that it can't be me, because apparently I am more deeply affected by the stuff we've lived through than Sam, who was possessed by Lucifer and then tortured by him. Does that make sense to you?"

"I assume it makes no sense at all to you." said Sarah.

"I knew you'd agree. Anyway, Sam read one of the worst books with her, the one where ... Well, I was dying, Dad made a deal to save me. Demon deals are stupid, always and his was one of the worst. Sorry, I'm getting off track here. That was a rough time for Sammy and reading about it has not helped. He didn't sleep last night and he's worrying about stuff that doesn't matter."

"What kind of stuff?" said Sarah.

"He thinks I'm a wreck. I'm not. I'm fine."

"Sometimes, our love and concern for others can blind us to our own problems." said Sarah.

"Exactly! And Sam has been worrying about me since we were kids. Which is dumb, right? I've been looking after him. I couldn't do that if I were as weak as he sometimes thinks."

"It's easy to become irrational when someone we love is in pain." she said, "Some people, good, kind people, will always let the heart overrule the head. It's not always a bad thing, but it can be very painful for them."

"I knew you would get it. Sam has always been like that. I wouldn't change him, honestly. He's the best of us. But he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and he shouldn't have to carry my weight too."

"I understand." said Sarah, "And you want my help because he may listen and open up to an old lady a lot more easily than to the brother he looks up to?"

"Yes. I know it's unfair to lay this on you." said Dean.

"Not at all, dear. We're friends."

"Jack's less of a problem, which is not something I ever thought I'd be able to say, with him being the son of Lucifer and all. He's happy, he's learning to fit into the world without bending it out of shape. It's just that he's taking on all kinds of stuff I never intended him to, including getting right in the middle of our dysfunctional little family and trying to fix it. It's mostly my fault, because I forget he's just a kid. No big drama there, but if you could find out if I need to worry about him, it would help a lot."

"I'll do what I can, of course." she said, "I've never spoken to a nephilim before."

"No, I don't think most people have. He's not hard to talk to, though. He's basically a sweet kid with god-like powers. Avoid sending him into a rage and all will be well. We tend to try not to push him toward the dark side."

"I'll do my best." she said.

"Don't worry. The kid's Luke Skywalker."

"Castiel always talks of him with such love." said Sarah.

"Yes, he and Castiel, they're very close. I think that's why Jack is so good and gentle and non-Luciferic. When Cas is your role model, you won't go far wrong. Cas is the big problem right now. He has it in his head that he doesn't belong with us. I think he thinks I'm angry that he read those books."

"He read them?" said Sarah.

"Yeah, but I'm sure he was told to or he didn't know any better." said Dean.

"He told you he actually read them?" she said.

"You don't think he did?" said Dean.

"I don't know. He's never told me either way, but most of the books he knows, Metatron put into his head en masse. It's how he ended up understanding cultural references. He even knows who Clarence is now."

"You know about Clarence?"

"I've seen the movie many times."

"I mean Castiel as Clarence." said Dean.

"I know that Meg called him that."

"You know about Meg?" said Dean.

"You sound surprised."

"He never mentions her to me."

"He doesn't talk about her much, since her death. He misses her." said Sarah.

"I know there was something between them, but I never really knew what it was. It was an odd relationship."

"Yes, an angel and a demon. I doubt either side would have given their blessing. You and I, though, we just want his happiness, however he finds it."

"Yes, and if Meg could have made him happy, I would have forgiven all the times she tried to kill us."

"She does sound like quite an interesting creature."

"Life was never dull with Meg around." said Dean, "So you think he never read the books? They were just put into his head?"

"I'm just considering it a possibility."

"Well, there you are. I can hardly be angry that Metatron made him know all that stuff."

"But you're still troubled that he knows it." she said.

"I'm human." said Dean, "But I don't blame Cas."

"Sometimes, for those who don't fully grasp human emotions, discomfort can seem like irritation and fear can look a lot like anger."

"I'm not afraid." said Dean, "I just feel a bit exposed."

"You see? Even I can get it wrong." she said.

"The only fear I have is fear that my family is falling apart and I can't do a thing to stop it." he said, "Cas isn't happy and he's the type who will just disappear if he thinks we don't want him around."

"And you need my help to convince him that you do?"

"Yes! I know you know things about Cas nobody else knows. I know you know how to talk to him. I feel like I don't. I feel like I just keep making it worse."

"Dean, my dear, you were right to call me. This is too much for you to handle alone. Whatever you need, I will do. It's just love, and miracles out of nowhere, as the song says. We've got a lot of love, here. We can work together on some miracles."

"You're a Kansas fan?" said Dean.

"I don't know their music well," she said, "But dear Castiel does play a few of their songs a lot."

"He does?" said Dean.

"He sings them, too, when he thinks nobody can hear him."

Dean realised he was smiling. "I'll see you later, Sarah. Thanks for everything."

"Try not to worry, Dean. Now that I know how things are, I know I can help. We'll take care of all the brothers."

"Yes, we will." said Dean.


	40. Chapter 40

Cas kept as quiet as possible on the way to Ionia. It was easy enough, with Dean telling Jack how they were going to fix Sarah's car and Sam, tired and uncertain, gazing out of the window as if in a trance.

From time to time, Dean's eyes would meet his in the rear view mirror and Dean would say, "Hey, Cas, you okay?" and he would nod and smile and wait for Jack to distract Dean with another question. Dean never seemed to ask Sam the same thing, but he looked across at him often and Cas suspected he was hoping Sam would fall asleep. Both of them knew how much Sam needed a good, long sleep.

Cas had his own hopes. Above all, he hoped that Sarah, whose people skills were the best he had ever encountered, would be able to help with all three of his charges. He had explained the situation to her, both to warn her and to ask for her assistance. She had already shown that she could reach Dean in his darker moods. He hoped she could also get Sam to talk. Since their reading of the book, Sam was deeply troubled and Cas was worried that there had been a lot more harm done by Sam's night-time chat with Dean than either of them had admitted.

Sarah had immediately understood his concerns and shared them. She was, as always, eager to help anyone in trouble. In his own times of vulnerability, she had even helped him, though counselling angels was neither easy nor well-rewarded.

Beside him, Jack was bright and cheerful and asking all manner of questions about cars. Cas wondered whether not caring about cars was a character flaw, at least in Dean's eyes. He felt it should count for something that he cared about the Impala and his own car, but he found the engineering involved uninteresting and he feared that maybe that was a part of the gulf that seemed to be opening between him and Dean. It wasn't that Dean didn't like him, love him, even. It was that there was so little common ground between them and the fact that one thing they did have in common was direct knowledge of the contents of Carver Edlund's books did not seem to help.

He wasn't really listening to the conversation about cars, but he did catch the words, "One of our celestials should understand the workings of the internal combustion engine." It felt like a slap and he turned to stare out of the window, like Sam. Normally, he loved any sign that the Winchesters loved Jack as much as he did, but not when that love seemed to be excluding him.

He was as troubled by his visceral reaction as by the words. He should not be susceptible to unkind words from humans. He was an angel. He shouldn't care. He certainly shouldn't feel an ache in his chest and a longing to hide until it stopped hurting. 

Sarah would hug him sometimes, often for no clear reason and if he asked why, she said he'd looked like he needed a hug. Sometimes, he'd explain to her that angels needed nothing of the kind and indeed should have no needs whatsoever, but sometimes he just enjoyed the hug and forgot even to tell himself he didn't need it.

He had never seriously considered leaving the Winchesters. Being summoned to serve Heaven was always a possibility, but to leave by choice had never felt like one. Now, with Dean unable to get past the fact that Cas had read the books and with him seeming ever more distant, the thought entered his head that Sarah might offer him a place to stay if he needed it. She always had in the past.

"Cas, what's wrong?" said Dean.

"Nothing." said Cas, automatically.

Jack turned and looked at him, concern in his eyes.

"I'm fine." said Cas.

"We'll be there soon." said Dean. He sounded tired and troubled and Cas felt bad for adding to his worries.

At the back of his mind, Cas felt a little pull, another pseudo-prayer, a call from a soul, weak and unintended. He pushed it away, anxious not to overhear thoughts not directed at him. The existence of this new level of communication scared him. He had no idea what it might do to Dean, especially at a time when he already thought Cas had invaded his privacy. He would never believe that it was not deliberate spying.

"When we get there," he said to Jack, "I'll take you to meet the bees. Exceptional beings, bees." Just thinking of them helped him to focus his mind. The many months of meditation on the bees had clearly been beneficial to his mind.

"Just watch for bad reactions from them." said Dean, "We don't know what they think of nephilim."

"I've never been attacked by a bee." said Jack.

"I'm sure they will not harm him." said Cas, filling his head with thoughts of the busy hives, making sure there was no empty space to fill with thoughts or feelings from the others. It seemed to him especially cruel that he was able to feel Dean's emotions at a time when he and Dean seemed to have no other connection at all.

"What?" said Dean.

"I said they won't harm him." said Cas.

"No, after that, you said, 'Dean.'" 

"He didn't." said Jack.

Cas could see Dean's frown. He focused on the bees again, until his head seemed full of the golden glow of gathered treasure. He tried not to think of broken angel brains, misfiring and sending messages to anyone in range. He needed the reassuring smile of an old lady and the uncomplicated company of her bees.


	41. Chapter 41

Sarah was waiting outside the farmhouse. Dean was first out of the car, the others quickly following him. He gestured to Sam and said, "Sarah Kranz, this is my brother, Sam." 

She shook Sam's hand. "You were right. He is a lot taller." she said, "It's good to meet you, Sam. Both Dean and Castiel say wonderful things about you."

"It's lovely to meet you too." said Sam, "This is a beautiful place."

"Well, it is to me." she said. She looked at Jack. 

Dean allowed Cas to make that introduction. "This is Jack." he said, keeping it simple.

Sarah took both Jack's hands. "Oh, you're beautiful inside and out, aren't you?" she said, "You have a kind heart, Jack. I see it in your eyes."

Dean saw Cas's smile and knew she had said the right thing.

Sarah let go of Jack and hugged Cas. She whispered something in his ear and he replied equally quietly. "Take Jack and Sam to meet the bees." she said to him. They went with Cas and Sarah drew Dean into the house. 

"Any instructions, my dear?" she said.

"No. I have absolute faith in you." he said.

"I'll need to speak to each of them alone, so I rely on you to give me opportunity." she said.

"No problem. As soon as you home in on one, I'll distract the others."

She looked out of the window. He joined her. Both Jack and Cas were surrounded by bees. She smiled. "I had a feeling they would be the same with nephilim as with angels. They say the pure of heart can walk unharmed through a swarm of bees."

"You should have warned me before I went out there last time." he said.

"There's no greater purity than selfless love, Dean." she said.

"There is nothing selfless about me." said Dean. 

Outside, Sam laughed at something and Jack joined in. Dean nodded. "This place is already helping."

"Good." said Sarah, "When my husband died, this became my haven. I'm glad it can help your brothers too."

"When did your husband die?" he said.

"Years ago." she said, "I was thirty-eight. Overseas aid work is often dangerous. He was due home in a week and instead I was told he'd been killed in a landslide."

"I'm so sorry." 

"We'd been married seventeen wonderful years. I don't regret anything. Love means loss, but it's always worth it." She looked out the window again. "Do you think Jack can talk to the bees like Castiel can?"

"I don't know. We really know very little about his abilities. All we know is that a nephilim is stronger than the angel parent and as that angel was an archangel, that's a lot of power."

"All that matters is the heart." she said, "Jack doesn't seem capable of evil."

"I don't think he is. We were lucky. He's very like his mother."

"They all look happy for now, at least." she said.

"They need this." he said, "Sam's been dwelling too much on Dad's death and on whether I wanted to live or just didn't want to let them down at the time."

"Which was it?" she said.

"I had no reason to want to die." he said, "A reaper came for me and I argued with her, pleaded with her for my life. I told her about the fight we were in because I thought she might care more about that than about some random drifter who just wanted to live longer."

"I don't think you were ever a random drifter. Dear Castiel calls you a holy warrior."

"Cas is confused."

"About?"

"About everything. There's something wrong. It's like he's hiding from me."

"He says the same about you, sometimes." she said.

"His room here," said Dean, "Does he have stuff in it?"

"Oh yes. It's a little cluttered, to be honest."

"Stuff he chose?"

She smiled. "Are you worried because he has nothing in his room at the bunker?"

"Yes." he said.

"He didn't choose anything here. The room was full of things before he ever came here. He hasn't changed a thing. I doubt he ever will. Don't read too much into that kind of thing. He just lacks most of the basic concepts around home and belongings."

"I asked him to make more of a home for himself in the bunker and he added a chair."

"Which means he's trying." she said.

"Yeah, I guess it does." he said.

She went to her pantry. "Castiel tells me you like apple pie." she said.

"I do." he said.

"Good." she said. She brought out a large pie and then fetched a jug of cream from the refrigerator. "You try some of this. I'm going to talk to Castiel."

"Thanks," said Dean, sitting at the kitchen table, "For the pie and for everything else."

"I'll send Sam and Jack for some pie." she said, "Do nephilim eat?"

"Yes, that one eats a lot." said Dean.

"Have anything you want to eat and drink." she said, "My house is your house."

"I think I love you, Sarah." he said.

She smiled and went to find Castiel.


	42. Chapter 42

Castiel saw Sarah coming from the house. She came over to the hives and said, "Sam, Jack, there's food in the kitchen and some of it's pie, so you might want to hurry before Dean eats it all."

They both headed rapidly for the house. Cas turned to follow them, but she stopped him and said, "Let's go to the creek. We need to talk without them around."

"How does Dean seem to you?" he said as they walked across to the trees that lined the little creek.

"You were right, my dear. He's very troubled. More so than last time, I think."

"And did he say why?" said Cas.

"Castiel, I know you love the Winchesters and you love Jack. I need you to promise me something."

"If you can help them, you can have anything you want." he said.

"Promise that you won't leave them, because I don't think Dean can cope without you now."

"It's not my choice." said Cas, "Dean doesn't trust me. I think he will soon ask me to leave."

"Even if he did, and he won't, you'd have to refuse. He's so afraid of losing you, but he's also afraid of making you feel trapped, so he won't beg you to stay, but he needs you to. He says you're hiding from him. Why are you doing that?"

Cas watched the creek running past, light caught in the ripples. "Nothing has changed for thousands of years and now I know humans and everything is changing and it's too fast and it makes no sense." he said, "I used to only hear his prayers, aimed at me. Now I am catching his emotions, when they are strong enough. He hates that I know the Winchester Gospels, how do you think he'll respond if he finds out I'm spying on his feelings?"

"Can you just acquire new powers?" she asked, "Is it a new power?"

"What do you mean?" he said.

"When the angels fell, you told me many of them found being around humans, sensing their pain and confusion was overwhelming for them. It was easier for you. Why was it easier for you?"

"I'd been on Earth for a while. I'd become adept at damping down their signals."

"You blocked the chaos of emotional energy around you?"

"Yes."

"And now you are experiencing the same thing, but only for one human?"

"So far, only one." he said.

"What's special about Dean Winchester?" she said.

"Start with everything. He saved me. He taught me to think. He dragged me out of Heaven as I dragged him out of Hell." Suddenly, he remembered something else unique about Dean. "Some time ago, I opened my mind to him, showed him what he was in my eyes. He needed to see it. More recently, he allowed me to see into his mind."

"You opened a channel between you." said Sarah, "What impresses me is that you've clearly mostly closed it out of respect for his privacy. Some things are leaking through. Maybe when one of you needs the other. Does that make sense?"

"It does to me." said Cas, "But Dean will see it as intrusion into his thoughts and feelings."

"Castiel, my soul, Dean is afraid to speak to you in case he makes things worse and you just leave. You're brave enough to die for him, but not to tell him the truth? One of you needs to start the conversation."

"Does he know about it?" said Cas.

"If he does, he hasn't said anything to me. He knows something is wrong. Just talk to him."

"Jack said the same thing." he said.

"Dean is worried about all three of you." said Sarah, "He needs his best friend and whether you know it or not, that's you."

"I should have lied about the books. He'll never trust me now he knows I've read the books."

"He's unhappy that anyone has read the books." she said, "But he trusts you. He hasn't said a word about doubting you."

"Dean doesn't say much about the things most on his mind." said Cas.

"I'm sure he's an enigma to you, Castiel, because you still have a lot to learn about people, but he's just concerned about you and afraid of losing you and if he ever does, I'm afraid of what it will do to him." She took his arm. "I'm also afraid of what it will do to you. You don't want to leave your family."

"No, I don't." he said.

"So promise me you won't. Then we can both stop worrying about it."

"I will do whatever I need to do." he said.

"For yourself, or for Sam, Dean and Jack?" she said.

"Do you know how it feels, to feel Dean backing away from our friendship?" he said.

"Are you sure that's what you're feeling?" she said.

He thought about it. He watched the creek. He listened to the song of a bird off in the trees.

"That's what I thought." she said.

"If he ever tells you he wants me to leave, will you tell me?" he asked.

"He will never want you to leave." she said.

"You can't know that." he said, "I wish I'd lied about the books."

"Maybe the reason he still trusts you is that you didn't."

He looked at the house, remembering the many times he had arrived, unannounced, from that first time, when she had found him wandering around the hives, half-crazed and searching for order in his chaos. Sarah had been a voice of reason, of calm acceptance. She had never mocked him or lied to him or made him feel stupid and weak, even when he had arrived feeling like a feeble fool.

"What can I do?" he said.

She smiled. "You can trust him. Trust your friendship. Talk to him, if you can find the chance and the words. Whatever you do, don't leave, because he won't try to bring you back. He'll assume you don't want to be around them anymore."

"I will never want to leave." said Cas.

"I know. So don't leave. Certainly don't leave now. Whether he says it or not, whether you know it or not, Dean needs you. You may tell yourself leaving is the best thing you can do, but I promise you, it isn't."

"You're sure he doesn't want me to?" he said.

"I've never been more sure of anything." she said, "Now, let's go back to the house and when Dean has finished his pie, you can show him your room. Jack too. They'll love it."

"You think so?" he said.

"Yes, I think so. And then I can have a chance to talk to your other Winchester problem."

"Thanks, Sarah. I don't know what I'd do without you." he said.


	43. Chapter 43

Sam found himself alone with Sarah at the kitchen table. Cas had removed the other two very quickly and easily and he knew it had been deliberate. He smiled at the kind old lady. "You're pretty incredible, Sarah, willingly taking on the troubles of the whole family."

"You noticed that?" she said, "Even starved of sleep, you're more alert than most."

"A lifetime of hunting will do that for you." he said, "Who put you up to it, Dean or Cas?"

"Both." she said, "Neither of them knows that. In fact, Dean thinks he has been talking about everyone's issues but his own."

"You're good!" he said.

"Of course, it's not going to work on you now, but maybe you're clever enough to know you need someone to talk to, or just tired enough not to fight too hard against it."

"I'm just worried about Dean." he said, "I've been worried about Dean since the 80s. If you're helping Dean, you're helping me."

"Dean, Castiel and Jack. Probably others too. Castiel says you're leading other hunters."

"Mom's taking care of them for now." he said.

"Who's taking care of you?" she asked.

"Dean, Castiel and Jack. Trust me, that's all I need."

"I don't doubt it." she said, "They're a good team."

"The best." he said.

"In Castiel's opinion, you are the strongest and the wisest of them."

"I'm not sure about that. They're all strong in their own way. Dean's biggest problem is that he is strong enough to hide every hint of weakness, every wound. He can look you in the eye and swear everything's great at a moment when he just wants to die. Cas is so strong that he seems invincible until he's crumbling to dust. Jack never wants to be a bother, so we have to constantly check that he's okay."

"Sounds exhausting." she said.

"Yeah, it can be." he said.

"What do you think they're all afraid of?" she said.

"Of letting the rest of us down, of being a burden, of getting in the way. We're fighting a war that just seems to go on forever and nobody wants to be the one that gets us defeated. They're also trying to protect everyone else. Dean would rather die alone than risk seeing me killed. Cas would die for any of us."

"Yes, he would." said Sarah, "Speaking of death, I hear Dean met a reaper."

"Dean has met a lot of reapers." he said, "I think they get special training for what to do if you meet Dean Winchester."

She smiled. "Yes, I'd imagine he's quite a handful for them."

"You have no idea." he said.

"He says you think he wanted to go with this one." 

"Tessa? The one when Dad died?"

"That's the one. I'm afraid I don't know her name."

"He talked about that discussion?" 

"Not much. He said you think he didn't want to live. He claims he did."

"You don't believe him?" said Sam.

"I think the key thing is that you don't believe him." she said.

Sam tried to work out how he had ended up in this conversation. "Did I just get Jedi mind tricked?" he said.

She chuckled. "Oh, I don't know anything about science fiction, but I doubt it. You're just humouring an old lady who doesn't get much chance to talk."

Sam nodded. "Yup, I have. I've been Obi-Wanned. My only excuse is that I am very tired. I knew from the start that you were clever."

"You just thought you were cleverer?"

"No, I thought having seen the trap, I might not fall into it."

"I know a lot about you, Sam." she said, "I know that you can live on willpower long after your body is exhausted. I knew you wouldn't be easy to help, because you have never wanted to be helped. Dear Castiel talks about you a lot. He is in awe of you and your brother. He knows how much you've suffered, but almost nobody else has any idea, because you hide it so well, better than even Dean."

"So, do you think he really wanted to live when he talked to the reaper?"

"I think Dean will fight for every moment of life, always, because he will never want to abandon you."

"But his life means nothing to him?"

"His life means nothing to him in comparison to yours." she said, "I understand how you must feel. You want him to live for himself, to find joy in life and I'm sure he still can."

"You are?"

"I've seen the resilience of the human spirit many times and I've seen the light that comes into your brother's eyes when you and Jack laugh. After all these years and all these battles, there is a part of Dean that still hopes, still finds joy, still lives for love and laughter. It's well hidden and he may not be aware of it himself, but it's there and it craves life. Dean is far from ready to let go of life for any reason but to save others."

"You really see that in him?"

"So clearly. He's sacrificed so much of his life to save the world and to protect you and he will never regret that, no matter what it costs him, but he's not the empty shell you might expect after all that. He is indomitable. He is indestructible."

Sam nodded. "You have no idea how good it feels to hear someone say that. I've always believed there was still hope in there somewhere, still a chance for happiness. He deserves happiness more than anyone else on the planet."

She patted his hand. "Oh, Sam, your whole life has been about loving and supporting him."

"I've let him down a lot."

"I don't think he would say so. I think he finds his strength in you and Castiel and sweet Jack. Today, he wants me to help you. So, even though you are far too clever for me and have already seen the trap, shall we make a pot of tea and then have a nice, long chat about why you seem so lost and so tired?"

Sam could barely raise his head. He was exhausted. He had wanted to keep his own problems to himself and help her to focus on the others, but there was something very appealing about the idea of just telling the sweet old dear about the tangled mess of worry that kept robbing him of sleep. "I never had a grandma." he said.

She stood up and filled the kettle on the stove. "Well, now you do."


	44. Chapter 44

Dean looked around Castiel's bedroom and acknowledged to himself that the prints of flower and bee pictures on the walls, the quilt of many golden hues and the bright yellow lampshades were clearly Sarah's choices. 

"Is yellow your favourite colour?" said Jack to Cas.

"No, I don't think so." said Cas, "But all colours are good."

Dean felt foolishly irritated, but did his best to hide it from both of them. "Is there one colour you like better than the others?" he said.

"Here, I like yellow." said Cas.

"Favourite colours are not situational." said Dean, but he knew they were, for Cas, because he would never say anything against the taste of the woman who had shown him kindness and hospitality.

"Yellow is my favourite colour." said Cas.

"Okay." said Dean, "We could get yellow things for your room in the bunker."

"To make it more like this room?" said Cas.

"Yes."

"Oh." said Cas.

"Or maybe you'd like a different colour in the bunker." said Jack, "What other colour do you like?"

"I like ... green?" said Cas, as if afraid he was not allowed to. When they didn't immediately argue, he added, "The colour of new beech leaves or the dark green of yew trees in winter."

"Yes!" whispered Dean, "Finally!"

"Finally what?" said Cas.

"An opinion, a preference." said Dean.

"I like blue too, if that helps." said Cas.

"Anything you like, I like." said Dean.

"But here, I like yellow best." said Cas.

"Yeah, that's fine. I like Sarah too." said Dean, "I like this room. I like that you have this place. I just want you to have a place like this at the bunker." He saw Cas looking around and knew he was considering copying the room in the bunker. "I mean like this in being comfortable and making you feel at home, not identical to this." he added, "And I'm not trying to compete with Sarah. I know that what you have here is important to you." He saw Jack looking at him and decided he didn't want to say too much at this point.

There was a CD player on the desk, next to a notebook. A small stack of CDs were there, Vivaldi, Kansas, Bob Seger and Military Bands. "I thought your music collection consisted of two cassette tapes." he said.

"This is not my music collection." said Cas, "I keep that at home."

Dean felt his emotional reaction to two very simple words was out of all proportion. He said nothing, afraid of sounding strange or smothering, but "at home" had instantly taken the edge off his fears that Cas had no special affection for the bunker.

Cas must have noticed something. He looked at Dean with concern. There was a look almost of fear in his eyes. Dean felt that it would be dangerous to continue the silence and let Captain Subtext draw his own, probably wrong conclusions. "It feels good to hear you call the bunker home." he said. The surprise on his friend's face told him he had been right to speak.

"It does?" said Cas.

"Of course it does. Haven't I just been telling you I want you to feel that way?"

"I ... " Cas fell silent, as if the words he had been about to say had fled.

"Talk to me, Cas." said Dean. He no longer cared that Jack was present.

Cas went to the window and stared out at the beehives. "I can't." he said.

"Whatever's gone wrong, whatever I've said or done, we can fix it." said Dean, "I screw up all the time. Have we finally found the thing you can't forgive?"

"There's nothing I can't forgive." said Cas and Dean heard the very slight emphasis on "I".

"What do you think you've done?" said Dean, "Because I can't even think of a thing I'm angry about."

"I read the books." said Cas.

"I know, but whether you were ordered to read them or Metatron put them into your head or you were just curious ... and I don't ever want to know which, by the way ... I refuse to let Chuck and his stupid books come between us. You read them and you know what they say and you still haven't given up on me, so that's a win for our friendship, not the end of it."

"There's something else." said Cas.

"Tell me." said Dean.

"I will, but not here and I need to talk to you alone."

"I can go." said Jack.

"I need time to think." said Cas.

Dean nodded. He had often asked the same from Cas and Cas had always allowed him time. "Whatever you need." he said, "But I'm ready to talk whenever you are." He glanced at Jack, who smiled sympathetically. He went over to the window and joined Cas in watching the bees around the hives. "Cas," he said, wishing he could be sure it was right to say it, but knowing he would never forgive himself for not saying it if it might be what Cas needed to hear, "Take all the time you need, but please stay with us. I don't want you out there, alone, feeling like you don't belong."

"Okay." said Cas.

"Okay." said Dean, "Now, Jack and I should take a look at Sarah's car."

"Because I don't understand the internal combustion engine?" said Cas.

"You don't need to." said Dean, "That's what I'm here for."


	45. Chapter 45

  
Sam was watching the tea swirl in his cup, wondering if he should be saying the things he was saying, feeling as if he were focusing far too much on his feelings and not on the things that mattered. Every time he tried to move the conversation to other things, Sarah would gently but firmly return to the subject of Sam and how he felt.

"I'm tired." he said, "All the time, I'm tired and I just want everything to stop, just for a little while, so I can catch my breath." He smiled. "Actually, that has pretty much happened. Here I am, taking a day off to visit a friend of a friend."

"Just a friend." said Sarah, "But you didn't sleep last night and you're worried about your brother and about Castiel and you're feeling bad for taking up my time, even though there is nothing I would rather be doing than talking to the man who repeatedly saves the world, but doesn't think he's worth anyone's attention."

"No, I'm that guy's brother." said Sam.

"Dean had a few years of childhood. Did you get any at all?" said Sarah.

"Yeah, I did, because of Dean. It wasn't easy, but he kept me a kid for as long as he could. He was amazing. Even now, he's more worried about me than about himself. That's why I'm reluctant to waste time on my issues."

"If we solve your issues, we can lift that worry right off off Dean's shoulders." she said.

"I don't think that's possible." he said.

"Nobody ever does." she said, "But I have a lot of experience."

"Of what?" said Sam.

"Of PTSD. Of grief. Of loss. Of people who have been through torture."

"Wow. Sounds like your life has been worse than mine."

She smiled. "No, my dear, but I have known a lot of people like you. Not at your scale of suffering, but the mechanisms of pain and denial are the same. And you're not the first person to fix on protecting a friend or relative as a way to gain some control, or to avoid dealing with the underlying pain."

"I don't do that." he said, "Certainly not since the Winchester Pact. Do you know about the Winchester Pact?"

"No. What is it?" she said.

He found the version he had saved on his phone and showed it to her. She read it in silence. As she read, he refilled her tea cup and cut her another slice of chocolate cake.

When she finished reading, she passed the phone back to him. "Oh, Sam, that's an unusual document. I'm impressed. Whose idea was it?"

"We all just decided we needed something, so you see, we are actively engaged in working on our issues and we are not at all in denial." he said.

"But you do keep trying to tell me what you deal with is less important than what Dean has to deal with."

"Dean thinks he's evil because, when he was in Hell, he was forced to become a torturer. Ever since that, he's gone from thinking his life is less important than mine or Dad's to thinking he is a monster who can never be saved. Who should never be saved. I came out of Hell angry, not hating myself. It's a big difference."

"How did Dean end up in Hell?" said Sarah.

"A crossroads deal with a demon. I was killed. Dean made a deal to bring me back. Most crossroads deals last for ten years, but they only gave Dean a year. That's a lousy deal and he took it."

"You're still angry about it." she said.

"Damn right, I'm angry." he said, "Dean never should have been in Hell. He went there to save me." He lifted his cup to his lips and swiftly put it down when he saw how obviously his hand was shaking.

"Dean and Castiel agree that you're the strongest. You don't have to hide anything here. My opinion of you is the same as theirs. It won't change because you show a flicker of human weakness. Leaders always have to sacrifice their feelings for the sake of morale, but you are not my leader. Here, you can just be Sam."

He almost argued, but she had an implacable look in her eye that he didn't want to challenge. Besides, he was tired. "I'm not sure I know how anymore." he said.

"I'm a very old lady and I'm a farmer. Both those things give me near infinite patience. I want you to keep coming here, with your brothers or without. You can call me before you come and I can make sure there's lots of cake or you can take your chances and turn up any time. I never go further than into town, so I will always be either here or about to be here. You can come here any time, day or night. You can also call me, or text me. I can text."

"You barely know me." said Sam, "I can't ask for all that."

"I don't think I asked you to ask for it." she said, "As to knowing you, I already know all of you from the things Castiel has said. You know how many relatives and friends I have visiting me here? Not one. Most I get is an occasional neighbour buying honey and they're good people and they check in on me if they don't see me around, but they don't talk about anything but the weather and you already know more about me than they do. I get lonely. I get bored. I serve no useful purpose here but to produce food and sometimes reassure an angel."

"Don't think that's a small contribution." said Sam, "I bet you're more than half the reason why he can handle all the things he has to deal with."

"So you think I'm effective?" she said.

"Very." said Sam.

"Then let me help you."

He looked into her blue eyes and saw boundless compassion and concern. She needed no familiarity to make her care about a stranger. Knowing that he needed help was all that was needed to make her see him as her problem.

"I'm used to dealing with stuff alone." he said.

"Yes." she said, "But you also fought Lucifer and won. I think you can break a few bad habits, with the right support."

"I can't promise anything at all." he said.

"No, because you refuse to make a promise you might have to break. I respect that. I don't need a promise. I just offer you one. I will always be here for you and for any or all of the people you love." She took his hand and said, "I'm adopting you, Sam Winchester. I never fought any real demons, but I can help you exorcise the metaphorical ones."


	46. Chapter 46

"How bad is it?" said Jack, when Dean had finished inspecting the engine of Sarah's old Ford. He hoped they could fix it. He liked Sarah a lot.

Dean wiped his hands on a rag. "It's not as bad as I feared, but not as good as I'd hoped. It's been a while since this poor thing had much attention."

"Sarah probably isn't very good with cars." said Jack.

Dean grinned. "No, she doesn't strike me as a mechanic. We just need to clean, lubricate and tone up just about everything. We're also gonna bring new tyres next time, because I don't trust the old ones. Are you ready to do some hard work removing rust?"

Jack nodded. He was looking forward to it. He watched closely as Dean showed him the technique and then he started work, with Dean watching until he was sure Jack was getting it right.

"Knew it." said Dean, "We finally have an angel who can do cars."

"Not an angel." said Jack, "And you shouldn't say that around Castiel. He thinks it's a criticism."

"Well, we're not around Castiel and you are half-archangel, which is close enough for me and you can do cars."

"Are you saying it is a criticism?" said Jack.

"No, I'm not saying that." said Dean. He looked tired and troubled.

"Sorry." said Jack, anxious to make amends.

"Never apologise for standing up for Cas." said Dean, "There's something on his mind and he needs all the friends he can get." Jack noticed that Dean did not ask if he knew what was troubling Castiel. He knew it was a deliberate choice. The look in Dean's eyes made it clear that he suspected Jack had some idea.

"I'm glad you told him not to leave." said Jack, "Sometimes he worries people don't want him around. I try to tell him it's not true, but he just looks at me like I'm a child and don't know what I'm saying."

"Yeah, he looks at me that way sometimes, too. It's an angel thing, I guess." Dean looked across to the farmhouse.

"Which are you more worried about, Sam or Castiel?" said Jack.

Dean immediately concentrated on the engine instead. "They're both in good hands." he said. Jack was aware of the unspoken request to change the subject.

"Would it be cheating to just shake off the rust?" said Jack.

"How do you mean, shake it off?" said Dean.

Jack gestured to the part he was working on and it started to vibrate. "Like that." he said as rust particles fell from the metal.

Dean inspected it for damage and smiled. "You shake it off." he said, "You have a lot of useful powers. Just do it slowly and carefully and if you find any cracks or areas where the rust has eaten through, you let me know."

"Okay." said Jack, smiling at the part about his usefulness.

"I don't suppose you know any way to do a quicker oil change?" said Dean.

"No, sorry." said Jack.

"Oh well, seems I can be useful too." said Dean, "Just in a much, much less pleasant way."

Jack smiled. "You love being covered in dust and oil and rust." he said.

"I love being able to do something constructive." said Dean.

"Yeah, I know the feeling." said Jack, "I sometimes feel like I'm the only person in the bunker who never does anything useful." He started the next little area shaking.

"Jack, everything you do is useful. What you are is the only person in the bunker who doesn't know how lucky we are to have you around, to talk to Mom, to remind Cas he matters, to be a friend to the outsiders, to work on research so Sam doesn't have to do everything, to think outside the box ... "

"What box?" said Jack.

Dean smiled. "To remind me how complicated language can be. You're important, Jack. You matter more than you think. And it's great that you are acquiring new skills and your powers will always be helpful, but don't ever think you need to be more than just Jack, because just Jack is amazing and we're glad we have him with us."

"Thanks." said Jack, "But I do want to be more and do more and help a lot more."

"I know you do and there's time for all that, but just keep in mind one simple fact, you are and always will be part of this family and a part we are very proud to know."

"Sarah's family too, now, isn't she?" said Jack.

"Yes, she is." said Dean.

"Good. I like her and I like her pie."

"Spoken like a true Winchester." said Dean.

Jack wondered whether Dean had any idea what that meant to him. He often wondered how far Dean was aware that he was everything Jack wanted to be. He thought it best not to say anything, because Dean would merely tell him he had picked the wrong brother, but Jack wanted to be like all of them, in all possible ways. Just getting to clean rust off an engine with Dean felt like a promotion and a privilege.


	47. Chapter 47

Sarah went to the front window and looked out. "Come and see this." she said to Sam. 

He went to stand beside her. Outside, Dean and Jack were laughing as they worked on the car. He hadn't seen Dean that happy in a while.

"It's good to see them laughing, isn't it, Sam?"

"It's great." he said, "Jack's so good for Dean. He's so optimistic and hopeful, a cure for Dean's negative moods. It's like he gives Dean permission to believe again." He watched them moving around the engine, still smiling. "Sometimes I feel bad that Dean becomes everyone's big brother, that he always finds someone else to become the priority and does nothing for himself or his own happiness, but the truth is, his peace, his joy, can only come from helping others, from taking care of someone. Out there, with Jack, he is more himself than he can ever be alone. The real Dean Winchester can't help but give to others." 

"I think you're right." said Sarah, "I think we are all most ourselves in the moments when we give love and encouragement to others. If I saw those two in the street, I would think they were father and son, not a hunter and the nephilim he once planned to kill. He's a good teacher."

"He always was." said Sam. Seeing Dean laugh again out there, he smiled himself.

"Jack seems to hang on his every word." she said.

"Yes." said Sam, "And he's so honest about it. Other people, they pretend not to care what others think or say, they protect themselves by acting cool about it. Jack just opens his heart to the world. I think that may be why Dean loves him so much. There's no game with Jack, no point-scoring or manipulation. Jack just loves the people he loves."

"He seems like such a sweet child."

"Don't call him a child. He hates that." said Sam.

"Sometimes, he looks at each of you with so much love and concern."

"Yes. He cares about others, much more than himself. I don't think he's ever had a selfish thought in his head. That's the biggest difference between him and Lu... his father. His father would burn worlds, just to get what he wants. Jack would lay down his life for someone he hadn't even met. Jack's pure. Jack's selfless. There's no evil in him."

"Well, good and evil aren't things you can be born or can become." said Sarah, "Good and evil are the daily choices we make. Sometimes the hourly choices."

"I agree." said Sam, "A demon called Azazel wanted me to be evil, fed me his blood and everything. I was marked for evil. I was destined to be Lucifer's vessel and I made mistakes, but in the end, I was still able to make another choice. I always told Jack, what matters is what he chooses to do with his power. Every time, he makes the right choice. Every time, he chooses to do good. And not just with his power. Look at him out there, using laughter to bring Dean back from the abyss."

"With any child, nephilim or not, what matters is what they are shown by those closest to them. Jack sees you and Dean and dear Castiel, choosing again and again to do what is good and loving and compassionate, even when it's dangerous to do so. You treat him with kindness and love. You forgive his mistakes and you support his dreams. When he goes out into the wider world, his first impulse is always the loving one."

"It's not just our influence. He feels a strong bond with his mother, Kelly Kline, who was everything we want Jack to be, except pregnant by Lucifer." He knew she noticed the involuntary tension that followed the mention of the name. The look on her face was sympathetic, but troubled. "I'm okay." he said.

"You're a lot better than okay, my dear." she said, "You're a mountain of strength. So it bothers you to say the name of someone who hurt, used, tortured and violated your soul in every possible way. You think anyone could come out of that with a relaxed attitude to the name?"

"I need to learn to, because every time that name makes me react, Dean and Cas worry."

"That, too, is normal." she said, "I'd be worried about both if they were indifferent to your pain."

"I need to learn to live with it. I need to put the past behind me." he said, "Dean hardly ever laughs. Cas is ... he's not himself. Instead of worrying them, I should be the one giving them support."

"I can help you to support them, but I won't encourage martyrdom. You worry them more by concealing your suffering than you would by letting them help you through it. Don't imagine that they would be fooled by an act. They know you too well."

He looked out at Dean again. Dean was leaning against Sarah's car, explaining something to Jack and Jack was listening attentively. "I wish he could be that happy all the time."

"So do I." said Sarah, "But one step at a time. Whose birthday is next?"

"That would be Dean's, January 24th, but he never celebrates it."

"No, I thought he probably didn't. Perhaps we can find some pretext to bring him here that day. Now, when is yours?"

"May 2nd." he said.

"Which you don't celebrate either, but you will next year, for me, won't you?"

He smiled. "Why not?"

"Good. I won't have to lure you here secretly, then. I know Castiel's, September 18th."

"Cas was never born." said Sam.

"No, but when I told him he needed a birthday, he chose that one. When is Jack's?"

"May 18th, but that's more of a problem. He may not want to celebrate, as his mother died giving birth to him."

"That's a good point. We may need to ask him what date he would like to celebrate. What plans do you have for Christmas? Or don't you celebrate that either?"

"Not often, not well, but this year, if we're all together, if we're all still alive, we'll probably have a quiet family Christmas and you know family includes you, right?"

"You need to celebrate things." said Sarah, "You want Dean to have some happiness? Find some joy yourself. Just as your pain is healed by his laughter, his is healed by yours. Imagine what good it could do you all to celebrate his birthday in January."

Sam had been thinking. "September 18th is the day Dean got out of Hell."

"Yes, Castiel sees that as his own rebirth." said Sarah.


	48. Chapter 48

Dean looked at their work so far and patted Jack's shoulder. "Time for a break and I may as well get the tyres from the bunker."

"Do you want me to come with you?" said Jack, hoping Dean would say no.

"I'll take Sam." said Dean, "You stay here with Cas and Sarah."

Jack followed Dean into the house. Sarah came over to them. "You've both been working hard. I'll get you some cold drinks."

"Not for me, thanks. I just need to get the oil off." said Dean.

"My kitchen is yours." said Sarah, "Have you finished for now?"

"That's up to you," said Dean, "There are two options, you promise not to use that car until I've changed the tyres or I can go now, get new tyres and do it tonight. I personally prefer the latter."

"I'm not sure I can afford new tyres." she said.

"You don't need to. I have plenty of spares at home." said Dean, "You've been helping our family for a long time. Let us do something for you." He turned to Sam and said, "Sam, do you have enough energy to help lift some tyres?"

Jack saw Sam's brief annoyance, but then he said, "Of course."

"We'll be back in a little over an hour." said Dean, scrubbing the last of the oil from his hands. Jack took his place at the sink.

Castiel came downstairs and stood silently by the table. Jack found his face unreadable. "I thought you would come down soon after we did." he said.

Castiel answered indirectly, turning to Sarah and saying, "I was cleaning your son's room."

"That was good of you." she said.

"You have a son?" said Jack. From the look on her face, he instantly knew he had used the wrong tense.

"He died a long time ago." she said, "He was just twenty-two years old. He helped me choose that rustbucket out there, which is why I will never give it up."

"I'm sorry." said Jack, "What was his name?"

"Most people don't ask that." she said, "Most people quickly change the subject, as if it's hearing his name that hurts. He was Carl. He was my world. He died in a senseless accident caused by a drunk driver who ploughed into him on campus."

"What was he like?" said Jack. He could see in her eyes the longing to talk about her child.

He had the brightest blue eyes." she said, "Dark brown hair, like his father. He was clever. He loved college and he excelled there. He was always happy, always looking for something good he could be doing. When his father died, he was my strength. Then I lost him too."

"I'm sorry." said Dean, "That must have been hard."

"To tell you the truth, I didn't handle it well." she said, "For seven years, after his death, I was just hiding, from the pain, from the world, from life. Eventually, I realised that wasn't working, so I got back into aid work. I decided the way out of self-pity was to help people who had lost more than I had."

"Helping others does make life easier." said Dean. 

"It worked well, but not at all in the way I expected." she said, "I thought I'd distract myself from pain by concentrating on other people, but instead, I found I was forced to confront my loss. One day, talking to a woman who had survived torture of the most horrific kind and the death of all her family, I told her about Carl and she hugged me and she said, 'I will pray for you to find peace.' And I thought, if this woman, who has endured pain I cannot imagine, can find compassion for others no matter what her condition or theirs, so can I. I threw myself into showing love to the ones who needed it most." She looked into Dean's eyes and said, "Even those who have done things for which they cannot forgive themselves."

Jack saw Dean's almost imperceptible nod of acknowledgement.

"You should go, Dean and Sam." said Sarah, "If Castiel and Jack would like to help me, we can get a meal ready for when you finish with the car." 

"We may have to move in here permanently." said Dean.

"I'm not sharing my room." said Castiel. He smiled at Jack.

Dean nudged Sam. "Come on, Sammy. Time to go."

When Sam and Dean had gone, Sarah said, "I hope they talk. Sam needs his brother and Dean needs to help." She turned to Castiel and said, "What's on your mind, my dear?"

"Dean asked me to stick around." he said.

"I told you he wanted you to." she said.

"Yes, I know, but he actually asked me to."

"So now you believe me?" she said.

"I told you too." said Jack, "We're family. We belong together."

"You certainly do." said Sarah. She looked into Jack's eyes with a look of such love that he felt it like a hug. "Thankyou for asking about Carl." she said.

"Tell me more about him." said Jack, "Tell me everything. Then I'll tell you about my mother. We need to remember them. We need to say their names."

"Yes, we do." said Sarah. She looked at Castiel again. "You still seem troubled, my angel."

"Yes," he said, "But troubled is better than homeless and alone."

"You'll never be alone." said Jack, "Whatever happens, you'll always have me, Castiel."


	49. Chapter 49

Dean looked across the car to Sam, who was slumped against the window, his eyes closed. "Are you really asleep, or pretending to be asleep to avoid talking to me?" he said.

"I'm really asleep." said Sam, not opening his eyes.

"Good, because it would be an awkward trip otherwise."

"Yeah, it would." said Sam.

They went on in silence for some miles, Dean wondering how he could start any kind of conversation and also wondering whether he should. Sam was genuinely exhausted and communication between them was never good when one or both happened to be that tired.

It was getting towards evening and the sun would soon set. The coming of darkness was no problem for his work on the car. There were ample lights of various kinds in the trunk and he had repaired cars in much worse conditions, one in particular.

"Dean," said Sam, "I should say, I know why you took us to see Sarah today."

"She wanted to meet you and Jack." said Dean, "How was your sleep?"

"Not bad, for a fictional nap." said Sam, "But I've stopped pretending and so should you. You thought she could get through to me when you couldn't."

"Yes. Did she?"

"She did, actually. I know why you went behind my back and I know you think I'm pissed about it, but I'm not. I wanna thank you, because she gave me a better perspective on things."

"Is there more detail available on that?" said Dean, looking at his brother.

Sam smiled slightly. "Dude, I'm half asleep. I'm not even sure I remember what we talked about, but I know she gave me hope. I've been worrying that you're giving up, that maybe you gave up a long time ago. She doesn't believe that."

"Good, because I'm not close to giving up. I will never give up, on you or on the fight."

"I was afraid you'd given up on you." said Sam.

Dean wasn't sure what to say. He wished he could laugh at the very idea, but it was a realistic fear, given his history. He sometimes shared it himself. "Sarah's great, isn't she?" he said.

"Sarah's wonderful. That was heartbreaking, about her son."

"Yeah. I was wondering how she got to know so much about pain and trauma. She clawed her way out of a very dark place and then found her salvation by clawing her way deeper in, just to pull others out."

"She's you, but with less blood and gore." said Sam.

"Ha!" said Dean, "I don't think so."

"How's Cas?" said Sam.

"He's not himself. Something's eating away at him and he won't tell me what. I made him promise not to leave. Recently, I've had the feeling he doesn't want to be around us, or around the bunker, anyway."

"I get the feeling he thinks he's not wanted." said Sam.

"Well, I told him he is. I can figure this out, if he doesn't leave. At least it sounds like you're heading in the right direction. I am sorry that I didn't do it more honestly, but I'm not sorry I put you in a position where you would have to talk to her."

"I'd have done the same thing for you." said Sam. He laughed quietly. "None of us can be trusted."

"Not a bit." said Dean, "If it makes you feel any better, I also got her to help with Jack and Cas. She has a real understanding of the human soul and the angelic ... well, whatever they have in place of souls. I think her knowledge of Cas could be very useful."

"I think you're right." said Sam.

"So, do you think you might sleep tonight?"

"I'm tired enough." said Sam.

"Yeah, but has that giant brain stopped fizzing and popping enough?"

"I guess we'll find out. How about you?"

"Don't worry about me." said Dean.

"Yeah, that's exactly the kind of response that worries me." said Sam.

"Seriously, I'm fine." said Dean.

"Pact fine?"

"Pact fine."

"Promise?" said Sam.

"Promise."

"You know, Sarah could help you too."

"If I needed help, which, as we've just established, I don't."

"Okay." said Sam.

"You sound like you have doubts." said Dean.

"No, I'm pretty certain what I think." said Sam.

"Good. Great." said Dean, "Look, given that I am fine and you're trying to get back to fine, I think I should take over the book thing with Mom."

"And deal with Cas and look after me and burn out in a week?" said Sam.

"I don't burn out. I went to Hell and I didn't burn out." said Dean.

"I can handle the books."

"Right now, you couldn't handle a sedated hamster."

"I don't want you to read them. I don't want you to relive that stuff."

"Well, I don't want you to either?" said Dean.

"Maybe we should talk to Sarah about it?"

Dean smiled. He and Sarah were on the same wavelength. "Good idea." he said.

"You agree?"

"I'm not saying she gets the last word, but Sarah's sane and sensible and I think her opinion deserves consideration." said Dean.

"She really is special, isn't she?" said Sam.


	50. Chapter 50

Jack enjoyed hearing about Carl Kranz. His life had been brief, but full of love and generosity and enthusiasm. Lots of people who lived decades longer made less difference to the world around them. Sarah brushed away a few tears as she spoke of him and her voice sometimes faltered, but she smiled a lot too.

She showed him a photo album filled with pictures of family happiness and every time he saw the big, warm grin of Carl Kranz, he loved him a little more, especially when he saw pictures of him with his arms around his mother, lowering his head to negate a large height disparity and looking as if the only thing he wanted to do was be at her side forever.

Forever was a relative term for humans and not only humans.

Castiel had gone to fetch the meat for the stew from the deep freeze in the cellar. Jack, conscious of his Dad's excellent hearing, whispered to Sarah, "Could I have a copy of that photograph of you and Carl outside the house?"

"Why do you want it, dear?" she asked.

"Because I love you both and because I want to be like Carl, to make good use of whatever time I have."

"Jack, you're immortal." she said, looking troubled.

"Technically, yes, but ... If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone else, especially not Dean, Sam and Castiel?"

"Of course." she said.

His volume dropped even more. He breathed, more than whispered the words, "I've always felt that I won't be here long. I've always believed that anything I want to do has to be done soon."

"Oh, my dear, it's hard to hear you say that."

He smiled to reassure her. "It's not a bad thing. My time around the Winchesters has taught me that length of life is not as important as what you do with it. I just need to make sure I do enough. Carl wasn't less important because he left early. He made his life matter. He made every day count. If I can do that, I can die without regret."

"Yes, but don't become fatalistic. You fight for every day, Jack, because those who love you will never be as philosophical about your death as you are. If anything were set in stone, dearest Castiel would not have rebelled."

"Unless his rebellion was also set in stone." said Jack.

"Do you think it was?" said Sarah.

Jack considered it. "No." he said, "No, he and the Winchesters write their own story."

"And you're a Winchester too, so never let anyone else write yours, or end it early." she said, "I have a copy of that photograph in a box somewhere. I'll find it for you."

Castiel came up the stairs from the cellar, carrying a large dish filled with beef. "I thawed out the meat. What else do you need?"

"Thanks for doing that, Castiel." she said, "Your powers can be very useful. I'll need some herbs, a little garlic. You know the herb garden as well as I do, you can fetch some later. For now, I want to talk to both of you. Things are not easy at the bunker, are they?"

"We're not supposed to talk about that." said Jack, "It's confidential."

"We can talk about it to Sarah." said Castiel.

"Castiel, Sam and Dean all agree that you can talk to me." said Sarah,

"Sarah wouldn't lie about that." said Castiel, "Which means she is an exception to all our non-disclosure agreements and also means that she has been asked by Dean or Sam or both to talk to us, just as I asked her to talk to them." He looked at Sarah accusingly.

"Don't be angry, with them or with me." she said, "Dean asked me. Sam worked out that Dean or you had asked me and he agreed to talk anyway. He needed someone to talk to, bless him. So do you, especially if you can't talk to Dean. They love you both and they're worried."

"Worried about me?" said Jack.

"Yes, dear. They worry that being a part of their family might put you under pressures you're not ready for. They worry that your heart is bigger than your strength."

"You have to tell them I'm fine." said Jack.

Castiel shook his head. "Those words will be on all our gravestones, the big Winchester lie."

"I am fine." Jack insisted.

"Castiel, you are forbidden to die." said Sarah.

"It really isn't up to me." said Castiel.

"No, it's up to us." said Jack and we've decided you're not expendable."

"No gravestones, for anyone." said Sarah, "I have been to enough funerals."

"Well, we'd be burned anyway, a hunter's funeral." said Castiel.

"Enough, Castiel. No dying." she said. She smiled at Jack. "Sam said lovely things about you, about how unselfish you are, how you always choose the right thing to say or do."

"Sam said that?"

"Yes. He loves you very much. They all do. So if they show concern, it's only because they never want their problems to hurt you."

Jack met Castiel's eyes and smiled. "When they share their problems with me, it's not pain I feel, but love. They trust me. They will be honest with me. They show me their weaknesses and fears. I'm a nephilim. Who would trust Lucifer's nephilim son? Only my family. Only Sam and Dean and Castiel."

"Maybe you really are fine." said Castiel.

"I am. I really am. And when I'm not, I can say so, because if Dean Winchester can admit he's not okay, anyone can."

"Dean Winchester often can't." said Castiel.

"He's learning to and he's been very honest with me recently." said Jack.

"Good." said Sarah, "That can only be good for both of you."


	51. Chapter 51

  
Sam helped Dean to load the tyres onto the trailer. They had offered a quick explanation to Bobby before declining their mother's invitation to eat. Mary seemed to have everything under control and Sam was mildly disappointed that his absence did not seem to have made a difference.

"Why is this so urgent?" he asked Dean, "Or was this just because you wanted to talk to me?"

"You have a very suspicious nature." said Dean.

"Yeah, blame my brother." said Sam.

"Your brother is a frickin' saint." said Dean.

"So is Michael." said Sam.

Dean patted the last of the tyres. "This is urgent because her car is not fit to drive and if Cas knew a thing about cars, he wouldn't have let her near it for some time. But Cas doesn't know or want to know about cars, so she's been driving a death trap."

"You keep talking about Cas and cars. He uses cars because he has to now. It doesn't mean he has to like them. Why are you so angry that he doesn't?"

"I'm not angry. Why does everyone think I'm angry all the time?"

"Because you are angry all the time." said Sam.

"Yeah, well, being told I'm angry makes me angry."

"He's not doing it to annoy you. He just doesn't have any interest in cars."

"I know." said Dean.

"And if you tell him it matters to you, he'll fake an interest and maybe even learn how to do the basic maintenance."

"And you think I want him to do that?"

"I don't know what you want and neither does Cas."

"I want to know that when he's out there, on his own, he can keep his car running and take care of himself." said Dean, "Does that seem unreasonable?"

"No, that makes perfect sense." said Sam, "Why don't you tell him that?"

"Because he's an angel and he'll hear it as me saying he's weak and useless and can't look after himself or his vehicle."

"Yeah, I suppose he could hear it that way." said Sam.

"Especially now, when he's already feeling low. Anything I say will sound like a criticism and if he thinks I don't like him or don't respect him, he will just leave." Dean checked the coupling on the trailer again and said, "We should get going. I want to make that car safe. The cosmetic stuff can wait, but that can't. Grab the box marked 'Brakes and shakes'. I want to be sure the brakes are good too."

"Shakes?" said Sam.

"Don't question my system." said Dean, "I know what it means."

"I'm sure you do." said Sam.

"You could say that in a different tone." said Dean, "Awed respect works well for me."

"Don't get me wrong," said Sam, "I'm glad you're so concerned for Sarah's safety and there is no-one better qualified to make that car safe, but are you sure all this is necessary and not just something to do so you don't need to talk to Sarah?"

"I've been talking to Sarah the whole time." said Dean, but the flicker of his eyes away from direct eye contact suggested he wasn't sure.

"Good, just checking." said Sam, who knew that it was the wrong time to have that argument. "She really loves Cas, doesn't she?" he said.

Dean smiled. "Yeah, she really does. It's weird to think they've had this whole secret friendship for years and he never told us."

"I think it stops being a secret friendship if you tell people." said Sam.

"We're not people." said Dean.

"And now he's told us."

"He took me there when I was ... Well, I wasn't in a good place. I think he thought I needed the place that had brought him peace after ... "

"After he took on my Hell." said Sam.

"I didn't mean to ... "

"No, I know. It's cool."

"I think, if he hadn't thought I needed it, he'd never have told me the place or Sarah existed."

"But he told her all about us."

"I know. Makes you wonder whether it means he trusts her more than us. He probably can trust her more than us. Hell, I trust her more than us." Dean ran a weary hand through his hair. "Do you ever just get sick and tired of being a Winchester?"

"All the time." said Sam, "Then I remember the good stuff."

"There's good stuff?" said Dean.

"All kinds of good stuff." said Sam, "For example, I am going, with the brother who would die for me and has died for me to help an old lady who has fixed our angel more times than we know and then to eat with her and our angel and our half-archangel kid. Not many people can say that."

"We can't say that, anywhere any civilians can hear us. We'd be locked up for the rest of forever."

"But I can say it to you." said Sam, "And that means a lot."

"When you get tired, you get sentimental." said Dean, "Always have."

"Probably." said Sam.

"But it means a lot to me, too. Whatever we've had to face, whatever we still have to face, it would be so much harder alone. If I didn't have you, little brother, I wouldn't be half as close to sane as I think I am now."

"You're tired too." said Sam.

Dean smiled. "Yeah, maybe a little. Let's go, before we're both too tired to drive."


	52. Chapter 52

The stew was cooking and the smell was filling the warm kitchen. Cas was sitting at the table with Jack and Sarah. It felt so easy and peaceful and right to be with them. Jack was showing Sarah a picture of his mother that Sam had printed for him, a screenshot from the video she had made for him. Cas hadn't known that he was carrying it with him. Seeing it made him happy. He had always hoped that Jack would love his mother, even if he could not know her.

"She had such a sweet smile." said Sarah, "You look a lot like her, Jack."

"Do you think she was beautiful?" said Jack, "I think she was."

"Oh yes, my dear, she was very beautiful and from what Castiel has told me, she was brave and loving and kind too."

"Yes." said Jack, "Before I was born, I could feel all of that. She loved me. Even when everyone told her I was evil, she saw only good."

Sarah patted his hand. "Nobody sees as clearly as a mother. There is only good in you, Jack." She looked at the photograph again. "I know I would have liked Kelly Kline. I know she would be very proud of her son."

"She would." said Cas, "She always believed in him and it would make her so happy to see how right she was."

"We wanted to ask you, Jack." she said, "I like to celebrate birthdays, but I know yours is also the day she died. It may be that you don't want to celebrate on that day."

"Would it be wrong?" said Jack, looking concerned.

"No," said Cas, "This is not a judgement issue, this is about your feelings and we cannot know what those are. Whatever feels right to you, is right."

"You might want to choose another day that's significant to you, or you might feel you want to celebrate that day and also commemorate your mother." said Sarah, "We just want to know what you want and you don't have to decide now."

"That day is the day I was born. Her last thoughts were of joy and her love for me. The loss of her was hard and I miss her, but I think she would want me to celebrate on that day. She gave her life for me, the greatest act of love there is. I also want to remember her sacrifice."

"Then we'll celebrate both of you." said Sarah.

"Does Dean have a birthday?" said Jack, "I mean, everyone does, don't they? So Dean must."

"We'll be celebrating his in January." said Sarah, "Don't tell him that, because we need to spring it on him."

"He doesn't know it's his birthday?" said Jack.

"He doesn't think anyone cares about it." she said.

Cas thought that Dean was fairly likely to leave instantly if he suspected he might become the centre of attention, but he didn't say so. As with the promises of a road trip, the planned parties depended on there being a time of peace and inactivity, and such times were very rare for the Winchesters. Planning the celebrations gave her joy, as planning a road trip gave Dean hope and he was reluctant to rob either by reminding his friends of the harsh realities.

"You're quiet." said Sarah to Cas.

"Yes, usually." he said.

At the same moment, both he and Jack sat up straight, having heard the familiar sound of the Impala. "They're back." said Jack, hurrying to get to the door and open it. 

Sam and Dean came in.

Dean sniffed the air. "Oh, that smells good! Sam and I will get the tyres done and then ... "

"Sam's tired." said Cas, "I'll help you in a minute."

"You?" said Dean. 

Cas tried not to show how the single syllable offended him. "I can change tyres." he said.

"Okay." said Dean, "I'll wait for you outside."

"Good." said Cas. When Dean had gone, he said to Sam, "I have to tell him about what happened."

"What happened?" said Sam.

"That I knew his thoughts." said Cas, "How can I put that without it making him angry?"

Sam smiled. "You don't have to, Cas, I told him about it. He wasn't angry, just a little uneasy."

Cas felt a moment of panic. "You told him? Just now, on your way here?"

"No, last night, when we talked in his room." said Sam.

"He's known this whole time?" said Cas.

"Yes, he has." said Sam, "And he's not angry. Is that what's been bothering you? I'm sorry I told him. I didn't know you wanted to keep it a secret."

Sarah smiled. "Sounds like you had nothing to worry about."

"I'll still worry, if you don't mind." said Cas, "I still have to talk to him about it."

"Yes," said Sam, "You two should talk."


	53. Chapter 53

When Cas joined Dean at the car, Dean said, "Listen, I never meant to suggest you couldn't do this."

"Good." said Cas, "I'm not completely useless."

"Cas, you're one of the most useful people we have." said Dean.

Cas backed away a little, trying to focus his mind on something so he didn't accidentally read Dean's thoughts and feelings.

"What's wrong?" said Dean.

Cas bent and lifted the car. "Let's get this done." he said.

"See? Useful." said Dean, getting down to work.

"I know that Sam told you about me picking up on your feelings when he was reading that book with Mary." said Cas.

"Right." said Dean.

"Right?" said Cas.

"Not sure what you want me to say." said Dean.

"I'm aware that I've been invading your privacy and I know how you feel about that."

"Not intentionally." said Dean, "Not by choice."

"That doesn't matter, to either of us."

"Cas, that's all that matters." said Dean, "You're not prying, you're just hearing or feeling or whatever. So that's what you've been freaking out about?"

"Aren't you?" said Cas.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, a little bit, but I'm not blaming you. You couldn't help it. It's just something that happened to both of us and we'll figure it out together. We're a team, Cas and you should have told me sooner that this was an issue."

"I wanted to just kill it without having to get you involved."

"I think I'm involved." said Dean, "Are you sure you can hold her long enough, because I don't want you or the car damaged."

"I won't drop your car." said Cas.

"What did you mean, kill it?" said Dean.

"There has to be a way to block the signal."

"Yeah." said Dean, sounding doubtful.

"It might take some finding. Angel experts are rare these days, angels, almost extinct. I've tried some mental exercises and I'm not picking up anything now, but I don't feel like the channel is closed."

"Do we have any idea what opened it?" said Dean.

"Sarah thinks it happened because of that time I showed you how I see you and then in Stull Cemetery, when you let me read your mind. I've been able to shut out the mental and emotional energies of humans for a long time, but we deliberately made the connection and for some reason, it stayed open to a degree."

"That sweet old lady in there came up with that?"

"That sweet old lady in there has been talking to me about angels for years. She knows a lot and she can conjecture more. She may be able to help me think of a way to close the connection, hopefully without needing anything stuck into my brain."

"And you want it closed?" said Dean.

"Of course, as much as you do." said Cas. He wanted nothing between them that could make Dean trust him less.

"Okay, then we'll find a way." said Dean, "Just don't do anything stupid. Don't do any random, head-altering stuff. This is not a dangerous thing. It's weird and uncomfortable for both of us, but as long as the only angel with direct access to my thoughts is you, I'm not about to lose sleep over it. We fix it when we can, but until then, we just accept that it's how things are."

Cas said nothing. Dean was not reacting at all how he had expected him to. He was waiting for a more typical Dean response.

"Cas, did you hear me? No needles to the head, no crazy magical ways to deaden your mind. You take no risks. You do nothing that doesn't make absolute sense to both of us, agreed?"

"I wasn't planning to use a sledgehammer." said Cas.

"I can live with you knowing what I'm thinking."

"It's mostly about what you're feeling." said Cas.

"That too. I can handle it. I don't feel a lot anyway. What I can't handle is losing our MVP because he was trying to close the communication. I need a promise, Cas. You do nothing that could backfire and cause lasting damage."

"I'm not stupid." said Cas.

"I never said you were, but you don't care what happens to you and you know that we do. So I want that promise."

"You're very overprotective." said Cas, trying not to show how much that meant to him.

"Yeah. Blame that on Sam. I can't switch off the big brother stuff. You still haven't promised."

"I promise." said Cas.

"Good. We'll find our way out of this together. You're okay with the fact that Sam told me? He didn't do it to cause trouble."

"I'm glad he told you. I've only hesitated to tell you myself because I thought you'd never trust me again. I thought you didn't know. I thought I had to find a way of telling you that convinced you that I wasn't a threat to you. I never wanted this to happen. I never knew it could happen. I need you to believe that."

"Cas, I've known you too long to imagine anything else." said Dean.

"When Sam told me you knew before you asked me to stay ... "

"You thought I'd want you to leave?"

"Of course I did." said Cas.

"Cas, I'm lying awake at night wondering how I can make you want to stick around."

"I've told you before, I don't want to go anywhere."

"Yeah, and then you say things that sound very close to goodbye."

"So do you." said Cas.

"I never mean them that way." said Dean.

"Neither do I. In Heaven, I'm not wanted or respected. On Earth, I have no great talent for integration. The only places where I feel like me are here, with Sarah and with you, at the bunker. I really don't want to end up alone."

"You sit in corners. You say nothing. You never have an opinion unless I force you to find one." said Dean.

"I want to be as little trouble as possible."

"I know you do." said Dean.

"Isn't that a good thing?" said Cas.

"You have an open window to my mind and you don't know?" said Dean.

"I am trying very hard not to use that window." said Cas.

"Sam could explain everything. I can't. It's weird, Cas. Even with this weird mind link thing, we just don't communicate. It'a my fault, I know it is. You need uncomplicated explanations and I just don't have them to give. I hate how much you feel like an outsider."

"To you?"

"No! Not to me. To yourself."

Jack came out of the house. "Can I help?" he said.

Cas let Dean give him permission. The conversation was over.


	54. Chapter 54

With the others outside, Sam and Sarah went to sit in the parlour. Sam found himself looking around the room at all the photographs, loved ones now lost to Sarah. He felt bad that she had nobody left in the world, but he knew that Cas had become a kind of family to her and now the rest of them had too. He hoped they could all give her the support and love she was giving them.

"You seem a little more at ease." said Sarah, "Or maybe you're just too tired to be tense."

"Probably both." said Sam, "Dean and I talked and I think he's doing better, for which I can only blame you. Thanks for whatever you said to him, or maybe the things you let him say to you. I often think his biggest problem is having no-one to talk to. I'd hoped Mom might be the one, but she's just another person he wants to protect."

"Do you talk to your mother?" said Sarah.

"Yeah, actually, I do. She's a good listener. And now that we don't need to hide the things in the books, I can say even more to her."

"It must have been strange, to get to know your mother after losing her so young."

"I think it's been easier for me than for Dean. She and I were starting at zero, but Dean has been cherishing memories of her all his life. It took a while for him to adjust to the real thing. It's good now, though. We're a family again."

"That's wonderful." said Sarah, "I hope I'll get to meet your mother one day."

"I'm sure you will." said Sam. His eyes almost closed. He had not felt so tired in a long time.

"If you fall asleep, I won't be offended." she said, "I know you've been running yourself into the ground. Your own health means nothing to you if your brothers need you."

Sam smiled. "I need to stay awake, or Dean will eat all the food. I hope he and Cas will be okay now. They drive me crazy. There is nothing either wouldn't do for the other, but sometimes, they're barely on speaking terms. Dad had this talent for making his best friends his enemies. Dean isn't quite that bad, but he says stupid things in the heat of the moment and Cas doesn't have the filters I do. He doesn't hear 'Dean is being a jerk again.' He hears, 'Dean is angry with me.' Then he goes off to sulk and Dean feels bad and Dean could fix it all with a few words, but he can't face Cas and I just want to knock their heads together and say, 'You're best friends! Act like it!' But it has been better since the Pact. We're all getting better at talking to each other since the Pact."

"You and Castiel are good friends too." she said.

"I love the guy. How can you not love someone like him? Every thought in his head is about how to make things better for us, for humanity, for the world. He doesn't always know how to get it done and some of his mistakes have been horrific, but he is always acting from the purest of motives and the more time he spends around humans, the more he understands and the more effectively he chooses the right path."

"He says you help him with that."

"We try."

"He trusts your judgement, Sam. He admires you a lot."

"I don't know why." said Sam. 

"Winchesters seem not to see their own fine qualities." said Sarah.

"That's always been Dean's problem. Mine, I think, could be arrogance."

"I never met a less arrogant man." she said.

"Well, I know that isn't true, because you've met Castiel and Jack."

"Neither is technically a man." she said, "And our angel of the lord has been arrogant at times."

"He used to have the certainty of someone doing Heaven's will." said Sam, "Now, though, he doesn't have that and that makes things so much harder for him. He's harder on himself than even Dean is sometimes. He thinks he should be perfect, act perfectly, always make the right decision and when he's wrong, he doesn't just feel bad, he seems to die a little."

"That seems like a family trait." said Sarah.

"What really impresses me is that he feels that way and could be paralysed with fear of making a mistake, but he still tries, every time. He still takes the chance. And though Heaven doesn't give him anything, these days, he is still serving what he wants Heaven to be."

"Yes, I've noticed that too. Every failure torments him, but he will not stop trying. But he says it's easier with you and Dean to guide him."

"I'm not sure we do a lot of that." said Sam.

The others came in from outside and went to wash their hands in the kitchen. "I'll serve the food." said Cas.

"Thankyou, my dear." said Sarah, setting out the cutlery.


	55. Chapter 55

Dean looked around the table as he ate some of the best stew he had ever tasted. Cas sat with them, though he didn't eat, Jack was on one side of him, Sarah on the other. Sam sat between Sarah and Dean. He knew that he had been right to bring them all to Sarah's house and he also knew that, at the time, his decision to get her to talk to all of them without them knowing he was behind it was a good one, but now, almost everyone knew and further concealment was unnecessary and possibly harmful.

"I'd like to say something." he said.

"Say anything, dear." said Sarah.

"We're all friends here. More than friends. We're family. I know I play fast and loose with your trust and I hide more than I should and sometimes, each one of you must want to punch me."

"Not so far." said Sarah with a smile.

"I love you all and when I go behind your backs, as I did today when I asked Sarah to talk to all of you and make sure you were okay, I do it out of love. I just didn't know how else to help you and it was killing me. I want to be the one who can fix anything, but I am learning, slowly, that sometimes, it isn't me that can do that."

"Sometimes, you're the one who needs to be fixed." said Sam.

"Which is why I also asked Sarah to talk to him." said Cas.

"Ah." said Dean, "Well, we never got around to that."

"We did a little." said Sarah.

"Have I been played?" said Dean.

She smirked. "I'm just an old lady. I'm sure I wouldn't know how to do that. But we've talked a bit and I hope we'll talk a lot more. All of you need to be so careful, all the time, weighing every word, but here, you can be honest, with me and perhaps also with each other. I'll always keep your confidences, but I'll also encourage you to share more with each other."

"I'm trying to," said Dean, "I honestly am."

"We all are." said Sam.

"Whichever one I speak to," said Sarah, "One message comes through, loud and clear, you each love all of the others. You would do anything for them and they would do anything for you. Trust in that, believe in that, because that is rare and precious and has saved you all, many times."

"That's very true." said Dean.

Sam's phone vibrated. He took it out and read the text. "Hunters home from Killeen. Good hunt, all safe."

"Did they stop off in Austin for some beer?" said Dean.

Sam sent a reply. There was a swift response. "Yes," he said, "They got some beer."

"Okay. What were we saying?" said Dean.

"Honesty, love and brotherhood." said Sarah.

"Sounds good to me." said Sam.

"In the bunker, we all have to watch our step." said Dean, "It's not a great place to show weakness."

"Humanity is not a weakness." said Sarah.

"To show anything but the reassuring illusion of invulnerability." said Dean.

"Yeah, maybe in the bunker," said Sam, "But you don't need to be invulnerable to me."

"I spent so long learning how to seem that way for you, it's kinda hard to drop it now." said Dean.

"I have the same problem. I had to be worthy of your respect and sometimes, the thought of not being enough is scary."

"How can you ever think you're not enough? You're Superman." said Dean.

"I remember every single time I let you down." said Sam.

"Do you remember all the times you picked me up when I failed and fell? Do you remember the times when you believed in me, made me believe, when I was ready to give up? Do you remember how many times I let you down and you forgave me?" said Dean.

"If he doesn't," said Cas, "You and I do."

"Hunters talk about me like I'm something special. So do monsters. Dean Winchester, the great hunter! I'm nothing without you three. I fight because you give me the strength to. I fight because if I surrender, I let you down. I fight because this world, that never did me any favours, matters to me as long as you three depend on it."

"I fight because a righteous man and his courageous brother showed me what humanity is worth and why all angels should fall to their knees before it." said Cas.

"I told you before, any grovelling to me and you'll get hurt." said Dean.

"You have a weird way of responding to affection." said Sam.

"That's not affection, that's different." said Dean.

"You and Dean are equals, Castiel." said Sarah.

"Not even close!" said Dean.

"On that, we can agree." said Cas.

"And each of you is sure the other is better." said Sarah.

"He's an angel."

"And you a mere human? Who has fought at his side against evil. Have some more stew, everyone. There's plenty."

"Without Dean, I would be nothing." said Cas.

"You were without me for millions of years." said Dean.

"So I know what I'm talking about."

"Without all of you," said Jack, "I would be Lucifer."

"Not a chance." said Sam, "You were born good. I think Dean was right to bring us here and we were all right to try to look after the others, by stealth or openly. Sarah is the best thing to happen to this family since Jack joined us or since Castiel's last resurrection, which was a result of Jack joining us." He grinned. "I am so tired, Dean!"

"Yeah, I can sorta tell." said Dean.

"What I mean is, we have something we never had before. We have someone outside the life who can understand and accept it and us. We also have a place where we can just be ourselves, no pretence, no excuses."

"You have a home here, my dear boys, whenever you need it. And I'll be your grandma, your confessor, your counsellor and your cheerleader, whenever you need me to be."

"Dean, stop thinking about cheerleaders!" said Sam.


	56. Chapter 56

As the meal went on, Dean felt better than he had for a long time. Cas was not planning to leave, Jack was laughing with Sarah as if he hadn't a care in the world and Sam, although he looked half asleep, also seemed relaxed and happy. His family was back on an even keel. There were big storms ahead, but they were going to be ready. They were going to be strong.

Cas met his gaze for a second and then looked quickly away. 

"What is it?" said Dean.

"I need to go upstairs for a moment." said Cas.

"What was that?" said Dean to Sarah, when Cas had gone.

"I'm not sure." she said, "He may be writing in that notebook of his."

"I saw a notebook." said Dean, "What does he write in it?"

"He's never told me and I have never asked." she said, "I only know that it means a lot to him and it's none of my business or yours."

"True. I'm just worried about him."

"It may be that he picked up your thoughts again." said Sam.

"That's what I'm afraid of." said Dean, "When we get back, we need a safe, effective way to close the channel."

"Are you sure you want it closed?" said Sam, "It seems like it could be useful. It's instantaneous communication that nobody can trace or hack."

"Cas wants it closed." said Dean, "And that's good enough for me." He stood. "I'd better make sure he's okay."

"Maybe we can make something you can wear to block the signal." said Sam.

"I'm not a tinfoil hat kind of guy." said Dean. 

He went upstairs to Cas's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. He opened the door and saw Cas lying on the bed, eyes closed.

"Thought leakage?" he asked.

"Yes." said Cas, "But I'm working on shutting it out."

"Don't bother." said Dean, "For now, I give you my permission to access my thoughts and feelings."

"You don't want that." said Cas.

"No, but I also don't want you frying your brain trying to stop it. Tonight, there are no secrets. You brought me here the first time because you knew this place was special, that Sarah was special. Come on, Cas. Let's go back to the others. Whatever you pick up on, it's fine."

"If I reduce my grace, I could dull my awareness." said Cas.

Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. "That's exactly the kind of dumb thing you promised not to do."

When they got downstairs and sat back in their places, Cas looked at Dean and said, "No secrets tonight?"

"None." said Dean.

"Including from these three?"

"Absolutely." said Dean.

Cas looked at each one and then said, "What I just picked up from Dean was a feeling of relief that we were not all on the brink of disaster, that we were not each about to fall into some personal abyss. I only pick up the strong emotions, the ones that are like a cry to Heaven, if Heaven cared, which it doesn't."

The revelation was less painful to Dean than that bitterness, the pain of a son who had served his father faithfully all his life and then discovered that none of it had ever mattered to that father. At least Dean's father had appreciated the totality of his sacrifices. Cas had been cut adrift without a word of thanks. "What's your point?" said Dean quietly.

"Simply that for your relief to enter my head, the stress it followed must have been vast and powerful. Until this meal, this evening, your fears for us were greater than your concern about Michael."

"No, I'm not sure that's true." said Dean.

"I am." said Cas. He looked at Dean and smiled fondly. "I'm glad I know that you feel better about it all now. Forgive me. I know it's still an intrusion, but to know that you are not in despair about us is comforting. The burdens you bear because of your love for us are more than any human being can endure."

"Clearly not. I am human." said Dean.''

"Cas, why did you leave us?" said Sam, "Why does this thing disturb you so much?"

"He thinks Dean won't trust him." said Jack.

"Which is stupid." said Dean.

"Dean, stop calling Cas stupid." said Sam.

"I didn't call Cas stupid." said Dean.

"Cas, did you think Dean called you stupid?" said Sam.

"I think we all heard him call me stupid." said Cas.

"Then you all heard wrong." said Dean.

Sarah rapped a spoon on the table three times. "Gentlemen, we may be heading for unnecessary hostility. Dean, do you think Castiel is stupid?"

"No. Castiel is the cleverest one here, and I say that knowing full well that I am the dumbest."

"I don't think anyone here is dumb." said Sarah, "On the matter of intelligence, it's getting late. All of you are tired and although I know you have all done far more dangerous things in a far worse condition, this old lady would feel much better if you were not going to attempt driving home tonight. I think you should call whoever you need to call and tell them you'll be staying the night."

"Do you have enough room?" said Cas, "Because Jack can have my bed, since I don't need to sleep."

"I've told you before," said Sarah, "It's spooky when you just wander the house at night like a ghost in a trenchcoat."

"It is spooky when he does that, isn't it?" said Dean.

"And there's no need. Sam and Dean can have the bedroom with the twin beds at the front of the house. It's only used when I take on casual labourers and the beds might be a bit short for you, but I think you'll be comfortable enough."

"You'd be amazed how much I fold up." said Sam.

"Jack, my dear," said Sarah, "You can use Carl's room."

"Are you sure?" he said.

"I'm sure. Carl would approve."

"Can we stay?" Sam asked Dean.

"How is it my decision?" said Dean.

"Because you're the one who might not want to and I am so tired that I really, really want to just sleep here, but I'm not letting you drive home without me to keep you awake."

"I'll make it worth your while with a good breakfast." said Sarah.

Dean smiled at her. "Sarah, it is frightening how well you know how to manipulate me."

"That sounds like a yes." she said.

"A good breakfast is always a yes for me." said Dean.


	57. Chapter 57

Dean excused himself from the table and went into the parlour to call his mother. She answered quickly. "Dean, is something wrong?"

"No, nothing." he said, "And I resent the implication that I only call you when something's wrong. I just wanted to let you know, we won't be home tonight. It's late, we're all tired and Sarah suggested we should stay over. I think it's best. Sammy needs some sleep and Cas needs a night away from the bunker."

"It could be good for all of you." she said.

"Is everything there okay?" said Dean, "Because, if you need me, I can go back alone and pick these three up tomorrow."

"Everything's fine and I resent the implication that without you, things fall apart. Bobby and I are coping very well."

"I'm sure you are." said Dean. He knew he could end the call there, but there was something so good about talking to her like that, the playfulness, the mutual respect and affection, the feeling of knowing that she truly loved him. "Mom," he said, "How's your day been?"

"Pretty good, thanks, Dean, apart from worrying about my boys."

"Well, we're all fine." he said. He listened to the silence of her choosing not to say how little she believed him. "Sarah has a way of getting them all to talk about what's worrying them. It's like magic, but no rabbits are harmed in the process."

"I don't understand that reference." she said.

"Now you sound like Cas." he said. Again she was quiet. He was doing what he always did, telling her the things that were easy and safe and applied to the others, holding back a little on himself, trying to pretend he had no issues to address. He was still a little afraid of being too much trouble, causing too much worry, admitting that he didn't have everything figured out. And she was his mom and she heard, not his reassurances, but his reluctance to let her into his life.

He tried to remember the way it had been when he was a little kid, how easily and openly he had shared everything with her. "Talking to Sarah is good for us." he said, "I've told her things I never tell anyone."

"Dean, that's wonderful." she said, "Keep talking. I know you think you don't matter as much as the others, but you matter to me."

"I love you, Mom." he said.

"I love you too." she said.

"I'd better get back to the others. I'll see you tomorrow." he said.

"Yes. Make sure you get some sleep."

"I will." he said. He realised he was smiling. Just the thought of her caring whether he slept made him feel so good. He had missed that when he had been motherless.

After ending the call, he waited a moment. He listened to the talk from the kitchen. He heard Sam chuckle and Jack agree with something. He wished they could stay here forever, in this house that felt like it had always been their home. He composed himself and went back to take his place at the table.

"How's everything at home?" said Sam.

"Sounds like things are running smoothly without us." said Dean.

"Mary and Bobby are amazing." said Jack.

"Yeah, they are." said Sam. He sighed. His head nodded slightly. 

Dean was reminded of Sam's earliest childhood, when the first sign he was about to fall asleep in his cereal was always that same nod.

"Hey, go to bed." he said, "You're almost out of it."

Sam seemed about to argue, then he seemed to give in. "I probably should go to bed, if that's okay?"

"Of course it is." said Sarah, "You get some rest, Sam. I think you'll sleep better tonight."

"Yeah, so do I." he said, "Goodnight, everyone."

"I'll try not to wake you when I go up." said Dean.

"It's fine." said Sam. He kissed Sarah's cheek. "Thanks for everything, Sarah and welcome to the family."

She smiled at him. "Sleep well."

When Sam had gone upstairs, Dean glanced at Sarah. "He may be exhausted, but he's in a much better state than he was. You work miracles."

"Sam is a miracle. I just try to remind him of that a little."

"Seeing him so much more relaxed is just great." said Dean.

"And you seem much more relaxed too." she said.

"You really do." said Cas, "Observation, not mind-reading."

"I know." said Dean, searching Cas's face for hints about his mood. It was always hard to tell whether Cas was joking or profoundly unhappy. He saw a trace of a smile in the corners of the angel's mouth and he smiled back, hopefully.

Sarah did not seem at all uncertain. She was smiling happily at Cas.

"When are we going to paint the car?" said Jack.

"Are you sure you want to help with that?" said Dean.

"Of course I do." said Jack.

Dean turned to Sarah. "I'm assuming you want the same colour."

"Whatever paint you have will be lovely." she said.

"No, ditch the 'I don't want to be any trouble' part. Ideal world, same colour?"

She nodded. "I do love the colour."

"And my Baby will never be anything but black." he said, "These things matter. It may take a while to get the paint, but we'll get it done as soon as we can and Cas will help us too, won't you, Cas?"

"I'd love to." said Cas, his eyes thanking Dean for not leaving him out.

"On the subject of cars," said Dean to Cas, "I don't want or expect you to take an interest in that stuff. I just need to know ... " He stopped talking, convinced that nothing he said was going to undo the harm of mentioning the subject at all.

Cas looked at him in benign confusion. "Need to know what?"

"When you're out there, in the world, with just that car of yours between you and disaster, I need to know the car is running ... that you can keep it running. It's fine, if we have Jack around, because I can teach him and he can keep you on the road, I just need to know that you're gonna be okay."

"With or without a car, I'm mostly indestructible." said Cas.

"I know." said Dean, "But as long as the word mostly is in there, I need to know you're safe."

"Seems a little unfair," said Cas, "When I know all the time that the one thing I can be sure of is that you're not safe."

"Well, I seem to be mostly indestructible too." said Dean, "Nothing has killed me permanently yet."

"Hmm." said Cas, before falling silent again.

Sarah patted Cas's hand. "Castiel, dear, I know things have been very difficult for you, but you are feeling better now, aren't you?"

"I think so." he said.

"That doesn't sound very certain." said Dean.

"It's honest." said Sarah, "Sometimes, Castiel doesn't interpret feelings well, even his own. I don't need guarantees or false reassurance. I need to know he's talking. If things go wrong and he starts to feel bad, he'll tell me, won't you, Castiel?"

"Yes, I will." said Cas.

"Tell me too." said Dean.

"If I'm not very careful, my mind will fire the thought straight at you." said Cas.

"That works too." said Dean, "But tell me in case it doesn't."

"I will." said Cas. He smiled at Sarah, "I think I'll go up now. I can be ready if Sam needs anything."

"It's not your job to look after us." said Dean,

"No," said Cas, "It's my vocation."


	58. Chapter 58

"Now that there are only the three of us, we should go into the parlour." said Sarah.

"Maybe I should wash the dishes." said Dean, "As you and Jack spent all that time preparing the meal, which was delicious."

"Leave that for the morning." said Sarah, "If the dishes are still there, I can do them then." 

"If?" said Jack. They followed her into the parlour and everyone sat down.

"Castiel likes to do chores in the early hours." she said, "He says it can be a form of meditation. I only do them if he chooses not to. It must be hard for him. Angels never get to switch off, do they?"

"Switch off what?" said Jack.

"She means sleep." said Dean, "They don't forget, either. It's why I worry about him spending too much time on our problems. He takes in all our toxic crap and he has no way to get rid of it. You only realise when he says something that he's still carrying guilt from a decade ago. Hell, anything that wasn't wiped by Naomi from thousands of years ago is still in there somewhere."

"And angels were intended to be unquestioning drones." said Sarah, "Dealing with guilt and shame and errors of judgement was never part of the programming. Naomi may have thought blanking it out was a kindness. Not that I am any great supporter of Naomi. Forcing him to act out killing you until he could do it without flinching was just evil."

"Wow." said Dean.

"Where is Naomi now?" said Jack.

"Easy, tiger." said Dean, "Let's not start more fights. We have enough battles already."

"But she ... "

"She's an angel." said Dean, "Which means she's a dick. Sorry, Sarah."

"I've heard a lot worse." said Sarah, "Heck, I've said worse."

"She's like Cas," said Dean, "She's programmed to follow orders. She can't be held responsible for that."

"He rebelled." said Jack, with a note of anger in his voice that worried Dean. He was beginning to understand that Jack wasn't just after Michael. He was compiling a list.

"Jack, it's not your battle anyway, so leave it to Cas to decide what to do about Naomi." said Dean.

"Don't you care that she did that to him?" said Jack.

"I care that he went through that. I care that he was hurt by it. Nothing else matters." said Dean.

"I'm sorry I mentioned it." said Sarah, "I assumed you both knew about it."

"Some things, Cas never mentions." said Dean, "It really doesn't matter. Naomi and I never had any illusions about our relationship. She loathes me and I loathe her and we tolerate one another because we have to."

"I don't have to." said Jack.

"Yes, you do. If Naomi isn't around, we don't know what might happen. Heaven is on a knife's edge as it is. We owe it to Cas to help him fix Heaven and we will do whatever it takes to do that, including palling up with that cold bitch." He saw the look on Jack's face and said, "I don't like it either, kid, but Cas comes first, no matter what."

"Dean is right." said Sarah, "The fate of Heaven matters a lot more than personal vengeance."

Dean smiled. "Doesn't mean we can't get some personal vengeance once Heaven is safe." he said, "Just play the long game, Jack."

"You could be a bad influence on the boy." said Sarah.

"I was a bad influence on Sam for decades and he turned out alright." said Dean, "Jack's okay. He inherited an infallible conscience from his mother. Even I can't corrupt him."

She smiled. "I was joking about the bad influence thing. I can't imagine many men more able to guide him on the right path."

"That's the part that sounds like a joke to me." said Dean, "I've only ever found the right path by trying all the wrong ones first."

Sarah sighed. "You're so hard on yourself, Dean. Nobody else judges you so harshly."

"They're all dazzled by my charm." he said.

"Well, then I must be a victim of it too, because I see only a very good man."

"I almost want to let you go on seeing that." said Dean, "But it feels wrong to lie to someone who gave me such good food. I've done evil things. I've done things nobody could ever forgive."

"Castiel says that's not true." said Jack.

"Castiel doesn't see the real me." said Dean, "He never has."

"If Sam, Castiel and Jack all see the same you, isn't it possible that it's you whose vision is clouded." said Sarah.

"A demon named Alistair said I showed promise." said Dean, "Oh, and almost all angels hate me and consider me a corrupting influence. That must mean something."

"I think it mostly means that angels are dicks." said Sarah.

"Everyone who matters says Dean is good." said Jack, "Castiel ... "

"My best friend, whose judgement is, to say the least, a little off." said Dean.

"Mary ... "

"My mother, who knew me best when I was four years old."

"Sam ... "

"My brother, who has been alternately looking up to me and trying to run away from me all his life."

"How about Rowena?" said Jack.

"Yeah, the wickedest witch of them all is prepared to give me a character reference." said Dean, "I think that tells you all you need to know."

"It tells me," said Sarah, "That a surprisingly broad constituency of experts considers you a much better person than you do. Again, I find myself asking whether all of them can be mistaken or whether, as is usually the case, someone who has been through Hell, in your case, literally, has convinced himself he was there because he deserved to be."

"Well, if Jack weren't here, I'd tell you what happened in Hell and then you'd stop believing any of them."

"Tell me something else." said Sarah, "Tell me what you want. What's your ultimate happy ending?"

"Sam growing old with his family around him. That would be worth everything. And Jack and Cas, free of Heaven's demands or making a few demands of Heaven and being happy forever. Mom and Jody and Donna and Jody's girls all being safe and having the life they deserve. Chances are it ends bloody, for all of us, but that's what I want."

"You never even mentioned yourself." she said.

"In the grand scheme of things, I don't matter." he said, "I've already had more than I deserved."


	59. Chapter 59

After a while, Jack also went upstairs to bed and Dean found himself once again alone with Sarah. He took out his phone and made sure his Whatever List included instructions to paint her car.

He showed her on the screen. "There, now it's guaranteed to happen. It's on the Whatever List." He grinned at her expression. "It's not as casual as it sounds. It's a list of things that have to be done, whatever happens. I'll send a copy of the updated list to Sam and Mom in the morning."

A crinkle appeared in her brow. "You mean even if you're not here to do them?"

"Yes, It's not morbid or anything, just a precaution. It means the important things will be done, even if I bite the dust."

She nodded. "I understand. You've had to do this all your life, haven't you? You've always had to have contingencies in place in case what you do catches up with you and you end up dead."

"Yeah, I can't leave Sam with chaos."

"Of course, Sam takes the same risks you do. Sam is as likely to die."

Dean felt his lips try to smile in a reassuring way, but he knew the rest of his face turned the look into a grimace of panic. "Don't say that, please." he said, "I will do anything to keep Sammy alive."

"I know you will." she said, "You already gave your soul for him." She moved to a closer chair. It's just us, here now and I think you haven't gone to bed because you want to talk."

"As I said, I would love to leave you thinking I'm a good person."

"Good. I think I'm going to keep thinking that anyway."

"In Hell, I was given a choice, to keep suffering the torture, or to torture others. I made the wrong choice."

"Under torture. It's a very effective way to crush a man's spirit, to make him do something that is alien to his nature, that makes him think he is cruel and base and wrong."

"I enjoyed it."

"Do you still enjoy remembering it?" said Sarah.

"No, I hate it."

"Then you didn't enjoy it then. Not really. What you enjoyed was not being helpless anymore, not feeling like a victim. You were more of a victim than ever, but you didn't feel like one. You felt you had some choice, some freedom, some power over something. You were clinging onto the shreds of self-worth even as you piled up a heap of reasons to hate yourself."

"I cut men, women, everyone. I didn't care."

"You care now." she said.

"Then is all that matters."

"Then, you were being tortured." she said. She smiled at him. "In a way, you and Castiel have the same problem."

"What problem?" he said.

"Your fathers taught you absolute personal responsibility, no excuses. If you caused something bad to happen, there was no way to shift the blame, it was your fault entirely. Both did it for the same reason, to inspire unquestioning obedience. In both cases, you eventually defied your fathers in various ways, but the basic conditioning is still there."

"What I did in Hell, I did by choice." he said, wishing he didn't need to convince her and could let one person go on believing he was good.

"Did you believe you had any other option?" she said.

"No."

"Then there was no choice."

"Something happened there, that made me realise that there was nothing that would stop me, no level I wouldn't sink to. I would have tortured my own brother." said Dean. He didn't want to say that he had thought he was about to and hadn't hesitated. He felt a shudder of revulsion at the memory. He could not look at Sarah.

She took his right hand in hers. "Oh, my love, they could not have found a nastier torture for you. No wonder it still hurts you so much."

"You don't understand," he said, "I'm a monster. Whether the torture made me one or just made me see it, I'm evil all the way through. No matter what I do, I can never come back from that. I can never be who I was ... who I thought I was." He bowed his head and let the tears fall. He was tired of trying to hold them back. He was tired of everything.

A voice in his head that was not his own said, "No!"

"Cas?" he said aloud.

He could feel Cas trying not to allow his thoughts and feelings to feed into his own.

"What about Castiel?" said Sarah.

"He's fighting against seeing this." said Dean, "Cas, it's okay. Don't fight it. I know you don't want to pry." He could still feel Cas struggling not to share his thoughts. He brushed away his tears and tried to focus enough to pray. "Cas, relax. We'll find a way to block it. Until then, I can live with it. Don't do anything that could harm you."

"Do you need me?" said Cas's voice in his head.

Before he could say no, he heard something in his mind say, "Yes!"

"No." he said, "I'm okay."

"Yes or no?" said Cas.

Dean stilled his mind with an effort and said, "No. I'm fine. Sarah's here. I'm fine." He felt Sarah stroke the back of his hand. Cas's voice fell silent. "It's fine." he said to Sarah.

"You have a two-way prayer thing going on?" said Sarah.

"So it seems." he said, "And it's involuntary and hard to control."

"A communion of minds. Quite beautiful in a way, though unsettling for you and for Castiel."

"Yes." said Dean, "I think he's okay now. The Hell stuff just got too much and I think my mind sent up a flare." 

"So you want to stop talking about it?" said Sarah.

"For Cas's sake, we probably should." he said.

"If I ask you to talk a little more, will you try?" she said.

"There's really nothing more to say." he said.

"Then let me say something. I see no monster in you, not even the memory of one. What I see is a good man who was put through torture neither I nor anyone else in this world can imagine and who never stopped caring about others, who never stopped holding himself to the highest standards."

"Cas has the same delusion." said Dean.

"All this guilt and shame, not one word of self-pity, not one single excuse. It's not me that is deluded, my dear. It's not Castiel, either.

"There is no possible excuse for what I did." said Dean.

"Have you ever thought that all this energy you waste on hating yourself might be better employed elsewhere? For one thing, you are at risk from all manner of demonic and angelic threats if you believe you deserve to be sacrificed for some greater good."

"I've never believed that." said Dean.

"How many times now have you risked or given your life?"

"I never felt I deserved to die." said Dean. Something in his chest seemed to lurch away. It felt like falling down stairs. He was afraid to speak, afraid to sound weak and scared.

"Do you need me?" said Cas's voice, just a whisper in his mind.

"I never wanted to die." he said aloud. His voice sounded an octave too high and thirty years too young.

"But you didn't care if you did." said Sarah. They both looked up at the ceiling as they heard footsteps above.

"It's Cas." said Dean.

"Either that or I have very overweight mice." said Sarah.


	60. Chapter 60

They heard Cas come down the stairs and then he appeared in the doorway. He looked at Dean, who immediately saw the worry and the guilt and felt bad about both.

"I'm sorry I disturbed you, Cas." he said.

"I'm sorry to interrupt." said Cas, "I know you and Sarah are making progress and I don't want to interfere, but it felt like you were shouting for help. I couldn't ignore it."

"Come in, Castiel." said Sarah. 

He did. He sat to Dean's left. "It's getting late. Well, actually, it's getting very early and although I'm glad to know you are talking about that stuff, I think you need some rest."

"I'm not too tired." said Dean, "Sam needs sleep a lot more."

"Sam is asleep. I checked on him a while ago." said Cas, "I think you should sleep now, Dean. You look terrible. You need a few hours' sleep."

"Thanks." said Dean, "I'm more concerned with what you need."

"What do you mean?" said Cas.

"You're going through this with me. I'm guessing abandoning it for sleep will give you some peace, but what if my dreams are bad? What if they are bad enough to drag you into my nightmares? I just need to know what's best for you, sleep and risk dreams, sleep without dreams due to your angelic powers or stay awake and work through this."

"I don't matter, Dean." said Cas.

"You matter to me." said Dean, "You could zap me and stop all dreams for the night."

"Zap you?" said Sarah.

Cas turned to her. "What you call a sleep blessing, he refers to as zapping."

"Wait," said Dean, "You zap her?"

"Sometimes. Sarah has never had an issue with it. She trusts me."

"I trust you." said Dean.

Cas raised an eyebrow, but declined to comment further.

Sarah spoke. "Could I put in a vote for letting dreams play out as they will? I don't want either of you to suffer, but dreams can be deeply healing things and I feel as if Dean is ready to start healing these wounds."

"What do you think, Cas?" said Dean.

"I think Sarah knows what she's talking about." said Cas.

"But can you handle my dreams?"

"Better than you can, I suspect." said Cas, "And this thing between us, it might actually be useful for this. I've always been able to go into dreams, but now, we have a connection that may increase the effectiveness of my intervention."

"Or could drag you in so deep that you lose your mind." said Dean.

"Also a possibility." Cas admitted.

"Not one I want to risk." said Dean.

"My risk, my choice." said Cas.

"We need you to fight Michael. Cold logic says we can't afford to lose you as an effective fighting force."

"At best, I will draw his fire for a moment. I never had a chance of fighting Michael." said Cas, "Maybe, in the end, freeing you from some of your demons will prove to be a far more useful contribution to the larger fight. Cold logic says I am a lot more expendable than any Winchester."

"Then screw cold logic." said Dean, "I am not risking you."

"You're assuming I can't cope with your dreams. I think I can. I can also bring Sarah into them."

"You know what my Hell was like. You want to let her see it?" said Dean.

"She's stronger than she looks and she has shared more people's Hells than I have."

"Dean, we need to try this." said Sarah.

Dean knew there was something happening in his head, something that might lead to healing or to insanity. His best chance of the former was to let Cas and Sarah help, but to do so, he had to ignore the urgings of his mind not to put good people at risk for a worthless one.

He heard a whisper in his head, an unintentional plea from his best friend. "Trust me. I love you."

"Okay." he said, "But if things get bad, you two get out."

"We will." said Sarah.

"Where shall we do this?" said Cas.

"Not upstairs. Sam would wake up." said Dean.

"My room." said Cas, "It's not like I need the bed."

They went upstairs together. Dean lay on the bed and Cas gently put him to sleep.


	61. Chapter 61

The dark chamber was horribly familiar. The floor was slick with undried blood and there was a vast array of knives for him to choose from, but one stood out. One had not been there during his actual time in Hell. Dean picked up the angel blade and looked at the bright metal, too clean for Hell.

He heard footsteps behind him. He didn't need to turn. He had heard those steps every day for forty years. Alistair stopped just behind him and said, "Do you like it?"

Dean didn't answer. He wanted to stab behind him and kill Alistair, but he knew he would fail, just as he failed every day to fight. Hell had stolen his will, broken his spirit. Here, he was nothing.

"It's an angel blade." said Alistair, "I know you're tired of the usual victims, so I have something special for you today. We captured an angel. He was trying to save you. He thought there was something left to save. Show him otherwise."

Two demons came through the door, holding Castiel's arms. They pushed him into the room. Dean wasn't sure whether it was really Cas or another demon trick, but he felt his hand rising to brandish the blade he held. "No." he said. He forced the hand back down.

"Are you afraid?" said Alistair.

Dean tried to back away, but Alistair pushed him forward. He slipped on the blood-drenched floor. He almost fell. Cas caught his shoulder and stopped him. Dean looked into his eyes. "Cas?" he said.

"Don't be afraid." said Cas, "We're with you."

"I won't cut you." said Dean.

"If you don't," said Alistair, "You can go back on the rack today."

Dean felt his hand raise the blade again. "No." he said, but the hand moved forward and Cas let out a gasp of pain as the blade cut a thin line down his cheek. Grace glowed within the cut. "No." said Dean again, trying to turn the blade aside, but unable to do it. Another glowing cut appeared across Cas's forehead and the blue eyes closed and then opened again.

"You're not trying!" said Alistair, "Remember all that I taught you."

"No." said Dean, his voice failing, his strength all but gone. His hand, against his will, stabbed the blade an inch into Cas's shoulder. Cas groaned. Even with one arm free, he made no attempt to resist or evade the attack.

"Fight, Cas!" he said, pulling back the blade. Cas did not even heal the wound he had left.

"No." said Cas.

"This isn't me." said Dean, "This isn't my choice. This isn't what I want to do. Whoever is writing this script, whatever sick part of me is doing this, they don't speak or act for me."

"Break the angel and I will set you free." said Alistair.

"No." said Dean.

"Why fight what you are? No is just a word. Your actions show what you really are."

Dean watched, horrified, as his hand drew the blade diagonally down Cas's torso. Cas cried out, but still didn't resist.

"If you can't break him, kill him." said Alistair.

Dean tried to turn the blade on himself, using every bit of willpower he had to do it. As the blade pointed towards him, Cas said very firmly, "Dean, no!"

"Stop this!" said Dean, "You can get us all out of here!" The blade moved up and sliced deep into Castiel's upper arm, exposing muscle. Still resisting with all his strength, Dean watched in horror as his blade, under his control but not, severed tendons. Cas's head hung down.

"Cas, Sarah, stop this!" said Dean, "Please stop this. It's over. I told you I was a monster. Don't make me keep proving it." The blade now pointed at Cas's face again. Another, long, glowing wound appeared on the same cheek. Then, without knowing why he did it, he hit Cas in the mouth with the wrong end of the angel blade three times.

"No! No! No!" shouted Dean.

Cas sank to his knees. Dean dropped the blade and then dropped to his knees too. "Cas, it's okay. I stopped it. No more torture. No more." He tried to help Cas up, but neither of them seemed to have the strength. "Don't die, Cas." he said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"

Cas looked at him. A faint smile came to the broken and battered lips. "Dean, these are not your sins. These are your wounds."

Dean fell face down on the ground, sobbing. He felt Sarah's hand, stroking his hair. He heard Cas say quietly, "You must forgive yourself."

"No." said Dean, "It's not that easy."

"I know." said Cas, "But you must."

"We love you." said Sarah, "We'll help you."

He woke. Sarah was in a chair, Cas sitting on the edge of the bed. For a while, he couldn't speak and they seemed to be in no hurry to. Eventually, he said to Cas, "Did you feel all of that?"

"Never mind that." said Cas, "How do you feel?"

"Like I just got dropped from a great height." said Dean, "Look, both of you, thanks for going through that with me."

"We should let you rest now." said Sarah.

"I'd better go to our room. Sam will worry if I'm not there when he wakes up." They all stood up.

"Do you want me to come and zap you?" said Cas.

"No. I'm wiped out. I don't think sleep is going to be a problem. Are you okay, Cas?"

"Perfectly." said Cas.

Dean hugged him. "I hope that's true."

"I'm going to bed." said Sarah, "You boys get some rest and I'll see you both at breakfast."

Dean kissed her cheek. "Thanks, Sarah. Thanks for trying to save me. Whether it works or not, I ... "

"Dean, I'm not giving up until we succeed, so forget all the whether it works or not nonsense."


	62. Chapter 62

Dean slipped quietly into the front bedroom. Sam was asleep on the far bed, looking peaceful and content. Dean closed the door, removed what clothing he needed to in order to be comfortable and then got into the bed nearest the door. He closed his eyes, but soon opened them again. Sleep was not going to be a problem, but dreams could and he knew he should have let Cas control his sleep.

He thought of trying to stay awake, but he had driving to do in the morning and none of the others would be happy with him doing that in his current state. The problem was, he didn't want to disturb Sam either, so he didn't call Castiel into the room.

He tried to think of good things, of his Baby, of beautiful women and good food, of Sarah and all her many kindnesses. He closed his eyes and ...

And there was blood on the floor and there were screams in the distance and knives gleamed in the light from greasy candles, made of God knew what.

With a roar, he woke himself and lay staring at the ceiling.

"Dean?" said Sam.

"Go back to sleep, Sammy." he said.

"What time is it?" said Sam.

"I don't know. It has AM in it."

"What's wrong?" said Sam.

"Bad dream." said Dean, "Since I managed to wake you anyway, I might as well get Cas to come and put me under."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" said Sam.

"No." said Dean. The last thing he wanted was more talk. He started to pray. "Cas, I need your help. Please come and put both of us to sleep."

"Hey!" said Sam.

"Shut up. You need to sleep, so do I."

"What happened after I went to bed?" said Sam.

"Hell stuff."

"Great. What happened to honesty?"

"That's the truth."

"But you're back to not talking about it?"

"I've talked a lot tonight. Now, I just need some silence." said Dean.

"Fair enough. I'm sorry. I don't mean to put you under any pressure. I just know what trying to handle things alone did to Dad. It almost destroyed him. I don't want the same thing to happen to you."

"I'm not alone." said Dean.

Cas opened the door and came in. "Are you both ready to sleep?"

"Sam's not happy about it." said Dean.

"No, if this is what it takes to make you feel okay, I'm fine with it." said Sam, making himself comfortable.

Cas went over to his bed and put him swiftly to sleep. "How about you, Dean?" he said.

"I was a fool to think I didn't need this from the start." he said.

"I was a little surprised." said Cas.

"Sam'll be okay, right?"

"He'll sleep until seven." said Cas.

"Thanks. Cas, the torture in the dream ... "

"We can talk about all that later, when you're properly rested." said Cas, "We can talk about anything later."

"Did I hurt you?" said Dean.

"No." said Cas, "It was a dream."

"It felt real."

"I know." said Cas. He reached out his hand. "Ready?"

"No dreams, okay?"

"None. I promise."

Dean smiled. "The promises of angels are a big heap of crap."

"Not this angel." said Cas, sounding wounded.

"Not this angel." Dean agreed, "I'd bet the whole damn universe on the word of Castiel."

"Even though I have lied to you before?" said Cas.

"Isn't that what faith is? Believing against the evidence?"

"I really don't know anymore." said Cas.

"Neither do I, but it feels like a Hell of a good start, doesn't it?"

"So does giving you a few hours of peace." said Cas, "I wish I could give you more. It seems like we have a long way to go."

"I can't get that dream out of my head." said Dean, "Was it you or my subconscious that said they were my wounds, not my sins?"

"Which will you listen to?" said Cas.

Dean grinned. "Sometimes, you are such a big brother. Thanks, either way. And thanks for this. I try not to need you, but that doesn't often work out."

"So why try?"

"Because I know I can't always be your priority." said Dean.

Cas smiled, sadly. "Nobody matters more. Sleep, my friend. Take a break from battle for what's left of the night."

Dean closed his eyes and Cas put him to sleep. No further dreams bothered him that night.

_ The End. _

_ Next: Innovations. _


End file.
